Friday, December 23, 2005

Make A Plan

Today's weigh in was 120. I'm gonna talk more later about what this means, because it is a huge deal for me, but for right now, I'm gonna focus on damage control. Because this is normally the time I would give up for awhile, slack off, before making the big push for another five pounds, and I just can't afford that right now. And plus I feel like I'm on some kind of a roll, despite the holidays and all the traveling we're about to do, and I have to take advantage of my crazy willpower when I can, because you never know when it will get away from me. And also not only do I not want to gain back any weight, I'd like to be at 115 by February 14th. That's the day I started all this craziness, two years ago.
For me, the best thing to do in these circumstances is to make a plan, and to try to stick to it as best I can.

So my plan is:
1. no gas station treats except water and sugarless gum. If I get desperate for gas station treats (I really love gas station treats!), I can have baked chips or mentos, but really, I don't need this stuff, I have a crapload of healthy stuff all packed up and ready to go. (I get VERY hungry while traveling, and very bored, and for years I thought of traveling as free time, when I could eat all the junk in the world and it didn't count. So eating healthy while traveling is really really really really really hard for me.)

2. If I get hungry, eat FRUIT.

3. For dinner, I'm going to have stuff I brought plus I can have whatever grilled chicken sandwich is on offering, or a double cheeseburger without the bun. Either option will be gross. But that's ok. I need to get beyond my idea of McDonald's as a "free exception because it's inevitable and delicious so I get a pass here" and more like "This isn't going to be good, this isn't a treat, I'm going to get the least bad for me thing and eat it so I'm not hungry but I'll have a real treat later". I was so deprived of McDonald's as a kid that this is really hard for me.

4. And I'm gonna go back on the wagon and say "no treats". If I start allowing treats as a possibility, then all of sudden I'll let myself eat ANYTHING and all of sudden treats are just a matter of course and then I'm just walking by the table throwing cookies in my mouth without even realizing it and I need to more conscious of my choices than that. So NO TREATS. Unless I get a bad chocolate craving, then there are contingencies in places for that. :) Sometimes being at my mom's just makes me want to eat chocolate and sometimes you just have to. (The contingency plan is that I am allowed to drink booze if I really need it, but only whiskey, since I don't like it that much and can't drink that much but it really relaxes me, dark chocolate, but only one per day, and I am allowed to have oyster stew on Christmas Eve which I don't even think is that bad for you and it's a family tradition so I'm just not gonna be able to get out of that one.)

Thursday, December 22, 2005

I hate packing

I simply cannot express how much I completely and totally cannot stand packing. Or getting ready for trips. It just hammers home to me how much different I AM from how I wish I WAS.

I wish I was the type of person who could throw on a cashmere sweater grab some tampons and some sunglasses and a copy of Vogue or something and just take off. And hell, if I need more more clothes when I get somewhere, I could just buy some fabulous native clothing and start a new fashion craze for Indian saris or something. In reality I am the type of person who will make 60,000 lists of things to do for weeks before I leave, who will fret for days over whether to pack the only cashmere sweater I own because it's so ratty because I wreck all my clothes, who will end up packing only jeans I wish I fit into because I'm in denial about what actually looks good on me, and who will end hating everything I've brought with me the second I arrive at my destination, who can't afford to buy anything new and who has to lug around the nine hundred pounds of luggage I brought with me even though I hate it all and will just end up wearing yoga pants and one of Mr. E's huge t shirts the entire time anyway.
I wish I knew how to stop being this way, but I don't. I wish boots didn't take up half of my suitcase, but they do, and yes, I do need six pairs. I wish my life didn't come with SO MUCH baggage. Every once in a while I'd like to just jet off to India...free as the wind.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Christmas Crafts

Here's my vintage popcorn strand.
The ornaments are vintage, the popcorn is not :)
This is my favorite Christmas decor so far! Although for some reason I had to buy THREE batches of popcorn to find any large enough to string.


