Running Schedule 2005-2006

It's time to set some goals.
I have been wary of getting up early, of paying registration money to run, and of doing short races. I want to push myself, dammit!
But then on a long bike ride yesterday with Mr. E I realized I really do want to run this Frank Lloyd Wright thing, and my mom said she would come and cheer me on, so I'm gonna do it!

Frank Lloyd Wright Run 10 K
October 23, 2005
Chicago
Registration Deadline : October 19th

Beatrice Family YMCA Turkey Trot 5 miles
November 24, 2005
Beatrice, NE
Registration Deadline: November 20th

Holiday Run 5K
December 11th
Lincoln

State Farm Run (Lincoln) 10 Miles
March 2006
Lincoln

Novartis Run 10K
April 2006
Lincoln

Lincoln Half Marathon
May 7, 2006
Lincoln

Science Chafe

Received via email, from Mr. E, in response to an email in which I referred to him as a "dork" (which he is, btw).



I chafe at being referred to as "dork." I much prefer "Man of Science."

What would it take to walk away?

There is a not small part of me that is sick to my very bones of thinking about food. Of being hungry. Of being cold. Of wanting to lose weight, and being depressed when I don’t. At this point I feel like if I want to lose these last ten pounds, I’m going to have to be hungry a lot of the time. I’m going to have to work really hard. I’m going to fall asleep thinking about chocolate covered pretzels and wake up thinking about chocolate covered pretzels. I don’t know if it’s possible to lose ten pounds without being in this mind set or not. All I know is that I am not ready to give up, and I don’t know any other way, but I don’t like what’s going on in my head right now. The idea of not trying anymore, the idea of just being happy where I am and just focusing on being healthy takes me breath away with fear. Can that be normal? Can that be right? Is it weird that I hate the struggle so much and yet at the same time I need the struggle even more than I hate it? The fact is that for me to walk away at this point would overturn my entire life and would fuck with my entire belief system. I’d have nothing else to think about. If I didn’t feel hungry, I don’t know what I’d feel anymore.

Shots out to Aunt Lee

Here is a hideous photograph of me that was taken by a professional "photographer" at work recently. I say "professional" because hi, could I look more tense and ill at ease? Isn't it part of your job to get a relaxed and friendly looking picture out of your subject, even a recalcitrant and uncomfortable one such as myself? Regardless, this morning I was just wishing that someone at work would just freaking tell me how skinny I am getting, even though I know that is superficial and bad and lame and I must love myself blah blah blah, I just wanted to hear it, ok? I wanted someone to just give in and say "damn, girl, you sure are skinny now!" Was that too much to ask? Perhaps, but just as I was wishing this clearly futile wish someone awesome told me that she could really tell I was running alot more. I translated this in my head to "Damn, girl, you sure are looking skinny." and I was happy. And then when this larger than life pic of me was projected across the whiteboard in an all staff conference, for the first time, in, uh, forever, I thought, wow, I'm skinny now. I might not be hot, I might look pissed off and uncomfortable, but I do not have to feel ashamed, in this moment, of being fat. It was really, um, amazing. I felt free.

I don't know what my problem is. I'm driving myself nuts craving baked goods. Currently I'm obsessing about chocolate cheesecake, pumpkin chocolate spice cupcakes, chocolate muffins, brownies, and blueberry muffins. The really scary thing is that it isn't even close to moon time, so I can't blame that. It must be the fall weather.

I'm not sure how to cope with this. It's driving me nuts because I can't stop thinking about food. I think about food and what I can't eat from about 3 in the afternoon until the time I go to bed at night, at 11 pm. Dinner doesn't alleviate my obsessions, because I don't want to eat chicken and salad and green beans. I want to eat chocolate pumpkin cupcakes!

What I'm going to try to do is to really think it through. To plan a realistic approach. To be brutally honest with myself and what the consequences of letting myself fuck up would be. For example, I'm not making cheesecake because it's expensive and I don't even like cheesecake that much. I'll make pumpkin spice muffins for our Halloween party, next month. I won't make brownies tonight because I wouldn't trust myself around a pan of brownies right now. I really really really want to lose this week. I need to be honest with myself and acknowledge that making brownies right now means I probably wouldn't have a loss on Friday.

What I will do is make fat free blueberry muffins for my office on Wednesday. I might make pumpkin muffins instead. And I'll eat one or two with some nice caffeine free tea and try to move on.

Depending on how my knees feel, I might try to do other forms of cardio on Monday and Friday. Right now I am running five days a week. So I only have two break days, and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing NOTHING on those days, or if I should be doing other exercise. I suppose weight lifting couldn't hurt. It's really hard to eat only 20 pts on the two days I don't get activity points, I'll tell you that.

Off to move the weightlifting DVD to the top of my Netflix queue...

100 Diet Tips - Or Miss E needs to eat more veggies

Below are 100 diet tips from here:
http://www.prevention.com/article/0,5778,s1-4-88-279-2208-1-P,00.html

They're ok. A bit repetitive. A lot of them I already do.
I added my comments below each one.
Basically I need to eat more fruits and veggies. Still.
That's really hard to do here. But I shall rededicate myself!


I Can Only Handle One Diet Change Right Now. What Should I Do?
1. Add just one fruit or veggie serving daily. Get comfortable with that, then add an extra serving until you reach 8 to 10 a day.

I definitely need to do better with this.

2. Eat at least two servings of a fruit or veggie at every meal.

We’re up to one at dinner, sometimes two. And fruit with breakfast. But I need to do better at lunch.
I think I could modify this to: include a fruit or veg with every meal, and try for two.

3. Resolve never to supersize your food portions--unless you want to supersize your clothes.
I’ve got this covered.

4. Make eating purposeful, not mindless. Whenever you put food in your mouth, peel it, unwrap it, plate it, and sit. Engage all of the senses in the pleasure of nourishing your body.
I do this most of the time.

5. Start eating a big breakfast. It helps you eat fewer total calories throughout the day.
Hmmm. I don’t do this, but my eating (breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner) works for me.

6. Make sure your plate is half veggies and/or fruit at both lunch and dinner.
I try to do this at dinner. Need to do more at lunch.


Are there Any Easy Tricks to Help Me Cut Calories?
7. Eating out? Halve it, and bag the rest. A typical restaurant entree has 1,000 to 2,000 calories, not even counting the bread, appetizer, beverage, and dessert.
I almost always eat half or less, and then give the other half to Mr. E

8. When dining out, make it automatic: Order one dessert to share.
I almost never order dessert anyway. Usually I’ll eat less dinner and then have dessert, sometimes shared. My rule is that I can only order dessert if I’m not full from dinner.

9. Use a salad plate instead of a dinner plate.
I do this for snacks, not for dinner. I need room for all my veggies!

10. See what you eat. Plate your food instead of eating out of the jar or bag.
I try to do this. When I don’t it’s a disaster.

11. Eat the low-cal items on your plate first, then graduate. Start with salads, veggies, and broth soups, and eat meats and starches last. By the time you get to them, you'll be full enough to be content with smaller portions of the high-calorie choices.
I try to do this also. It helps if you have the veggie when the rest of dinner is still cooking. That makes you more hungry for the only option you have (the veggie)

12. Instead of whole milk, switch to 1 percent. If you drink one 8-oz glass a day, you'll lose 5 lb in a year.
Done.

13. Juice has as many calories, ounce for ounce, as soda. Set a limit of one 8-oz glass of fruit juice a day.
I never drink juice. I don’t drink calories. (See #14)

14. Get calories from foods you chew, not beverages. Have fresh fruit instead of fruit juice.

15. Keep a food journal. It really works wonders.
Done – online (WW)

16. Follow the Chinese saying: "Eat until you are eight-tenths full."
I try to do this, but I often get hungry right away unless I make myself eat until full. But not gross full. Just full.

17. Use mustard instead of mayo.
I don’t really use either that much. I never order mayo out on sandwiches, but I use rf mayo at home sometimes.

18. Eat more soup. The noncreamy ones are filling but low-cal.
Done.

19. Cut back on or cut out caloric drinks such as soda, sweet tea, lemonade, etc. People have lost weight by making just this one change. If you have a 20-oz bottle of Coca-Cola every day, switch to Diet Coke. You should lose 25 lb in a year.
Done

20. Take your lunch to work.
Done – except for Wednesdays.

21. Sit when you eat.
I try to do this.

22. Dilute juice with water.
Ok, this tip is getting annoying. I DON’T DRINK JUICE.

23. Have mostly veggies for lunch.
I won’t be full – so I can have some veggies, but this won’t hold me. I have to have the protein.

24. Eat at home.
Done

25. Limit alcohol to weekends.
Done

How Can I Eat More Veggies?
26. Have a V8 or tomato juice instead of a Diet Coke at 3 pm.
Again, I don’t drink calories ever, so no.

27. Doctor your veggies to make them delicious: Dribble maple syrup over carrots, and sprinkle chopped nuts on green beans.
I sort of do this. I don’t like to add a lot of calories to my veggies.

28. Mix three different cans of beans and some diet Italian dressing. Eat this three-bean salad all week.
I buy this in a can, but also, beans and I are not really friends.

29. Don't forget that vegetable soup counts as a vegetable.
Done

30. Rediscover the sweet potato.
Done

31. Use prebagged baby spinach everywhere: as "lettuce" in sandwiches, heated in soups, wilted in hot pasta, and added to salads.
I do this sometimes, but it’s not my fave. It makes me feel oddly ill sometimes. I once ate it and got sick afterwards and ever since then it’s iffy for me and the fresh spinach.

32. Spend the extra few dollars to buy vegetables that are already washed and cut up.
Done

33. Really hate veggies? Relax. If you love fruits, eat plenty of them; they are just as healthy (especially colorful ones such as oranges, mangoes, and melons).
Done

34. Keep seven bags of your favorite frozen vegetables on hand. Mix any combination, microwave, and top with your favorite low-fat dressing. Enjoy 3 to 4 cups a day. Makes a great quick dinner.
Ick, but ok, I do buy frozen veggies.

