Tuesday, April 26, 2005
I Don't Know Where I Belong
This weekend Mr. E and I are heading back to whence he came for his sister's college graduation. Being around his sisters always stresses me out. They are just so....perfect. I have a new dress and new shoes and new toenail polish and a new jacket and I know I will end up feeling like the nail polish is gaudily bright and wrong and my dress is too tight and my hair is too short and I'll get mustard or something on my jacket and all weekend I'll just feel short and fat and not as good. Most of the time I have really high self esteem, but there's certain people who I'm just not good at maintaining it around. I really wish I had managed to keep everything on track and lose some more weight, because never ever ever do I wish more to be skinny than when I am around Erik's family. It would have provided a very specific very needed sense of certainty. I could have said, to myself, "I am not fat. I am not a bad person. I am not ugly. After all, I just lost ten pounds." Instead my goal is to remember that this week can either be a gaining week, a loss week, or a maintenance week, and I am sick of maintenance. I want a loss, dammit. Which means I need to work really really hard, and not slack off. So far I have eaten one and a half donuts and not worked out at all. So things are off to a great start!