Here's the latest nativity scene in my collection, and Annabelle's "antlers"



And here's the cookie packs I handed out as office presents. I loved these because I got to buy and sample all my favorite christmas candies and goodies without having entire boxes around to tempt me for weeks. These had white fudge covered oreos, applets and cotlets, Trader Joe's chocolate chip meringues, mini candy canes, maple walnut ginger spice cookies, sugar cookies, cherry bombs, lindt truffles, dove dark chocolates, toffee, ribbon candy, brownies, chocolate toffee bars, and maybe some other stuff I can't remember. Yum! I was sad I didn't get one, but my ass was happy :)

Love

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Tenacity.

Over the years that the award was given, Senator Proxmire provided steady material for reporters and headline writers and made the nation laugh.

But he counted among his most significant accomplishments the government's 1986 approval of an international treaty outlawing genocide, for which he had delivered more than 3,000 speeches in the Senate over a 19-year period and which President Ronald Reagan finally signed into law in 1988. It took 40 years for the United States to join 97 other countries in a treaty outlawing genocide and it would not have done so were it not for Mr. Proxmire's tenacity.

For two decades he would deliver a speech in favor of the treaty every morning the Senate was in session.

From NYT

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

NSV????

(For those of you not in Weight Watchers, NSV stands for Non Scale Victory. It means you didn't lose weight, but something else good happened)

For awhile now, since I've had anywhere from the last 5-15 pounds to lose, the weight has come off SLOWWWWWWLY, to say the least. My last weight update I was at 128, I don't remember when that was, but I do know I was wearing shorts in my picture, and now I'm at 122, and it's snowing. So that gives you some idea. Six pounds lost isn't bad, obviously, but the more interesting thing to note is that my clothes size has gotten much much smaller, even when the scale hasn't gone down at all. Obviously due to having more muscle, less fat, running, etc.

So I'm in a weird place, right now. I'm not at my goal weight, but I've grown out of all my clothes, I can't afford to replace them, I can't find clothes small enough in some stores in the mall, and I still don't feel skinny.

I don't know if it's because the scale says 122 instead of 115, I don't know if it's because of my body dysmorphicness, or because I have unrealistic expectations, or because I sometimes think I'm "skinny fat person" with no muscle definition and my arms don't look like what I thought they should look like when I was "done", I don't know.

WhenI started this, I said all the time "I just want to be able to wear size 6 Gap jeans". Ok, that's done. I can do that. Those jeans are TOO BIG for me now, and I still don't feel happy. I justify it by saying that the jeans I am talking about were the jeans I wore in 1992 and there has been rampant size inflation since then, but the reality is that I'm about to have to start buying size 2's in some stores and I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the person who can't find pants SMALL enough.

What prompted all this thinking is that this weekend I finally bought new jeans. They are a size 4 Petite from American Eagle. I never thought I'd see the day. I never even dared to think of it. To be honest with you. I never ever did. Even though when I started this, it was partially because I couldn't find jeans big enough to fit me in a size 16 at Old Navy. In a lot of ways, a size 4 at American Eagle is a HUGE NSV for me. But in other ways, I still feel like a failure. I'm still not happy with how I look. And more importantly, I'm still not happy with how I see myself.

It's so screwed up that I could weigh 180 pounds and think I looked pretty good, and two years later weigh 122 and think I look like crap. I wish I knew how to fix it, but I don't.

But what I am going to say is that I really don't want to outgrow my size 4 jeans. I don't want to be too fat to wear them, and I don't want to be too small to wear them. So I am still going for 115, and if it makes my size four jeans a little looser, that's ok, but if it means I have to go look for size 2's, I need to stop where I am, and learn to wrap my brain around the number on the scale, and the size I am. And a little more resistance training wouldn't hurt. I do think I would feel better about myself if I were a larger number on the scale but had some more definition.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Holiday Run Recap