Can You Give Me a Mantra that will Help Me Stick to My Diet?
35. "The best portion of high-calorie foods is the smallest one. The best portion of vegetables is the largest one. Period."
Done

36. "I'll ride the wave. My cravings will disappear after 10 minutes if I turn my attention elsewhere."
This doesn’t work for me, but I will wait out a crave, and then give myself one “real” version of it when I have the “room” in my diet. For example, I’ll have a brownie craving for three weeks and then get one at the Borders Café and eat half.

37. "I want to be around to see my grandchildren, so I can forgo a cookie now."
This confuses me, but ok.

38. "I am a work in progress."
Yeah, I don’t know about this one. I don’t want to always feel like I have something else to fix.

39. "It's more stressful to continue being fat than to stop overeating."
Ok, weird, in my opinion, but maybe that is because I am trying to lose my last ten pounds. Maybe for me it’s “This cookie isn’t going to help me with my goal”.

I Eat Healthy, but I'm Overweight. What Mistakes Could I Be Making without Realizing It?
40. Skipping meals. Many healthy eaters "diet by day and binge by night."
I don’t eat after eight.

41. Don't "graze" yourself fat. You can easily munch 600 calories of pretzels or cereal without realizing it.
I have a hard time with this but the regimented snacks help.

42. Eating pasta like crazy. A serving of pasta is 1 cup, but some people routinely eat 4 cups.
Done

43. Eating supersize bagels of 400 to 500 calories for snacks.
Done

44. Ignoring "Serving Size" on the Nutrition Facts panel.
Done

45. Snacking on bowls of nuts. Nuts are healthy but dense with calories. Put those bowls away, and use nuts as a garnish instead of a snack.
Done (I measure and count nuts)

46. Thinking all energy bars and fruit smoothies are low-cal.
Done

What Can I Eat for a Healthy Low-Cal Dinner if I Don't Want to Cook?
47. A smoothie made with fat-free milk, frozen fruit, and wheat germ.
Ick – no thanks. And again, I don’t drink calories.

48. The smallest fast-food burger (with mustard and ketchup, not mayo) and a no-cal beverage. Then at home, have an apple or baby carrots.
Yeah, I do this. Sometimes you just want a mcdonald’s hamburger.

49. A peanut butter sandwich on whole wheat bread with a glass of 1 percent milk and an apple.
Or I’ll have half a pb and j. Yum.

50. Precooked chicken strips and microwaved frozen broccoli topped with Parmesan cheese.
Ok, ick, but whatever.

51. A healthy frozen entree with a salad and a glass of 1 percent milk.
For lunch this works well. I will add veggies to a Lean Cuisine if I can.

52. Scramble eggs in a nonstick skillet. Pop some asparagus in the microwave, and add whole wheat toast. If your cholesterol levels are normal, you can have seven eggs a week!
I make egg white omelets with peppers and then low fat cheese and whole wheat toast. Yum.

53. A bag of frozen vegetables heated in the microwave, topped with 2 tablespoons of Parmesan cheese and 2 tablespoons of chopped nuts.
Again, ick

54. Prebagged salad topped with canned tuna, grape tomatoes, shredded reduced-fat cheese, and low-cal Italian dressing.
Hmm, sounds gross, but I could eat more tuna with veggies, or hummus with veggies, on pitas.

55. Keep lean sandwich fixings on hand: whole wheat bread, sliced turkey, reduced-fat cheese, tomatoes, mustard with horseradish.
We have super gross lunchmeat here, but we try. The rest of this we have, yes

56. Heat up a can of good soup.
Ok, done

57. Cereal, fruit, and fat-free milk makes a good meal anytime.
Done

58. Try a veggie sandwich from Subway.
Done, gotta get the roast beef, way more filling and lasting

59. Precut fruit for a salad and add yogurt.
Do, and also I add granola

What's Your Best Advice for Avoiding those Extra Holiday Pounds?
60. Don't tell yourself, "It's okay, it's the holidays." That opens the door to 6 weeks of splurging.
Will try this year. Last year, not so great.
But this year I have my new “don’t eat to make it better” life philosophy.

61. Remember, EAT before you meet. Have this small meal before you go to any parties: a hardboiled Egg, Apple, and a Thirst quencher (water, seltzer, diet soda, tea).
Done. And also, don’t break the seal.

62. As obvious as it sounds, don't stand near the food at parties. Make the effort, and you'll find you eat less.
Done.

63. At a buffet? Eating a little of everything guarantees high calories. Decide on three or four things, only one of which is high in calories. Save that for last so there's less chance of overeating.
I would just probably not eat. Or eat veggies and fruit only, and only one plate, and then drink a lot of water.

64. For the duration of the holidays, wear your snuggest clothes that don't allow much room for expansion. Wearing sweats is out until January.
Good idea! Will do. I try to do this all the time anyway. My clothes give me good indicators of my progress.

65. Give it away! After company leaves, give away leftover food to neighbors, doormen, or delivery people, or take it to work the next day.
Done

66. Walk around the mall three times before you start shopping.
Well, I mainly window shop anyway, and this seems like a waste of time, but maybe.

67. Make exercise a nonnegotiable priority.
Done.

68. Dance to music with your family in your home. One dietitian reported that when she asks her patients to do this, initially they just smile, but once they've done it, they say it is one of the easiest ways to involve the whole family in exercise.
Done – Gravey loves to dance to Shakira.

How Can I Control a Raging Sweet Tooth?
69. Once in a while, have a lean, mean salad for lunch or dinner, and save the meal's calories for a full dessert.
Done

70. Are you the kind of person who does better if you make up your mind to do without sweets and just not have them around? Or are you going to do better if you have a limited amount of sweets every day? One RD reported that most of her clients pick the latter and find they can avoid bingeing after a few days.
Done – no sweets period works best for me.

71. If your family thinks they need a very sweet treat every night, try to strike a balance between offering healthy choices but allowing them some "free will." Compromise with low-fat ice cream and fruit, or sometimes just fruit with a dollop of whipped cream.
Too bad for them. Erik eats chips, that’s cool with me.

72. Try 2 weeks without sweets. It's amazing how your cravings vanish.
I’ve got to get back on this wagon.

73. Eat more fruit. A person who gets enough fruit in his diet doesn't have a raging sweet tooth.
I need to eat more fruit, yes.

74. Eat your sweets, just eat them smart! Carve out about 150 calories per day for your favorite sweet. That amounts to about an ounce of chocolate, half a modest slice of cake, or 1/2 cup of regular ice cream.
If I have the calories, and a craving, I will eat a little something, yes.

75. Try these smart little sweets: sugar-free hot cocoa, frozen red grapes, fudgsicles, sugar-free gum, Nutri-Grain chocolate fudge twists, Tootsie Rolls, and hard candy.
Yeah, not a fan of this suggestion. I gotta have a tiny bit of the real stuff or nothing.

How Can I Conquer My Downfall: Bingeing at Night?
76. Eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The large majority of people who struggle with night eating are those who skip meals or don't eat balanced meals during the day. This is a major setup for overeating at night.
Done

77. Eat your evening meal in the kitchen or dining room, sitting down at the table.
Done

78. Drink cold unsweetened raspberry tea. It tastes great and keeps your mouth busy.
Water, but ok.

79. Change your nighttime schedule. It will take effort, but it will pay off. You need something that will occupy your mind and hands.
Done – but coming up on fall, we need to watch less tv. Maybe we can play more tennis?

80. If you're eating at night due to emotions, you need to focus on getting in touch with what's going on and taking care of yourself in a way that really works. Find a nonfood method of coping with your stress.Need to do. And I need a winter hobby. Crafting here I come.

81. Put a sign on the kitchen and refrigerator doors: "Closed after Dinner."
Ok, that’s just weird.

82. Brush your teeth right after dinner to remind you: No more food.
That’s a good one.

83. Eat without engaging in any other simultaneous activity. No reading, watching TV, or sitting at the computer.
I try to do this all the time, it’s hard sometimes. But most the time I follow this.

84. Eating late at night won't itself cause weight gain. It's how many calories--not when you eat them--that counts.
I don’t believe this, but ok. 8 is still my cut off.

How Can I Reap Added Health Benefits from My Dieting?
85. Fat-free isn't always your best bet. Research has found that none of the lycopene or alpha- or beta-carotene that fight cancer and heart disease is absorbed from salads with fat-free dressing. Only slightly more is absorbed with reduced-fat dressing; the most is absorbed with full-fat dressing. But remember, use your dressing in moderate amounts.
Done

86. Skipping breakfast will leave you tired and craving naughty foods by midmorning. To fill up healthfully and tastefully, try this sweet, fruity breakfast full of antioxidants. In a blender, process 1 c nonfat plain or vanilla yogurt, 1 1/3 c frozen strawberries (no added sugar), 1 peeled kiwi, and 1 peeled banana. Pulse until mixture is milkshake consistency. Makes one 2-cup serving; 348 calories and 1.5 fat grams.
Done – I always eat breakfast.

87. If you're famished by 4 p.m. and have no alternative but an office vending machine, reach for the nuts--. The same goes if your only choices are what's available in the hotel minibar.
Done

88. Next time you're feeling wiped out in late afternoon, forgo that cup of coffee and reach for a cup of yogurt instead. The combination of protein, carbohydrate, and fat in an 8-ounce serving of low-fat yogurt will give you a sense of fullness and well-being that coffee can't match, as well as some vital nutrients. If you haven't eaten in 3 to 4 hours, your blood glucose levels are probably dropping, so eating a small amount of nutrient-rich food will give your brain and your body a boost.
Done

89. Making just a few changes to your pantry shelves can get you a lot closer to your weight loss goals. Here's what to do: If you use corn and peanut oil, replace it with olive oil. Same goes for breads--go for whole wheat. Trade in those fatty cold cuts like salami and bologna and replace them canned tuna, sliced turkey breast, and lean roast beef. Change from drinking whole milk to fat-free milk or low-fat soy milk. This is hard for a lot of people so try transitioning down to 2 percent and then 1 percent before you go fat-free.
Done

90. Nothing's less appetizing than a crisper drawer full of mushy vegetables. Frozen vegetables store much better, plus they may have greater nutritional value than fresh. Food suppliers typically freeze veggies just a few hours after harvest, locking in the nutrients. Fresh veggies, on the other hand, often spend days in the back of a truck before they reach your supermarket.
Done

91. Worried about the trans-fat content in your peanut butter? Good news: In a test done on Skippy, JIF, Peter Pan, and a supermarket brand, the levels of trans fats per 2-tablespoon serving were far lower than 0.5 gram--low enough that under proposed laws, the brands can legally claim zero trans fats on the label. They also contained only 1 gram more sugar than natural brands--not a significant difference.
Done

Eating Less Isn't Enough--What Exercising Tips Will Help Me Shed Pounds?
92. Overeating is not the result of exercise. Vigorous exercise won't stimulate you to overeat. It's just the opposite. Exercise at any level helps curb your appetite immediately following the workout.
Done – and true.

