Tuesday, October 04, 2005

What would it take to walk away?

There is a not small part of me that is sick to my very bones of thinking about food. Of being hungry. Of being cold. Of wanting to lose weight, and being depressed when I don’t. At this point I feel like if I want to lose these last ten pounds, I’m going to have to be hungry a lot of the time. I’m going to have to work really hard. I’m going to fall asleep thinking about chocolate covered pretzels and wake up thinking about chocolate covered pretzels. I don’t know if it’s possible to lose ten pounds without being in this mind set or not. All I know is that I am not ready to give up, and I don’t know any other way, but I don’t like what’s going on in my head right now. The idea of not trying anymore, the idea of just being happy where I am and just focusing on being healthy takes me breath away with fear. Can that be normal? Can that be right? Is it weird that I hate the struggle so much and yet at the same time I need the struggle even more than I hate it? The fact is that for me to walk away at this point would overturn my entire life and would fuck with my entire belief system. I’d have nothing else to think about. If I didn’t feel hungry, I don’t know what I’d feel anymore.

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