I ran my fourth race yesterday, the Holiday Run. I'm still waiting for the race I finish and say "That was easy!" but this was not it. However, like all the Lincoln runs, it was really well organized and thought out, with cool touches like hot chocolate and cookies at the finish, jingle bells for everyone's shoes, and presents (gift certificates, water bottles, etc) scattered throughout the course.
It's a cross country run, all around a giant park, up and down hills and through the forest. It was very very pretty, and it was fun (in retrospect), and it felt great, but it was HARD. I've never run through snow before, and the closest thing I can compare it too is running through dry sand. I also think the people who turned out for the race were a bit more hardcore, because the group started FAST. Way too fast for me, as it it turned out. Pacing is definetely my weak point, and I always start too fast (which is why I like 5k's so much) but running fast isn't actually my strength, my endurance is. About a mile in I started to feel SO much like I was going to throw up. It's a miracle I didn't. I also really really wanted to quit. Then I saw Mr. E and I knew I couldn't. Shortly after that I fell in with a slower pack of four women and I started to feel better, so much so that I passed them shortly. After that another woman and I traded leads the rest of the way. She was a great motivator. I don't know that I would have run as fast as I did had she not been on my tail the whole time. When we went into the final stretch, I was determined that she would NOT beat me, if it had anything to do with will, and I turned it on, and blew past her to the finish. Or what I thought was the finish. Actually it wasn't that well marked and I ran to the left instead of the right and someone had to run over and grab my tag.

Still, it was really fun and quite exhilarating. And I could feel it the rest of the day. I was TIRED. But a good tired. Oh, my time? 31:40.

Not the time I wanted, but considering the snow and ice (at times we had to "skate" rather than run) it was ok. It does make me nervous to run nine minute miles for the half marathon though. Oh well. I ALWAYS beat myself up after races, telling myself I could have done more, I could have pushed harder, I could have left more out there. I have to remember that a year ago, maybe even a month ago, I could not have done this at all, or at least not in 31:11. Oh, and that I can push through anything, even snow, ice, and impending vomit. And I do need to work on my pacing.
It's hard when I spend so much time running on the treadmill. I'm gonna have to get in every outdoor run I can between now and February.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Goals

I'm not gonna wait for the new year to list out my goals. Here they are:
1. Lose ten or fifteen pounds, depending on what the scale says on Friday.
2. Decide that maybe I don't need to lose ten or fifteen pounds, and learn how to love my body right now.
3. Figure out a good middle ground between 1 and 2.
4. Run a half marathon
5. Run a half marathon in under two hours.
6. Learn to drive
7. Cook - craft - write - blog. Which means, specifically:
decorate my house, upholster my old chairs I have sitting around, take pictures, frame pictures or post them on my blog, cook and write about it, create art, and work on maybe maybe writing a book. In short, I used to spend a lot of time just listening to music and making stuff, and I miss it. So I want to do that again.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Shit and Unfair (Warning: Am ungrateful, whiny brat)

It is shit and unfair that I have to pay 14.95 a month out of my own pocket for Weight Watchers online when by losing 60 pounds I have saved my insurance company and the tax payers of American thousands upon thousands of dollars down the road.

It is shit and unfair that no matter how much weight I lose my boobs still require a $40 sports bra, when I simply haven’t got $40 to spend on a sports bra. I simply don’t have it people.

It is also shit and unfair that this running thing has required the purchase of a new watch and $80 shoes every six months and gloves and pants and various other crap because it’s freaking $20 degrees here people and I ran in old Michigan basketball shorts and an Old Navy t shirt as long as I could but they don’t cut when it’s so cold out that I can barely breathe.

It is shit and unfair that it will get so cold and snowy that I will have to do the majority of my first half marathon training inside, on a treadmill.

It is shit and unfair that when you lose weight, enough weight, eventually that too becomes stressful and awful because it’s winter and you just can’t afford to go spend $500 on pants at Banana Republic but meanwhile you own two pairs of pants that fit you and you work somewhere with a dress code.

It is shit and unfair that on a seven hour drive home for the holidays there won’t be one place to eat where the food isn’t vile McDonald’s poison and so you will spend seven hours eating warm old tasting cheese sandwiches cursing the genes that made you fat while your husband eats four cheeseburgers and an order of McNuggets and never gains a pound.