93. When you're exercising, you shouldn't wait for thirst to strike before you take a drink. By the time you feel thirsty, you're already dehydrated. Try this: Drink at least 16 ounces of water, sports drinks, or juices two hours before you exercise. Then drink 8 ounces an hour before and another 4 to 8 ounces every 15 to 20 minutes during your workout. Finish with at least 16 ounces after you're done exercising.
Done

94. Tune in to an audio book while you walk. It'll keep you going longer and looking forward to the next walk--and the next chapter! Check your local library for a great selection. Look for a whodunit; you might walk so far you'll need to take a cab home!
Boring, but I do watch tv. I should look into audiobooks. Or I can download TAL.

95. Think yoga's too serene to burn calories? Think again. You can burn 250 to 350 calories during an hour-long class (that's as much as you'd burn from an hour of walking)! Plus, you'll improve muscle strength, flexibility, and endurance.
Eh. Maybe sometimes. But not enough cardio for me, personally.

96. Drinking too few can hamper your weight loss efforts. That's because dehydration can slow your metabolism by 3 percent, or about 45 fewer calories burned a day, which in a year could mean weighing 5 pounds more. The key to water isn't how much you drink, it's how frequently you drink it. Small amounts sipped often work better than 8 ounces gulped down at once.
Done

How Can I Manage My Emotional Eating and Get the Support I Need?
97. A registered dietitian (RD) can help you find healthy ways to manage your weight with food. To find one in your area who consults with private clients call (800) 366-1655.
Eh

98. The best place to drop pounds may be your own house of worship. Researchers set up healthy eating and exercise programs in 16 Baltimore churches. More than 500 women participated and after a year the most successful lost an average of 20 lb. Weight loss programs based on faith are so successful because there's a built-in community component that people can feel comfortable with.
Eh, no thanks

99. Here's another reason to keep level-headed all the time: Pennsylvania State University research has found that women less able to cope with stress--shown by blood pressure and heart rate elevations--ate twice as many fatty snacks as stress-resistant women did, even after the stress stopped (in this case, 25 minutes of periodic jackhammer-level noise and an unsolvable maze).
Done

100. Sitting at a computer may help you slim down. When researchers at Brown University School of Medicine put 92 people on online weight loss programs for a year, those who received weekly e-mail counseling shed 5 1/2 more pounds than those who got none. Counselors provided weekly feedback on diet and exercise logs, answered questions, and cheered them on. Most major online diet programs offer many of these features.
Done

Is it neurotic...

to add something you've already done to your "To Do" list, just so you can cross it off?
Just checking.

VooDoo

“When you wake up in the morning, Pooh,” said Piglet at last, “what’s the first thing you say to yourself?”
“What’s for breakfast?” said Pooh.
“What do you say, Piglet?”
“I say, I wonder what’s going to happen exciting today?” said Piglet.
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
“It’s the same thing,” he said.

AA Milne, Winnie the Pooh

I always thought I ate because I loved food, and because when I got bored, food was my entertainment. Duh! Doesn’t everyone love food? I knew I didn’t need to do a lot of psychological work in this area. After all, I already had this problem solved. I was a bored eater. I just needed a hobby or something to keep my hands busy so they didn’t have time to shove Doritos in my mouth. I definitely did NOT need to do a lot of work thinking about what was wrong in my head that made me eat because I had it all figured out already.

Looking back I’d tell anyone who tells me they eat because they like food or food is love or they eat when they get bored that they’re just bullshitting themselves with easy answers, because there’s a simple easy fast answer, and underneath that bullshit fake answer is the REAL answer.

My real answer came to me after I’d already done a lot of the work on the outside of me. I was well into running and not watching so much tv and not spending all my weekends on the couch. I knew how many pts were in 22 peanuts and what kind of oatmeal had the most fiber and would make me the most full. I’d given away my size 12 jeans and was wondering if my winter pants were going to fit. And I still thought of myself as a bored eater who needed distraction from eating if I had any chance of losing the last 20 pounds to make it to my goal.

But that was a lie I was telling myself so I didn’t have to change anything else. I didn’t want to get too close to the pretend world I was living in inside my head. That seemed like SO much work, to figure out what was really wrong, why I was really fat.

But one night I was watching a travel show on PBS, and they were visiting New Orleans. Somewhere I have never been but always wanted to go. The host went to the bayou and interviewed an old Creole woman about voodoo. She explained that voodoo was actually misinterpreted all the time, and it wasn’t in fact about sticking pins in a doll to try to cause someone else pain. It was, in fact, simply a way of identifying your own issues, the things that other people did that bothered YOU, because, after all, and here she paused, “YOU CAN ONLY EVER CHANGE YOUR SELF.” That moment, that sentence, that idea, pretty much changed everything in my world for me. In a split second, I realized what a complete waste of time my control freak existence had become. Why why why was I spending so much time worrying about everyone else all the time? Why not just worry about me? After all, you can only ever change yourself.

I am the ultimate control freak. I worry all the time about what people might do or say or what someone might try to make me do. It’s really who I am. I never ever thought before that this might be a fruitless endeavor. That I might be wasting my time trying to make other people do what I want. And honestly, when I began trying to change myself, that is when the real change in my life began, but it didn’t happen overnight. And this was not the end of the lesson.

When times got tough for me, I reverted back to trying to make other people do what I wanted them to do. I began to worry again about how someone else would screw everything up for me. I freaked out whenever I thought someone might try to make me do something I didn’t want to do. Sometimes I remembered my new mantra (You can only ever change yourself), sometimes I didn’t. But mostly, I did. And the more I focused on changing myself, the more I felt like I was the one in control. See what I did there? I shifted the control. I couldn’t control other people. Instead, I’d control me. As long as someone was in control, and that someone was me, I felt ok.

One night after dinner, I was talking to Mr. E about a trip that I was about to take that I knew was going to be really stressful for me. It was going to be a lot of family time. This particular group of people is a group that I don’t get a long with all the time. We’re all really bossy and we like to get our own way. And travel is really stressful for me anyway. I thought this would be a great time to try out my new way of thinking in a practical setting. I kept saying over and over to Mr. E “How can I make sure I have a good time? What can I do to make sure it’s a fun non stressful trip for me? How can I ensure that it’s a good trip for me?”

And then, something snapped.

And I realized. I didn’t have to have a good trip. It wasn’t about me. I was going on this trip because my mom and my sister wanted me there. And I might not have a good time. And that was ok. I would have a good time, some other time, during me time. Mr. E and I would have fun some other time. This particular family trip wasn’t about my good time. It was about doing something nice for someone else, so that they could have a good time. I might have to do some stuff I didn’t want to do. I might not have a good time. And that was OK.

Wow.

Something was lifted off me in that moment. I finally figured it out. I didn’t need to control my mom to make sure I had fun. I didn’t need to control my sister to make sure I had fun. I didn’t need to control me to make sure I had fun, and I didn’t need to control the food I ate that weekend to make sure I had fun. I could just not have fun.

So that’s my reason, right there. I used food as a safety net, to pull a good time out of times that weren’t so good. I craved a fancy breakfast when I was traveling because I thought I was owed a fantastic experience every time I traveled, because I didn’t have fun when I traveled and life owed me fun, dammit! I needed brownies to redeem disappointing family vacations, and I ate chocolate donuts in the car over Christmas break at my mom’s because I wanted something to make it better and I couldn’t do it myself so maybe the donuts could.

The real secret here? That weekend I was so nervous about? I ate oatmeal for breakfast and salad for dinner, and I did a bunch of stuff I didn’t want to do, and I didn’t tell anyone what to do or try to make anyone do what I wanted them to do. And I had a really really really good time.

Stoner Cat

Lately my cat Gravey has been hitting the catnip hard. Here is after one of his marathon sessions...

I read a lot of diet blogs. These people are all going through the same things I am, and it helps to know that we're all in the same boat, and to touch base with everyone's struggles and triumphs. I love looking at progress pictures and seeing someone shrink before my very eyes as the months go by and the pounds fade away. Following someone else's journey makes me feel less alone.

Lately in the diet blogging world I've noticed that you're not supposed to say that you wanted to lose weight so you could fit into cute new clothes. It's not as cool to be excited about wearing a pair of size four pants as it is to be able to run farther and faster or to lift more. We're all just supposed to be in for the sake of being healthy and loving ourselves and wanting a great glowing sense of fitness or something.

And while I understand and admire that sentiment, I really do, I have to admit, that even though I love the fact that I can run five miles without stopping, I would be lying if I said I didn't also care about the size 4 pants I've got hanging in my closet that actually fit me. A lot.

For me, it's like this. The other day, I tried on an outfit I wore to a fancy Christmas party years ago. When I was at my largest, I KNEW I would never wear that outfit again. It might as well have been hanging on a distant shelf marked "Not For You, Fatty" instead of in the back of my closet. The only reason I kept it because it was really expensive, and I just couldn't justify getting rid of it. And also because I think I wanted to hold on the feeling of being the girl who put on that outfit and wore the hell out of it and just felt FABULOUS. Even if I didn't have that feeling anymore, ever, maybe that Christmas dress reminded me that once, I had known what it felt like to look GOOD, and to feel great. It reminded of what it was like to really love how I looked.

