Thursday, May 05, 2005

Elizabeth's Rules for Life, or Really Obvious Things I Learned the Hard Way

1. Don't wear flowered pants. Unless you WANT your ass to look like it's the size of France.
2. Never ask anyone when they're due.
3. Everyone loves presents. If your boyfriend is having problems committing and he needs a nudge in the right direction, it helps to buy him a guitar.
4. Reading makes you smarter, and a better speller.
5. If the swimsuit you have your eye on goes on sale at J Crew you better buy it right freaking then.
6. If you ever get a puppy, make sure you also have a house with wood floors.
7. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
8. Look at the way a man treats his mothers and his sisters if you want to know how he'll treat you.
9. You don't need to eat as much as you think you do.
10. Those red napkins from Crate and Barrel bleed in the wash. Mr. E, I didn't tell you this at the time, but I think that's totally what happened to your Nebraska sweatshirt.
11. If you give your husband little boxes to check off, he will totally do jobs around the house.
12. There's a lot of calories in most shit from Starbucks. A LOT.
13. Always write thank you notes.
14. No job is worth being miserable. GET OUT!
15. Diet dessert = crap
16. If your husband ever gets caught scratching his ass on the balcony of his hotel while smoking and talking on the phone, you should at least dock his allowance.
17. If you are a man and you wear a white shirt with a navy blue jacket and a navy blue tie you will look like a baptist preacher or an old old oldster.
18. Target has super cute jackets this spring, but their swimsuits = crap.
19. Denim should NEVER be worn with denim.
20. Never assume a plot when stupidity will explain the result. (I stole this one, and it's actually Orr's Rule #2, and most people don't really like it when you drop this into the middle of their conversation about why such and such bitch did such and such thing, so it has to be used sparingly. I love it, however. So simple, so clean, so true.)
21. Ashton Kutcher isn't as annoying in the movies as he is in "real life"
22. Take the stairs
23. I know it's bad for me, but I'll always think sunburns on girls are sexy.
24. Current Events. Pay attention to them. You're not the only thing going on in the world.
25. Change the sheets. You're not in college anymore and it's gross not to.
26. Sometimes you've just gotta crank up the music and dance, especially when your cat's favorite song (Whenever, Wherever - Shakira) comes on.
27. Nothing makes you feel sexier than sexy shoes and a good bra.
28. Eat more fruit.
29. Being a picky eater is boring.
30. The best kind of love is the kind you can't explain.

1 comment:

ee said...

Uh, I just want to say that the reference to the husband scratching his ass on the balcony was not in reference to me (it was to K Fed, for the culturally moronic), that Orr's Rule #2 should apply to Princess Nebraska far more often than she realizes, and that the red stain on the sweatshirt was obviously from the red Crate and Barrell napkins, but I just didn't feel like getting in a row about it.

And in reference to the previous post, I am grossed out to the max.