It is shit and unfair that I got handed a genetic makeup which causes me to lie on the couch in a stupor of pain and drugs once a month, when I should be running. I want to run, people! I got my period the first time when I was twelve, on Thanksgiving. So, by my calculations, I’ve experienced chronic debilitating pain at least once a month, for the past 17 years. 204 times. It’s always sucked, but now that it prevents me from running and throws me off my schedule, it really sucks.

And lastly, let me add, that it is shit and unfair that I live here, in Nebraska, where we have no money, and it’s freezing cold, and peppers cost $4 dollars a pound. One pepper can cost you two dollars, people. It’s fucking ridiculously expensive to eat healthy here. When people say that it’s hard to eat right in today’s society, believe them. It’s incredibly hard. It’s harder and shittier and more unfair on this end (the skinnier side) than it was on the fat end, because now I know the difference and I can’t go back.

Someday I would like to live in a world where I can run on a treadmill at work, where my insurance pays for weight watchers, where I can buy cheap produce on the corner, and where I can afford to buy my own damn $40 sports bras. And maybe that’s really the lesson I should be learning here. My goals are no longer to live in a world where I can eat all the cheeseburgers I want and not be fat. My goal is no longer to be tall and blonde and skinny. Those goals are NOT achievable. That body? I’ll never have. But maybe, maybe, someday, I won’t live in Nebraska, peppers won’t cost $4 a pound, and I’ll cross the finish of a half marathon, $40 sports bra and all.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

On Your Marks...

Yesterday was my first day of half marathon training! I'm excited - I love having a goal to work towards.
Today it's snowing. Also exciting. I LOVE the first snow of the year.

Friday, November 11, 2005

From New York Times...

While reading this lengthy article today (part of it is below) I recognized myself in the description of the blood sugar crash. It happened to me the other day. I wish I had spent more time thinking about what I had eaten prior to the crashing. I guess it's time to start. Although for the most part, I do think I eat very much like the diet described here (towards the bottom). I do count calories, but I also eat lots of protein, lots of veggies, don't worry much about fat, and I choose carbs last. And when I do I try to choose whole grains.

In my opinion this is the only way to eat, but I only achieved it through trial and error. Essentially it ended up being the only way I could eat my allotted calories AND get full.

Don't get me wrong, I do eat junk too. But my point is that I no longer believe a bagel is better for me than peanut butter. In fact, I do remember that I ate a tablespoon of peanut butter afterwards and felt better right away.

Note to self: Listen up! This is you!



David Ludwig, the Harvard endocrinologist, says that it's the direct effect of insulin on blood sugar that does the trick. He notes that when diabetics get too much insulin, their blood sugar drops and they get ravenously hungry. They gain weight because they eat more, and the insulin promotes fat deposition. The same happens with lab animals. This, he says, is effectively what happens when we eat carbohydrates -- in particular sugar and starches like potatoes and rice, or anything made from flour, like a slice of white bread. These are known in the jargon as high-glycemic-index carbohydrates, which means they are absorbed quickly into the blood. As a result, they cause a spike of blood sugar and a surge of insulin within minutes. The resulting rush of insulin stores the blood sugar away and a few hours later, your blood sugar is lower than it was before you ate. As Ludwig explains, your body effectively thinks it has run out of fuel, but the insulin is still high enough to prevent you from burning your own fat. The result is hunger and a craving for more carbohydrates. It's another vicious circle, and another situation ripe for obesity.
The gist of the glycemic-index idea is that the longer it takes the carbohydrates to be digested, the lesser the impact on blood sugar and insulin and the healthier the food. Those foods with the highest rating on the glycemic index are some simple sugars, starches and anything made from flour. Green vegetables, beans and whole grains cause a much slower rise in blood sugar because they have fiber, a nondigestible carbohydrate, which slows down digestion and lowers the glycemic index. Protein and fat serve the same purpose, which implies that eating fat can be beneficial, a notion that is still unacceptable.