And now, that same outfit is too big. And I'm not sure what to think about that fact. It makes me proud of how far I have come, but it makes me sad that I was so firmly convinced I couldn't do something, when obviously I could. I did. And it makes me feel a little disoriented, to be honest. I feel like I missed out.
The damn dress still doesn't fit, but now it's too big, and I still can't let it go.

If only I could somehow get that girl back, the one who felt beautiful, no matter what size, maybe I could let the dress go.

Redemption

When Russell Baker took over from Alistair Cooke as the host of Masterpiece Theater, my mother wrote him a letter informing him of the enormous responsibility he had now been given. She needed to let him that in her opinion, Masterpiece Theater, and her weekly Sunday night viewing of it, was no ordinary hour of television. Rather, it was a sacrosanct hour, sacred. It was, for my mother, no less than a shot at redemption. Redemption for chores not completed, homework not started until too late, errands not run, recycling overlooked, trash never taken to the curb. By Sunday night, we were sure to have failed at something, and she felt was Russell's job,nay, his duty, to make that ok. (He never wrote her back, and I don't think she ever forgave him for that).

I think fondly of those Sunday nights at my house, my mom with one eye on the tv while she polished everyone's school shoes and idly drank a glass of wine, Alistair or Russell crisply chiming in in the background, knowing I was too tired to finish my homework but not wanting to go to bed. Now, in my own house, with my own tiny family, and no shoes to polish, I have my own form of redemption, a reward for running early and far, and it's an hour of Gray's Anatomy, accompanied by a footrub, a bowl of sugar free jello, and a cup of decaf tea. If things get really crazy, I might just paint all ten of my toes in the shocking hues of OPI's Far East Fuschia. But while I do it, I'll think of my mom, and be redeemed.

5 Miles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This morning I got up at 7:30, sucked down a Power bar, and went on my five mile run. I really really really did not want to do it, and in fact I was a little nervous that I COULDN'T do it. But I did it anyway, and even though parts of it really sucked, I am so so so proud of myself. I can't help thinking about that first day I started running two years ago and how hard it was and how I was convinced that I just couldn't do it. I wasn't the sort of person who COULD run and so I'd have to just do Pilates or something.
Well, it took two years, and endless quantities of bitching, and moaning, and planning, and working, and begging runinng shoes off richer members of my family, and figuring out what to eat and when to run and where to go and two Pilates tapes later, here I am. I am a RUNNER. WOO HOO!

In other news, when I was done with my run, I came home and baked this for Mr. E:

The Latest Addition to the Family

And my official aproximately 128 pounds picture.
13 to go!

I absolutely adore my new table. But holy crap, it's HUGE! When we bought it they asked us if we had a large family. I just laughed.

The Good, the Bad, and the Just Plain Annoying

I was all set to write this big post about how I’ve become such a better person lately through my karmic realizations about life and how I’ve let go of trying to control everyone else and blah blah blah wonderfulcakes but then this morning just GOT TO ME.

The good, followed by the bad:

G: I lost another two pounds, yeah!
B: My “new” pants are already too big, and have the worst ass gap in the back ever. I could fit a small ham in there. My thighs are totally out of proportion with my waist, so this always happens, but for some reason it annoys the shit out of me.

G: I did my three mile run last night, and it was totally doable, even though I had psyched myself out about it ahead of time way more than was necessary.

B: Because it was super late when I started, I ignored every cell phone call I got, and all the people I felt like I needed to talk to. It sucks even more because my step dad is in the hospital right now, and even though I talked to my mom about it, I should also have talked to him and my brother and my cousin and let everyone know how he was doing, but I just wasn’t up to it. I feel like I’ve been a very bad friend lately, not returning phone calls, not making an effort. I know I have to concentrate on ME for a change, because if I don’t make my running a priority, it doesn’t happen. But being selfish makes me feel really really guilty sometimes.

G: It’s FRIDAY!
B: We have NO money, and there aren’t any good movies out right now. Should be a fun weekend!

G: I am actually looking forward to my four mile run on Sunday. I definitely plan to eat some bacon afterwards.
B: It’s still hot as hell and humid here, which means I will have to get up at the ass crack on Sunday to do my four mile run, if I want to run outside, which I pretty much have to, because hi, even though Netflix says the DVD of Laguna Beach is close captioned, well, they LIED to me, people. LIED.

G: Everyone at work loved my cupcakes.
B: This caused me to let my anti social guard down and put me in a happy friendly mood, wherein I got suckered into agreeing to go to a work party. I know I am going to regret this decision.

G: My outfit is very French! At least in my mind.
B: My cute shoes are giving me terrible blisters and I have a mosquito bite on my FOREHEAD, and my skin is totally broken out. Crazy me, I always just assumed that eventually I’d stop having crappy skin, like, someday, and uh, hi, could that start NOW please? Jesus. I’m going to be the only 40 year old on earth with acne. Enough for Christ’s sake!

The just plain annoying:
What is with everyone on Ebay lately? I have had two auctions canceled in the past three days because the bidders fucked up somehow. How is that my problem? It’s a total pain in the ass for me. It just doesn’t seem like it should be that complicated. Don’t bid on something you don’t want! If you do bid on something, freaking pay for it! God.

I suspect that it is CRAZY of me to be annoyed by this, but the very loud breathing person who sits across from me at work is eating food out of her backpack, which is sitting on the floor, one tiny piece at a time, all sneaky like. Just plop your M and M’s down on your desk and eat them, for christ’s sake! Don’t fish them out of your bag one at a time, look around the room, and then stick it furtively in your mouth. No one cares WHAT you eating, for god’s sake. Unless it’s, like, 400 oxycontins or something, why are you TRYING TO HIDE YOUR FOOD? It’s driving me NUTS.

Ditching Skinny

3 entries found for skinny.
skin·ny ( P ) Pronunciation Key (skn)
adj. skin·ni·er, skin·ni·est
Very thin. See Synonyms at lean2.
Of, relating to, or resembling skin.

n. Slang
Inside information; the real facts: learned the skinny on their falling-out.

skinni·ness n.

skinny

adj : having unattractive thinness; "a child with skinny freckled legs"; "a long scrawny neck" [syn: scraggy, scrawny, underweight, weedy] n : confidential information about a topic or person; "he wanted the inside skinny on the new partner"


When I first started trying to lose weight, I told myself over and over that I didn't want to be skinny. I loved my curves, dammit! I still wanted to look like a woman when I was done losing weight, and not like a little girl. And I wanted to avoid getting back on the anorexia train to skeletonville. But the more and more weight I lost, and the closer I got to my goal, the more and more unsatisfied I became. I started to hate the curves I had been so proud of before. I started to CRAVE skinny. Maybe part of me had been afraid to begin with such a lofty goal, so when I actually did start to lose weight, when it turned out I wasn't a complete failure and I COULD do it, maybe that was when I started to let myself dream the skinny dream.

Skinny is such a loaded word. It conjures up images of perfection. To me it sounds clean, and neat, and crisp. Ironically, I can practically taste skinny in my mouth. It tastes like apples, or clean snow, or sugar free strawberry popsicles. Clean, pure, but with a tart edge. Snappy and precise. All the things that being fat means you are not.

If you let skinny get ahold of you, you can lose sight of all the other reasons you wanted to lose weight to begin with. I'm toying with the idea of banishing skinny from my vocabulary forever. If you read the definition of it from the dictionary, it doesn't sound like such a great thing to be. And the truth is, unless I stop eating all together and really go off the rails to a place I never want to be again, I'm just never going to be Nicole Richie skinny. And I shouldn't want to be. The reality is that skinny is a pipe dream for me, and dieting makes me feel like maybe that dream could be achieved. It is really really hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I'll never ever be tall and thin and blond, with those ridiculously long coltish preadolescent legs and short shorts and a swinging ponytail and perfect skin and blue eyes and a tan. That's not the body I got. I'm 5'2". That's just not my reality. But that's partially why it seems all the more wonderful to me. And it's hard to let that skinny fantasy die. It's hard to let go of the idea that if I work hard enough I could at least get CLOSE to that ideal. I know I need to learn to love myself. But sometimes I get so tired of having to love the body I got.

I think it's ok to want to be normal. But I've come far enough to know that wanting to be so skinny that my bones stick out and people comment on it isn't right, isn't normal. Some days, that doesn't stop me from wanting it. Maybe if I banish skinny from my vocabulary, I can stop thinking of it as something so desirable. I'm just sort of confused as to what to replace it with. Saying "I just want to be small" feels wrong as well. As if I'm giving into pressure to be cuter, and younger, and to take up less space in the universe. And saying "I just want to be healthy" sounds like a failure to me.

I suppose this is like anything else. You learn to love yourself, for who you are, one day at a time. So I practise. I will say it right here. I am NOT skinny. And that is ok. Even more, that might be GOOD.

Best Invention Ever

The mango pitter!
Awesome. I love mangoes but I hate trying to get that gross pit out.

In His Honor

In the first hours after he learned that his son was dead, Paul wrote a short statement.

"I hope people forgive me for what I have to say," he began. "I just don't care anymore."

He listed who he blamed for Augie's death.

"I hold the Bush administration responsible, from the president through the secretaries of state and defense and all those who have had a hand in starting this war.

"I also hold every Democrat in Congress who voted to authorize this misadventure as accomplices."

His son, he wrote, "died doing his duty. So have some 1,800 other Americans.

"Augie did his duty at every turn, from being an emergency medical technician while still in high school, a lifeguard, a Boy Scout, an active church member, and, of course, as a Marine. For all this, we consider him a hero.

"To honor him, I no longer can sit still, just keeping quiet and being politically correct."