At Ludwig's pediatric obesity clinic, he has been prescribing low-glycemic-index diets to children and adolescents for five years now. He does not recommend the Atkins diet because he says he believes such a very low carbohydrate approach is unnecessarily restrictive; instead, he tells his patients to effectively replace refined carbohydrates and starches with vegetables, legumes and fruit. This makes a low-glycemic-index diet consistent with dietary common sense, albeit in a higher-fat kind of way. His clinic now has a nine-month waiting list.

From Mr. E. It made me giggle. Hee.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
7:39

2. Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds, duh.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Shopgirl

4. What is your favorite TV show?
The Redshoe Diaries, on Skinemax.

5. What did you have for breakfast?
Kisses from my schnound.

6. What is your middle name?
"long-dong of the law"

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Japanese? Maybe...

8. What foods do you dislike?
Anything in the gourd family, along with selected tubers.

9. Your favorite Potato chip?
Beef Jerkey Chips. Technically, not a potato, but still a chip.

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
Either Beulah: The coast is never clear, or The New Pornographers: Twin Cinema

11. What kind of car do you drive?
A 98 jetta.

12. Favorite sandwich?
knuckle. No, just kidding ha ha I'm funny! a provalone and tomato on rye.

13. What elements in people do you despise?
Lithium, barium, and especially zinc.

14. Favorite item of clothing?
My T-shirt that says "Accordian players squeeze better." And no, I'm not making that up.

15. Where in the world on vacation would you go?
Iceland, Alaska, New Zealand, Australia, and of course, Funkytown.

16. What color is your bathroom?
The off-white of your typical rental house.

17. Favorite brand of clothing?
International Male.

18. Where would you want to retire to?
I dunno... but I plan on retiring to the bathroom for quite a while this evening.

19. Favorite time of day?
The Gloaming. That's "Twilight" for all you ignorami out there.

20. Where were you born?
Escanaba, in the moonlight. Yes, really.

21. Favorite sport to watch?
Hardcore pornography. It is too a sport!!! No, just kidding. How about curling?

22. Who do you least expect to send this back?
all of the above

23. Person you expect to send it back first?
No one?

24. What laundry detergent do you use?
I don't remember such inanities. It's generic, hypoallergenic, dye and perfume free (gotta save the lil' swimmers, you know -- too much estrogenators are bad for the reproductive system).

25. Coke or Pepsi?
Fresca! No, pepsi.

26. Are you a morning person or night owl?
Night owl.

27. What size shoe do you wear?
It depends. New balance = 13. Reebok = 14. Nike = 15 or higher. And, no, I'm not making that up.

28. Do you own any pets?
Annabelle, my dog. She's a schnound (Schnauzer-hound) and Gravey the cat. And, of course, my trouser snake.

29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone?
No. I live in NE. Nothing's exciting here... except for... no, nothing. sorry.

30. What did you want to be when you were little?
Someone who looks at rocks or studies animals.

31. Favorite Candy Bar?
Nut logs.

32. What is your best childhood memory?
One time, my parents spent the whole day with just me. We went out to dinner, they bought me a toy at the toy store, and then when we came home they read me a story before tucking me into bed, where I dreampt of a future full of possibilities and promise.

That, or the time I got my picture taken with Spiderman at the mall.

33. What are the different jobs you have had in your life?
Janitor, park ranger, research assistant, graduate teaching assistant, research scientist, and "Elizabeth's man-bitch."

34. What colour underwear are you wearing?
Wearing underwear???

35. Nicknames:
Chief, Boss.

36. Piercing?
No.

37. Eye colour?
Blue

38. Ever been to Africa?
No. But I've touched the rains...

39. Ever been toilet papering?
Yes.

40. Love someone so much it made you cry?
God, I hate this question. What does it even mean. ANd it's always on these things. Let's just answer sure. Usually, when I got the restraining order mandating a minimum 1-mile separation between me and my love.