The City That Never Sleeps and Also Has $5 Pashminas For Sale on the Street

We got back from New York yesterday night. Even though it was a bitch to get home (from Newark to Lincoln took 13 hours!!!!) it was totally freaking worth it. I always forget just how cool New York is. There are so many people everywhere you go that it gives you this weird kind of freedom to just be yourself. You just don't matter that much. And no one cares that much about you no matter what you're wearing or how fat you feel.

Some highlights:





We went to Coney Island and saw the Hot Dog Eating Contest Winners Billboard.
I adore hot dogs as they are the world's most perfect and delicious food. Let me tell you there was something super cool about the larger than life hot dog eating contest billboard. Someday I hope to see the actual contest itself.




I only ate one, but it was so damn good I could almost imagine eating 50.





We rode the Cyclone and the Wonder Wheel. The Wonder Wheel scared the crap out me, but I managed to take this semi cool picture when I didn't have my eyes closed and my fingernails digging into Mr. E's leg.


We bought fake purses in Chinatown. My sister in law had the whole operation scoped so I knew what to expect when they led me around the block to some weird Chinese medical center and down in the basement they had a secret room. Even though my new fake Coach smells weird and is only kind of cute, I would have bought it anyway for the experience. I kept thinking the cops were going to burst in.

We canoed the Gowanus Canal, and the guide told me and Mr. E that we should enter paddling competitions because of what awesome paddlers we were. I did feel stronger and so much more in shape than I have in like, ever, but I also think our guide may have been insane. No one has ever complemented me on an athletic activity, like, ever.

We took a trip uptown and visited Zabar's, one of my favorite places in the world.
Notable purchases: Three different kinds of knishes, a chocolate petit four, some of the most delicious cheese ever called "English Huntsman", and a huge pile of prosciuotto that Mr. E snarfed in about ten minutes. We didn't know remember where Zabar's was, but Mr. E called my mom and she gave him spot on directions. I thought that was pretty cool, especially because in the course of giving directions she managed to get in a derogatory comment about native New Yorkers (our hosts) who didn't know where Zabar's was. Hee.

We also ate some kick ass sushi, some terrible thai food, some ok dim sum, some awesome Korean barbeque, and some delicious cheesecake.

I also got the worst hangover ever. On the plus side, all that barfing is probably the only thing that kept me from gaining forty pounds over the last five days.

Suck it string cheese

I am completely sick of all the crap I have been eating lately. I told Mr. E that if I saw another piece of beef jerky or a Nutrigrain bar or a piece of cheese I might barf. Yesterday at the airport it seemed like every person on earth got to eat fries and mcdonald's and sugary coke and sandwiches and brownies and every other delicious but horrible treat out there. So now I'm trying to shake up my food routine, save money (because we are poor from buying fake purses in New York) and cook stuff that is healthy and that Mr. E likes. And that is filling. And that uses lots of fresh veggies and tastes exciting and if you fail to plan blah blah blah.
Here is my menu for the week. These are just dinners because I am too lazy to type the rest of it out. Mr. E, don't say I never did anything for you.

Enchilada chicken, cheddar stuffed anaheim peppers, tortillas
Steak, sweet potato fries, green beans
Chicken fingers breaded in wheat germ, marinara sauce, whole wheat pasta, veggie 2
Chicken gumbo and rice
Brocolli and garlic stuffed shells, salad
Asian Night: grilled veggie potstickers, sesame ginger chicken salad
Pork tenderloin, twice baked potatoes, spinach
turkey burgers or chili, salad, mango salsa

Yum. Now I'm getting hungry.

It's right around the corner...

It is two months and three days until my birthday.
That means

1. I have two months and three days to lose 11-15 pounds, which means I better start hauling some serious ass, and
2. It’s time to start making a birthday list! All year long I think of stuff I really want and then I can never remember it when it’s birthday time. So this year I’m starting early.


Elizabeth’s Favorite Things or A List of What I Really Want for My Birthday:

1. a pair of Frye campus boots
2. a really good sports bra
3. a running watch
4. new running shoes
5. amazon.com gift certificates or books
6. a messenger bag

I think that’s it. I think I’ll ask Mr. E for the running watch and my mom for the boots. No one else really buys me birthday presents :(

Favorite Books List

I've been reading a lot of stuff lately in the blog world about favorite books, etc, and I realized that I needed one spot where I could write down all my faves and my recommendations because I have the world's worst memory and I can never remember all of them. Even still this won't be a very complete list but here's what I've come up with so far:
(Disclaimer: a lot of these are "kids books", since those are and always will be some of favorite books of all time)

Jane Eyre
The Saturdays, Elizabeth Enright
The Shoes Books
Careless Love, The Unmaking of Elvis Presley
Children of the River
First they Killed My Father
Angus, Thongs, and Full Front Snogging
Nickel and Dimed
A Tale of Time City
Dangerous Angels, Francesca Lia Block
Speak
Hard Love
Skipped Parts, Social Blunders, Sorrow Floats, all by Tim Sandlin
Catcher in the Rye
The Great Gatsby
Sloppy Firsts
Second Helpings
Anne of Green Gables, etc.
Little House Books
Betsy Tacy and Tib Books
Cheaper by the Dozen
There Are No Children Here
The Only Alien on the Planet
any book by Sarah Dessen
Walk Two Moons
Charlotte's Web
Stuart Little
The Trumpet of the Swan
Caddie Woodlawn
The Sun Also Rises
Little Women
Gone With the Wind
Brideshead Revisited
Goodbye Columbus
A Tree Grows In Brooklyn
The Bell Jar
All of A Kind Family

Fashionista Freak Out

Life requires special outfits, in my opinion. It just does. Sure, you could play tennis in old Michigan basketball shorts and a tank top you bought in the little girls section at Old Navy three years ago, but it's just not gonna be the same as striding onto the court wearing a sassy navy and white tennis dress that shows off your perfect tan AND that can hold balls in the built in underwear. You gotta get the tennis dress, or the new strapless dress for your best friends wedding, or that hot brown bikini you've been wanting for three months that goes on sale right before you go to mexico. You just can't wear your old speedo on vacation!

And most of the time I pretend I'm not American Eagle's bitch and I just wear what I like. Although I find myself with weird clothing cravings that must be implanted into my brain at night by aliens, or Teen People or Jessica Simpson's dad or something. This spring I just had to have a gauzy green skirt. Three days later everyone else had one too. Weird. My most sincere hope is that somehow most of the time I have a style that is uniquely me and which doesn't just yell out "messy"! I once knew this girl that I hated for a long time and then she told me that I always had cute clothes and in my mind right at that moment I forgave for every wrong, ever, right there on the spot. The point is that overally I'm usually pretty happy with what I've cobbled together from the sale rack at the Gap and Ebay or whatever.

But then we went camping with Mr. E's sisters a few weeks ago and I realized I just don't own anywhere NEAR enough tank tops and my jeans are totally uncool and why don't I have Jessica Simpson headscarves and huge sunglasses and a tan the color of toasted almonds? I felt an overwhelming desire to buy yoga sweatpants and fleece jackets. My fashions were inadequate.

Next week we're going to New York City, the fashion Big Time, and I am only too aware that my closet is not up to the task. It's made worse by the fact that Mr. E's super cool freakishly trendy and up to the minute girl friends will be there. I am sure that one of them will be wearing a t shirt with a robot barfing on a dog or something with some jeans made of barbed wire or god knows what. Although she is the girl who tried to get me to read David Sedaris ten years after everyone else had discovered him, and I also take some satisfaction in knowing that at our wedding Mr. E made her wear what all the other bridesmaids were wearing even though she didn't want too because she was just TOO skinny to wear that and the best part is that by the way he also called her a sweater monkey. Awesome.

The point is that I have compiled a list.

What Every Reasonable Person Can Expect to Bring on A Trip to New York City in order to not look like a lamer Tourist from Nebraska or Other Midwestern States:

-one pair of cool black pants (don't have, am afraid may be hopeless, will hope for Target miracle)
-hot new jeans (don't have and won't be buying till reach goal weight as reward/threat to prevent getting fat again, will have to make do with sub par stretch American Eagle jeans).
-slutty yet classy black shirt (don't have, will obtain, thank you Anthropologie sale)
-one black cami with bra in it (don't have, will atttempt to obtain, curses to all stores who only carried this one item when I was fat and couldn't wear it and now are all "huh? What is this cami with bra you speak of?")
-one black tight ribbed tank top (don't have, will obtain)

it's not looking good on the jeans or pants front but will hope for Miracle of the Black Pants. Is too late to hope for Miracle of $25 Ebay Citizens of Humanity Jeans.

Bye bye Fat Girl

I am 11 pounds from my goal weight.
It has taken me forever to get here. And it has been incredibly hard work. It has been confusing and stressful and depressing and demeaning. I screamed and cried and raged, all about how it was too hard and no one could expect me to do this and it wasn't working.
But I sucked it up, and I worked harder. Harder than I ever thought I could. Harder than I thought I should have had to. I worked when I thought it wasn't fair, and I couldn't do it.

And it was all worth it.

Because somewhere back there in my past is a girl who couldn't run for a even minute, who felt embarrassed by the size of her ass and the number on a tag at Old Navy, a girl who felt overly full and sick after every meal she ate, who would try to change the subject every time someone talked about size or diets, who thought eating a whole box of reduced fat triscuits was healthy, who ate dinner every night in front of the tv and who didn't have time for exercise, a girl who though that the people at J Crew were just bitches who didn't make clothes in her size. And you know what?

I don't miss that girl.

I hope she never comes back.

Right now I'm running away from her as fast as I can.

Sometime soon I'm gonna have to stop running and get to know the new me, Not Fat Girl. We're gonna be together for a long time. I think I'm gonna like her better. I'm working on loving her, but we're not there yet.

Big Love

Two years ago today Mr. E and I were getting married. Right now! How crazy that was.
It seems like it's been forever and at the same time it seems like barely any time has gone by. I still remember how happy I was on that day and yet I'm even happier today. I might not like living in Nebraska but I can honestly say that to be with my soulmate it's all worth it.