41. Been in a car accident?
Several, but never when I was driving.

42. Croutons or bacon bits?
Croutons.

43. Favourite day of the week?
Sunday, cuz that's my fun day. Not another have to run day.

44. Favourite restaurant?
Piezanos pizza.

45. Favourite flower?
The trillium.

46. Favorite ice cream?
Breyers strawberry

47. Disney or Warner Brothers?
WB -- for having such an awesome Tuesday thru Thursday line up of Gilmore Girls, Everwood, and one other show.

48. Favorite fast food restaurant?
McDonalds. "Now with less semen!"

49. What color is your bedroom carpet?
Schnound puke.

50. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Zero.

51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail?
Mr. Ugambe Smith, Former assistant to the president of the Peoples republic of the Congo, offering me a chance to help him launder 26 million dollars.

52. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
The Apple Store

53. What do you do most often when you are bored?
Cry

54. Bedtime?
When my wife tells me it's time.

55. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire?
Dutch.

56. Last person you went to dinner with?
Well, two of Elizabeth's co workers. It was traumatic on numerous levels.

58. What are you listening to right now?
Head like a hole, by NIN

59. What is your favorite colour?
Blue

60. Lake, ocean or river?
Lake. Duh.

61. How many tattoos do you have?
0

62. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Egg, because if you wanna get scientific, dinosaurs laid eggs long before any chickens came into existence. <-- yes, but then, it's parents had to have had sex, so, one of them "came" first. Usually the guy...

63. How many people are you sending this Email to?
3

64. Time you finished this email?
11:48 am

Is it wrong...

that the Christmas stuff at Starbucks makes me so darn happy? Something about those red cups makes me want to do a little dance. And I don't even LIKE Christmas.
Weird.

In my book...

if you drink flavored coffee and describe yourself to others as a "coffee snob", what you ACTUALLY are is an asshole. If you do it while eating an overripe banana, you're a double asshole. And also, shut up.
Thank you.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Revelations

The other day Mr. E and I were walking into the mall because I had become obsessed with this corduroy jacket I had tried on at American Eagle and so after thinking about how cute it was and how much it would make me look like a Harvard undergrad I had to back and buy it and as we were walking in I caught sight of myself in the window of a restaurant. And in that instance of seeing and recognizing the me that I am now I was overcome with this feeling that I think has been creeping up on me for some time. Instead of being proud of myself for losing 60 pounds, I'm mad at myself for letting my weight get so out of hand that I had to expend such an enormous effort, such an enormous amount of energy, simply to get myself back to "normal", back to a reasonable center. In some sense my achievement is only admirable if you know what I weighed before. I've worked SO SO SO hard, and my reward is to be REGULAR.
Sometimes I wonder what I could have accomplished if only I hadn't had sixty pounds to lose. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be proud of correcting something that I fucked up so totally and completely in the first place. And sometimes I feel like I'm going to wake up one morning and be fat all over again - as if all of this has been a dream. I feel totally insecure in my size 4'ness.
I know time will heal a lot of this. But the me now needs to think harder about if I want to be proud of losing sixty pounds because I want people to give me accolades and tell me I'm skinny, or I want to be proud of the fact that I can run seven miles and I have leg muscles now and I eat healthy and I'm not ashamed of what I look like anymore.

Motivational Quotes

Sometimes this is the only thing that gets me through that shitty second mile on my way to finishing seven:

It's always too early to quit.

AND one I coined myself:

It's not easy. But it is POSSIBLE.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Let me tell you a secret

This is really hard for me to admit, for some weird reason. I think because it makes me sound crazy and out of control, and because it pisses me off that I do it, and so I hate admitting it. It scares me that my brain is doing this crazy off kilter thing and it feels so...awful.

But here it is. I think about food ALL THE TIME. ALL THE TIME. All day long, hundreds upon hundreds upon millions of times a day. It never goes away. It never stops. It's scary, actually.