I've always agreed that it's pointless to talk about love. If you are really in love it's so profound you can't describe it worth a damn anyway. But to Mr. E I would like to say:
I love you more than I ever thought possible. More than the French Maid loves Batman, more than Samantha loves Jake Ryan, more than Jaws loves to eat people, more than Ben loves Matt, more than Romy loves Michelle. Maybe even more than...gasp...Tom Cruise loves Katie Holmes.
Now that's some big love.

Happy Anniversary Petsy.

Vacay

We just got back from Fourth of July weekend and I felt really pissed off to be at work. I just wasn't in the mood. Of course I think I am about to have my moon time so that could be the reason everyone was irritating the shit out of me, but whatever, this weekend was NOT relaxing. During the last 20 minutes of the day one of my co workers had a loud and annoying phone conversation in which she stated "Karl Rove is a genius" at least four times. Yeah, a genius or SATAN, I can't decide either.

The point is that Mr. E both decided "oh fuck it" and in a rare mood of spontaneity not often seen in our household other than in the sale shoe area in Target, we are going on a vacation this week! Woo hoo! We cashed in our chips (metaphorically, in actuallity they were our vouchers on NW that we got for giving up our seats) and we will be joining Mr. E and his family on a camping trip in the wild blue wonder. Woo hoo! I could not be more excited. I hope that doesn't mean I will be disappointed.

In other news, that means I only have two days to pack and also to lose five pounds. Maybe if I could actually do number two every once in a while that would help. Note to intestines "POO!". Thank you.

Boringly enough, I will now make a list of things I should remember on my camping trip, otherwise known as Operation Delicate Balance, Or How Not to Get Fat OR Crabby on Family Camping trips:

-Running stuff including IPOD, headphones, shoes, washcloths, socks, shorts, sports bra, and tank top.
-Instant oatmeal
-Coffee and travel french press?
-some kind of oatmeal or pria bars
-gum
-peanut m and m's
-fruit
-beef jerkey?
-cheerios or some other snack like that
-cheese sticks

I should be fine. I just need to remember that I live and die by my morning and afternoon snack.

If they're so famous how come I can never find them?

We're going to a barbeque for the 4th and I promised to make my delicious Fourth of July cake. This is really nothing more than icebox whipped cream cake with blueberries and raspberries on it, but it's truly awesome and delicious, unless of course someone accidentally spills soy sauce on it, even though you know it wasn't really an accident because secretly your mom just couldn't handle the thought of all the whipped cream and chocolate being unleashed on an innocent and unsuspecting world, but the good news is soy sauce can totally be wiped off whipped cream, ya'all.

The real trick is finding the goddamed chocolate cookies, and they are totally the kind of food that you are always seeing in the grocery store and making mental notes to remember that they are totally in the ice cream aisle and then when you promise someone you will make the cake and go to the ice cream aisle they are totally not there. Then you spend the next three days wandering up and down random grocery store aisles muttering "famous yellow box" under your breath and swearing. Weeks later they will magically reappear and remain in plain sight until you need them again.

But the Fourth of July just isn't the Fourth of July without red white and blue cake, and I've been down the jello flag cake road before and it's not one I intend on ever going down again. If I have to spend all weekend finding those damn cookies, well, then that's just what it takes.
Meanwhile, where the fuck are they? I know I've seen those bastards all over town...

Lucky for her she's so darn cute.

It is possible to be the embodiment of all evile and still be the cutest puppy ever.

Exhibit A, if you will:

Confidential to Mr. E

I thought you would be intested in knowing that Starbucks boy just hard core flirted with me.
Despite the ready and cheap access to Frappucinos that his boyish charms promised, my heart remains loyal only to you.

To Sheila

I just watched Rob and Amber's wedding on CBS. The reception was ok, but the ceremony was laaame and the first dance was trumpets and synthesizers for god's sake. Mr. E commented that if either of us was the type of person who would have a trumpet or a synthesizer played at our wedding, we wouldn't be married to each other. So true, so true. Our first dance was one of my favorite moments of our wedding. I'd hyped it up as this big huge moment in my mind. I was looking forward to this as the most romantic event of my life. Other little girls dream about their wedding, I dreamt only of our first dance. I agonized over what song we'd use for MONTHS. Even after we finally picked this Smashing Pumpkins song that we thought was called "You Make Me Real" I still stressed. Honestly, it would have been a boring letdown, except for the fact that apparently the song we chose is not, in fact, entitled 'You Make Me Real". As Mr. E told me, right in the middle of our first dance, it's actually called 'To Sheila." Awesome.

Oatey Update

How come it took me 28 years to figure out I don't need to buy packets of gross, bad for me instant oatmeal,but instead can bring a baggie of regular oatmeal to work and microwave it in a bowl with water for 3 minutes? It's cheaper, better for you, and better tasting. And I can add stuff of own.

In other news, will I ever get my period? It remains to be seen.

What's up with you?

I hate grant writing season.

I did just buy a very cute striped! shirt on sale at J Crew.

I have decided the entire problem with getting dressed in the morning and my wardrobe is that none of it matches. If I had any sense, I would never buy anything that wasn't white, blue, black, or gray, and then it would all match. I really just need someone to come look at my closet and tell me, ok, you can wear this with that. T shirt and khakis, I could handle that. Now that I am expected to dress like a grown up at work, I am floundering. But the stripes, I cannot resist.

On a positive note, I just felt an arm muscle. It vanished shortly after appearing, but it was there! I swear it was!

HRH

I just heard a rumor that the former Ms. Teen Nebraska is coming to work in my office.
Needless to say, I am very excited. I've never met a Ms. Teen from anywhere before. Somehow this is just the kind of thing that happens in Nebraska. There are eight cows for every person. There's not a lot of people, and there are a lot of cows. This is the kind of town where we take our dog for a walk and people ask if she's one of the dogs from the humane society (the answer is yes). On the other hand from what I hear half the kids in the state could make meth in a bucket at recess. In a way it's like the town from the Music Man and in other ways, well, it's not. However until a traveling salesman comes to town and tries to sign me up for a boys band, the former Ms. Teen Nebraska is the most excitement I've seen in quite some time.

Another Favorite

When I am with you,
we stay up all night.
When you're not here,
I can't go to sleep.
Praise God for these two insomnias!
And the difference between them.

The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you,
not knowinghow blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.
We are the mirror as well as the face in it.
We are tasting the taste this minute of eternity.
We are pain and what cures pain, both.
We arethe sweet cold water
and the jar that pours.
I want to hold you close like a lute,
so we can cry out with loving.

You would rather throw stones at a mirror?
I am your mirror,
and here are the stones.

--The Essential Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks

Confidential to Mr. Fidget in my office:

You are annoying.
Cut it out.
Thanks,
E

All By Myself

Mr. E is out of town, which means I am having some quality alone time. I am all about quality alone time, btw. I can do all kinds of crazy organzing projects, iron stuff that no self respecting man thinks you should iron, talk on the phone for hours, eat Ragu and fake parmesan cheese on EVERYTHING, and when I clean something, it stays clean. Although now that Princess Midnite has come along, that last one might not hold true.

So far I've organized my craft shelves, made muffins, made an awesome chicken salad, mowed the rest of the lawn, taken out the trash, swept the floors, tanned, and not taken a shower for days. Awesome.

In closing, I would like to add that The Sun Never Sets on a Legend. That's code for yes, I will be watching that crappy CBS movie on Elvis while shoveling pasta in my mouth.

Sea Quote

"I really don't know why it is that all of us are so committed to the sea, except I think it's because in addition to the fact that the sea changes, and the light changes, and ships change, it's because we all came from the sea. And it is an interesting biological fact that all of us have in our veins the exact same percentage of salt in our blood that exists in the ocean, and, therefore, we have salt in our blood, our sweat, and in our tears. We are tied to the ocean. And when we go back to the sea, whether it is to sail or to watch it, we are going back from whence we came."

President John F. Kennedy, Australian Ambassador's Dinner for the America's Cup Crews, September 14, 1962, Newport, R.I.

Say it now, while you have the chance

A while ago, I heard an episode of This American Life where the theme was things you wish you had said in the moment. One of the speakers talked about how he wished he had told his mom how amazing she was and how much he loved her before she died. It really hit home with me, and since then I've been composing a letter to my mom in my head, just so she really really knows what she means to me. It took me forever to get around to putting my thoughts on paper, but I finally did, just in time for mother's day, and I mailed this instead of a card.


Dear Mom,
This year we may have missed the first gold by a bit. I guess that’s the point, right? That it’s fleeting. But you sent me the email anyway, and it’s lucky you did. I don’t think I would know that spring is here without it. In those last few weeks of February, I am waiting for it, hoping that it’s just around the corner. When you called me up to tell that we may have missed it, you said something like "someday I’ll be dead and maybe you’ll see the first gold and think of me". And what I wanted to tell you is that while I hope that day does not arrive for a long long time, I want you to know that even right now, you are a part of me in a way that means that I think about you every day, all the time, in many moments and maybe more often than you know.

Sometimes, when I should be thinking lofty work thoughts in meetings, I look down at my hands, and see your hands, and think "I got these hands from my mother". When someone asks me how to spell something, I always know how, and I know that I got that from you. When I hear that one of my friends is in therapy because she has no self confidence and doesn’t know how to get any, I think about how I am a strong self confident woman because I had a strong self confident mother who knew no other way to raise me, and I am so proud and so grateful for that. Not everyone gets that from their moms. Not everyone gets as lucky as I did.

When I am sick or tired and I wish I had someone to push my hair back behind my ear and sing me Irish lullabies, I am wishing for the you I remember from when I was a little girl. When I have my own children, I will do the same thing for them, and I will think of you. When I tell someone I love them, it is because you taught me how. Whenever I start something for the first time, I hear your voice in the back of my head saying "Give em hell". When I laugh at something no one else thinks is funny, sometimes for days, every time I remember it, I think "this, this I got from my mother". When I need courage, I think of you, and stick my chin out a little farther and do what has to be done. Whenever I meet a new person, and my natural shyness takes over, I stick out my hand anyway, because you taught me I had no other choice. When I run, I think of running with you around the dirt track of our tennis club and I hear your voice telling me to lengthen my strides when I run downhill. For the rest of my life, whenever I smell Chanel Number Five, just for a second, I’ll remember being seven years old and running into your arms at the end of a long day of school.

There are thousands upon thousands of moments like this in my life. Every day moments where I smile or laugh or draw courage or feel a little bit sad, and they are all moments when I am reminded of you. I want you to know now, so that you know it forever, that you have been the person in my life who I have most wanted to be like, who I hold up as my example in all things, who loved me best and first. You are the most amazing woman I know. I will always think of you; it would be impossible for me not to. We have been through my whole life together. There have been times when things seemed hopeless, but you never gave up, and I was never surprised. I knew you’d always be there for me, and that nothing was going to get the better of my mom. You are my role model, my motivation, and my most loyal ally. There could never be a time when I do not think of you, when I do not love you, when I do not think "how lucky am I, to have had such a woman in my life".

Happy Mother’s Day

Elizabeth's Rules for Life, or Really Obvious Things I Learned the Hard Way

1. Don't wear flowered pants. Unless you WANT your ass to look like it's the size of France.
2. Never ask anyone when they're due.
3. Everyone loves presents. If your boyfriend is having problems committing and he needs a nudge in the right direction, it helps to buy him a guitar.
4. Reading makes you smarter, and a better speller.
5. If the swimsuit you have your eye on goes on sale at J Crew you better buy it right freaking then.
6. If you ever get a puppy, make sure you also have a house with wood floors.
7. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
8. Look at the way a man treats his mothers and his sisters if you want to know how he'll treat you.
9. You don't need to eat as much as you think you do.
10. Those red napkins from Crate and Barrel bleed in the wash. Mr. E, I didn't tell you this at the time, but I think that's totally what happened to your Nebraska sweatshirt.
11. If you give your husband little boxes to check off, he will totally do jobs around the house.
12. There's a lot of calories in most shit from Starbucks. A LOT.
13. Always write thank you notes.
14. No job is worth being miserable. GET OUT!
15. Diet dessert = crap
16. If your husband ever gets caught scratching his ass on the balcony of his hotel while smoking and talking on the phone, you should at least dock his allowance.
17. If you are a man and you wear a white shirt with a navy blue jacket and a navy blue tie you will look like a baptist preacher or an old old oldster.
18. Target has super cute jackets this spring, but their swimsuits = crap.
19. Denim should NEVER be worn with denim.
20. Never assume a plot when stupidity will explain the result. (I stole this one, and it's actually Orr's Rule #2, and most people don't really like it when you drop this into the middle of their conversation about why such and such bitch did such and such thing, so it has to be used sparingly. I love it, however. So simple, so clean, so true.)
21. Ashton Kutcher isn't as annoying in the movies as he is in "real life"
22. Take the stairs
23. I know it's bad for me, but I'll always think sunburns on girls are sexy.
24. Current Events. Pay attention to them. You're not the only thing going on in the world.
25. Change the sheets. You're not in college anymore and it's gross not to.
26. Sometimes you've just gotta crank up the music and dance, especially when your cat's favorite song (Whenever, Wherever - Shakira) comes on.
27. Nothing makes you feel sexier than sexy shoes and a good bra.
28. Eat more fruit.
29. Being a picky eater is boring.
30. The best kind of love is the kind you can't explain.

Holla back at the Dannon Light 'N' Fit with Fiber

Well, I guess it really holla'd back at me. I just did the biggest craziest stinkiest poo ever. Have you ever seen the movie Anaconda? Yeah, it was like that. I feel like a new woman. This morning Mr. E made the same claim shortly after spending some quality time getting his poo on, and I felt bitter. But now I'm right there with him. Awesome.

Graduation

Mr E and I just returned from a lovely adventure in the great state of Michigan.
Some of my favorite moments:

-getting a pedicure with my sister in law and not even caring that my toes looked better before, rather than after, the pedicure, just because the foot massage was that incredibly good

-sitting in the jacuzzi at my mother in law hotels for hours with a mike's lemonade in my hand gossiping with the four amazing women whos' family I am lucky enough to be a part of

-not getting hungover drunk on sangria at dominick's for the first time in my life (I switched off beer and water)

-not gaining any weight, woo hoo!

-blasting the Go Go's with the windows open driving down State Street on the way back from U of M's graduation

-having Mr. E's aunts tell me how great I looked

-dyeing my hair pink accidentally

-Miss Sarah "processing in" to graduation and noting that she had clearly been raised right, as she was 1. one of the only people NOT on a cell phone and 2. she was wearing sweat pant capris under her graduation gown. Anytime you can rock the sweatpant capris you should. Particularly when you find yourself graduating outside at 8:30 in the morning.

-ordering tapas by writing down everything we wanted on the paper tablecloth and thinking of my step dad the whole time

-Fitting into and wearing my new size eight J crew dress

-Realizing that no mattter what happened, AA wasn't our home anymore, and that was ok

-Mr. E yelling "Eat Me" at a spandex clad biker

-being told that my sister and brother in law stocked up on gin because they knew I was coming to town. Drinking said gin by the lake, from a mason jar

-Touching the ceiling of the hallway of the hotel over and over, just because I could. It was so low ceilinged that I felt like an extra in Being John Malkovitch

-Making fun of the speakers at the U of M graduation while freezing my ass off and eating chocolate chip cookies

-The Victoria's Secret underwear lying in the path to graduation that every parent had to step over

-The free airline tickets and sushi Northwest Airlines gave us for overselling our flight

-Business Class

-The super cute new jacket Mr E helped me pick out at Target that never would have fit before

-Sitting in a hotel room with 40 of Mr. E's family members furiously gossiping about his cousin's new girl friend.

-Seeing old friends and talking about old times

I Don't Know Where I Belong

This weekend Mr. E and I are heading back to whence he came for his sister's college graduation. Being around his sisters always stresses me out. They are just so....perfect. I have a new dress and new shoes and new toenail polish and a new jacket and I know I will end up feeling like the nail polish is gaudily bright and wrong and my dress is too tight and my hair is too short and I'll get mustard or something on my jacket and all weekend I'll just feel short and fat and not as good. Most of the time I have really high self esteem, but there's certain people who I'm just not good at maintaining it around. I really wish I had managed to keep everything on track and lose some more weight, because never ever ever do I wish more to be skinny than when I am around Erik's family. It would have provided a very specific very needed sense of certainty. I could have said, to myself, "I am not fat. I am not a bad person. I am not ugly. After all, I just lost ten pounds." Instead my goal is to remember that this week can either be a gaining week, a loss week, or a maintenance week, and I am sick of maintenance. I want a loss, dammit. Which means I need to work really really hard, and not slack off. So far I have eaten one and a half donuts and not worked out at all. So things are off to a great start!

If I'm Going to Post Every Day Sometimes It's Just Going to Be Quotes I Like

When we walk to the end of all the light we have, and take a step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen: that we will land on something solid, or we will learn to fly.

Home

We just got back from seven days in Mexico.
The weird thing is, I'm happy to be back here.
It's so peaceful, and it's nice to see familiar friendly faces.
We have houseguests from out of town right now, so maybe after they're gone I'll sink into a pit of depression, but for now, I'm about as happy to be in Nebraska as I've ever been.
I make it sound like vacation wasn't awesome, which isn't true. It's just nice to be home, while at the same time feeling very tan and enjoying whatever residual relaxation I can.

Every time I travel , I think the same thing. I need to travel more. So that's my new goal. Save all my money and go on more trips.

Ok, well, I am tired of competing for the most boring post ever prize.
Later.

Happy Birthday Mom!

I hope you have a good one and that you like the TV-B-Gone that I got you! Since it received an official mention from the New York Times I am sure you'll love it.

My mom's not an easy person to describe, and I'm not going to try today. But I'll leave you with two quotes, both of which I think in my mind will always pretty much say it better than I can myself.

"It is not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both."
–EB White, Charlotte’s Web

"Good writers borrow, Great writers steal" -stolen from TS Eliot, by My Mom.

Nebraska and I, We're Both Moody Bitches

Yesterday it SNOWED here, and today it's sunny and 60 degrees.
Which is really annoying, because if I would have known it was going to be HOT (based on my lowered set of Midwestern standards) I could have worn way cuter shoes than the ones I'm wearing right now.

You would think I should have something better to blog about than the weather.
We'll, you'd be wrong. I live in NEBRASKA. The weather and cattle are like, the only things our state does.

I guess I could try to divulge some personal emotions about my life or whatever. Maybe let out my Heart Feelings (tm Mr. E's mom). I don't know if I'm quite ready for that, but I will say that I am going on vacay in six days and I am already pissed off about the fact that when I come return home, it will be to someplace I'd rather not be coming back to. My goal for next year's vacation is to be excited and happy to be coming home.

We Screen for Felons and Married People.

-Tag Line from some dating web site that just caught my eye. To which I'd like to add:
We're Not THAT bad.
Elizabeth

Recipe for disaster

It's always a good sign when you're so desperate for a drink that you'll settle for the (not so tasty) concoction of vodka, pellogrino, and lemon. Any vehicle to get the vodka into your bloodstream at this point!
Ah, visiting the parents.
Also, who has lime chutney pickle but no limes? Jesus.

IN WHICH I USE THE CAPS LOCK WAY TOO MUCH

So yesterday, I was wearing my most cute, very gorgeous pointy toed Nine West camel colored heels that I got in San Fran for 17 dollars. Seventeen dollars everyone! Crazy. And so I decided that it was high time that I asked my lovely and talented and VERY coordinated friend Anna to show me how to walk in my heels. Anna's a dancer and shit, besides being very super awesome, and she totally showed me that MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE I HAVE BEEN WALKING WRONG. Seriously people. Did you get that? MY WHOLE LIFE I HAVE BEEN WALKING WRONG. And I am telling you, there have been people who have almost divorced me (Mr. E) because they think I walk to slow. But did they happen to mention that maybe it was because MY WHOLE LIFE I HAVE BEEN WALKING WRONG? Of course not! That would be too easy.

On the plus side, I am going to visit my mom this weekend, so now I can give her a lot of quality guilt treatments about how she never taught me to walk properly and how it has ruined my life and how that is why I am not famous and taller and generally how it is her fault that my life is so depressing and I live in Nebraska. And also I would like to add that this weekend when I called my step dad to remind him I was coming HE DID NOT KNOW WHO I WAS. Even when I told him my name. Lucky I called ahead of time. Jesus, people, don't lose your shit yet, I'm not ready to take care of ya'all right now!

In Memoriam

Last night Mr. E's dad called his cell phone a bunch of times, and when Mr. E finally answered, he got up and went in the other room. I could tell it was something bad but I wasn't sure what it was about. Then Mr. E came back in the room and told me that his little dog Kelly was no longer with us. Kelly is the dog Mr. E and his whole family grew up with, she was a complete and utter part of the family, and I think Mr. E loved her in a way that maybe even I can't understand. When he would go home to visit he would always say that he was really going home to visit his dogs, and you would see him and Kelly together and know that there was just something special going on there between those two.
After his dad called, Mr. E and I both sat and cried about Kelly. I couldn't believe how sad I was, but there was just something about Kelly. She was just a one of a kind dog. You get lucky if you have one dog like her in your lifetime. Now all other dogs will always be compared to Kelly and will probably never measure up. She was just the smartest, coolest, nicest dog. I could tell that and I don't even like dogs. Mr. E's dad said that he never thought he would do such a thing, but he paid an exhorbitant sum of money and got Kelly's ashes. He thought she deserved it. I thought that was pretty cool.

Then I started in about how Jack from Little House on the Prairie died and Laura asked Pa if Jack was in dog heaven and Pa said yes and he was up there chasing rabbits, we both said Kelly was up in heaven rolling around in a field of Snickers, and then I just sobbed and I had to stop talking about Jack because that just makes me cry like nothing else. And Erik told all his favorite Kelly stories, like the time she ate some chocolate mice his mom had made, with maraschino cherries and hershey's kisses, but Kelly didn't eat the cherries, she just licked those clean and spit them back out, and that was the part they found.

Anyway, then Mr. E played sad music and I think he felt better, but I don't know. We didn't have ice cream so I could not apply the full treatment.

I do think he felt also better because he held little Annabelle on his lap the whole time and he kept saying she could tell that he felt bad, but let's face it, I think we both know she's not the dog Kelly was. Although give her time, she is still just a little puppy. And if it were not for her I can guarantee you we would have some newborn puppy right now named Kelly 2, so for that I am grateful.

Here's to you Kells, you were some dog. I hope you are having fun up there with all those Snickers, but we miss you.

Everyone Needs A Goal

Right now, for those of you who don't know this, I am working very very very hard on losing 20 or 25 pounds. Over the past year and a half I lost 25 pounds and so this is the second half of what I want to lose to be at my goal weight of between 120-125 pounds. For my height this isn't crazy skinny or anything, but if I feel like I am losing too much I'll stop before then. However so far this hasn't been any sort of a problem as the last 25 pounds are refusing to budge. And I have to tell you it's really discouraging and incredibly frustrating to work so hard to lose and regain the same two pounds for months at a time. At this point I feel like I'm flying blind. All I can do is try harder. So starting RIGHT NOW I am going to renew my efforts. If the next three weeks don't bring some kind of loss, I'm going to have to do something else, as I think I'll be able to officially say that Plan A is not working. Until then, it's balls to the wall. So here are my rules/goals/official guidelines for the next three weeks.

1. NO FLEX POINTS
There is much debate about this in the WW community. But so far, I've been eating most of these, and I haven't been losing weight. Perhaps this is an extra 1500 calories I can't afford to eat and still lose weight. I wouldn't be surprised.
2. COUNT EVERY POINT
This means weighing everything, and basically no guessing at restaurant food or what 3 ounces of chicken is.
3. NO JUNK IN THE HOUSE
If I buy 2 pt mini snickers ice cream bars, I will eat them. If I buy a bag of baked cheetos, I will eat them. The whole bag. If I don't have them in the house, I can't eat them. I just simply do not have the will power to not do so. So basically, if it's not something I can afford to eat all of, I shouldn't bring it in the house.
4. NO EATING AFTER 8 PM.
This just seems like a good idea, and Oprah does it, and it will encourage me to work on my bad habit of not eating enough during the day in order to save up for eating too much later on.
5. WORK OUT SIX DAYS A WEEK
This can be anything, from running, to doing any kind of taped aerobics, to playing tennis, but I have to do it. This is my key, I believe, and it always makes me feel better, and it is changing my body, for the better, even if it's not making me lose weight.
6. MOON TIME
Plan ahead for my period. I have to stop using the excuse that I have to eat whatever I need to eat during this three or four day event. So I need some filling cereal, bars, and shakes or something I can take pills with, and I need to go back to the doctor for my pain meds.
7. VEGGIES
Keep a bin in the fridge with water and cut up veggies at all times. I need to get back to relying on fruit and veggies as my only snacks. This makes me want to snack less, and it reduces my reliance on "diet foods" that aren't actually helping anything, like reduced fat triscuits.
8. SOUP AND SALAD
I need to concentrate on having soup and salad at least four days a week. I have been really bad at both of these. These two things alone added into my food routine could make a big difference if they can become something I automatically go to instead of pasta or a bowl of cereal.

That's it, those are my goals. Wish me luck! Will report progress in three weeks.

Cheeseburger in Paradise

I've been in a crabby mood all day, and not even the BLT I inhaled for dinner could snap me out of it. And when you have a problem bacon can't fix, well, you know it's a bad one. Bacon should be able to fix anything.
In a totally unrelated matter, whenever I eat a BLT, it reminds me of the summer I spent visiting my grandparents in Vermont, the summer before I started high school. It was one of the best summers of my life, because I spent the whole time getting to know one of my best friends, my cousin J. She's so much like me it kind of freaks me out sometimes. There's something about knowing someone so cool who's so much like me that always makes me proud. But before I knew how we'd end up being so close, and how she'd be the MOH in my wedding, and how she's singlehandedly get me through every major crisis of my "adult" life by listening and understanding no matter what, well, before then I found her pretty damned intimidating. It was nice to spend a summer learning that well, yes, while she was intimidating, because she could take the train by herself and use her mom's credit card to buy red shoes and watched General Hospital, but that she was also such a cool funny kick ass person. I always felt sad that before my Grandma died I didn't remember to tell her thanks, for giving me that summer with my cousin, and thus one of my most valued friendships. And also, for all the BLT's. Every time my grandparents took us out to dinner, it was to Howard Johnson's, and I always ordered a BLT, and J always ordered a cheeseburger. Every single time.
I miss those days.

Friday Sucky Check In

So, no loss today, which SUCKS, and I am super hungry, and I just found out I have to go to a staff meeting I really don't want to go to as it's going to SUCK, and my knees hurt from working out so much even though I never lose weight so I don't know why I bother which super SUCKS, and new J Crew cashmere cardigan is covered with SUCKY SUCKY pills, and there aren't any movies out this weekend that don't SUCK, and I just opened a new bank account which they refuse to give me the account number for even though they have $100 of my money which SUCKS and btw why does everyone keep trying to get me to stay in Nebraska when it SUCKS so bad here?
However, I am wearing VERY cute shoes today. Which don't suck at all.

I will turn that dryer on as high as it goes because I can.

The other day Mr. E and I were standing in the laundromat growing increasingly irritable over the obvious suck of time and money involved in getting our clothes only marginally clean, when he looked over at me, read my mind, and said "let's buy a washer and dryer". I told him if he found one, and figured out how to pay for it, and got it into the house, I would totally do all his laundry, forever. Which sounds crazy, but really, actually, I love to laundry. LOVE IT. A washing machine is like crack cocaine to an anal retentive cleaner such as myself. And without one, I was not fulfilling my true anal retentive destiny. Anyway, we totally couldn't actually afford it, but that's what credit cards are for. And besides, I bargained them into delivering it for free, so at least I can tell myself we got a good deal, even though I am sure we didn't, as we are naive babies when it comes to the world of bargaining for used household appliances. Which, hello? Algebra class? Could I not have learning some useful skills during that time? Like maybe how to walk in really high heels or how to bargain for washing machines? Yeah, thanks for wasting thousands of hours of my life on Tuesday mornings from 8:15 am to 9 am, algebra, you bastard.

Here's someone who said it much better than I ever could...
For some reason this poem always reminds me of my mom.
Who also loves to do laundry, and has tons of awesome rules about it that we used to get in these huge fights about. And now I can break them with my own washing machine! Awesome.


SORTING LAUNDRY
Folding clothes,
I think of folding youinto my life.
Our king sized sheets
like table cloths for the banquets of giants,
pillow cases, despite so many washings
seams still holding our dreams.
Towels patterned orange and green,
flowered pink and lavender,
gaudy, bought on sale,reserved,
we said, for the beach,
refusing, even after years,
to bleach into respectability.
So many shirts and skirts and pants
recycling week after week, head over heels
recapitulating themselves.
All those wrinkles to be smoothed, or else
ignored, they're in style.
Myriad uncoupled socks
which went paired into the foamlike those creatures in the ark.
And what's shrunkis tough to discard
even for Goodwill.
In pockets, surprises: forgotten matches,
lost screws clinking on enamel;
paper clips, whatever they held
between shiny jaws, now dissolved or clogging the drain;
well washed dollars, legal tender for all debts public and private,
intact despite agitation;
and, gleaming in the maelstrom,
one bright dime,
broken necklace of good gold
you brought from Kuwait,
the strangely tailored shirt left by a former lover...
If you were to leave me,
if I were to fold only my own clothes,
the convexes and concaves
of my blouses, panties, stockings, bras
turned upon themselves,
a mountain of unsorted wash
could not fillthe empty side of the bed.
-Elisavietta Ritchie