The voice in my head is a panicky loop of food I can't eat but can't stop thinking about.

dove chocolate, mini donuts, pumpkin spice lattes, cheese and crackers, movie popcorn, cinammon oatmeal, caramel apples, funnel cakes, oatmeal raisin cookies, pumpkin pie, brownies, bagels, ranch dressing, hamburgers, french fries, bacon, ribs, daiquiris, pumpkin seeds, ham, lemon cake, nachos, chocolate chips, granola bars.

It never ends. It's like the sound track to my life.

And it's really really really hard to think about food all the time and at the same time to never be able to eat any of it.

Sometimes it gets to you.

122

I haven't taken a pic yet but this morning the scale said 122. The thing that scares me is that it seems so arbitrary. In my mind I didn't eat any better for the past three weeks than I did for the past three months. I mean, there was even a Little Debbie incident. My running has been great, but the past two weeks have consisted of nothing but trying to do my best, without counting points, because of my mom's wedding and Mr. E's grandma's funeral and the 50 hours we were in the car because of the two. What I'd like to do is to try to remember what I did that led to this - so it doesn't seem like something arbitrary that just happens, but rather something I can control. I want to know that my actions led to that three pound loss, so I don't start thinking I can slack off again. So here's what I've been doing, and what I need to remember to do:

1. I've done great with my running.
2. I need to start more cross training and strength training.
3. I need to count all my points, all the way through dinner.
4. I've been eating a lot more fruits and vegetables for snacks and a lot less carbs.
5. We went grocery shopping and I stuck to my resolution not to buy crap.
6. I didn't buy any crap at Walgreens either.
7. I've been chewing tons of gum.
8. And I'm going to try to leave Starbucks for special movie treats. Damn that pumpkin spice latte.
9. We're going to try walking to the store instead of driving as much as possible.
10. No booze - pretty much. I did have some JD at Mr. E's parents but I consider that medicinal.
11. I need to drink more water.
12. And I need to focus on including even more veggies with dinner.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

In other News...

I ran a 10K. (The Frank Lloyd Wright Races, in Chicago). My time sucked and the race was really crappily organized, but I finished, and I ran the whole way. It was not a great run, but I'm happy I did it.

Finally Legal

My mom and step dad got married two weekends ago.
Some of my favorite pics:
Ok, blogger sucks and won't upload pics.
I'll try later.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Some more favorite quotes to remember

When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion.
-Abraham Lincoln

Thursday, October 13, 2005

It's all fitting together like pieces in a puzzle

I honestly don't know how I thought I would get to goal and lose ten more pounds when I haven't been tracking points at night AT ALL. It's not so much what you eat at night, but more that everything throughout the day has to tie together and balance each other out. You have to know what you are going to eat for dinner when you decide what you eat for lunch. Why it took me two years to figure this out I'm not sure, but I feel like this is going to be my answer to losing the last bit of weight. Instead of feeling guilty because I stopped counting points at five, I will figure everything out for the whole first thing in the morning, and then just eat that stuff. If I do it right there's a lot of flexibility, but less random surprises. I always know what I'm having for dinner anyway, since I plan that out a week at a time, so there's no reason this can't work.
It's just...mindboggling, the difference between saying "I'm getting back on track, I'm not eating crap" and actually DOING something to get back on track. And yet, I don't know that I could have come to this moment any other way. I just had to figure it out on my own. That drives me nuts. What else am I completely missing out there because I'm too dense to get it?

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

This Week's Menus

Breakfast

Pumpkin Muffins
Cereal
Oatmeal
Cranberry Orange Muffins

Snacks

Fruit
Vegetables
Luna bars

Lunches

Salads ala Ms. E's famous checklist
Soup
Cheese/Crackers/Pepperoni
Quiche

Dinners

Smoked Pork Chops, Whipped Sweet Potatoes, Greens
Grilled Chicken Salad and Minestrone
Stir Fry With Sesame Noodles
Spicy Beef and Bok Choy
Italian Wedding Soup with Chicken Meatballs
Mushroom and Chard Ravioli, Squash, and Green Salad
Roasted Chicken, Sauteed Apples, Greens, Rosemary Roasted Red Potatoes

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Even in my dreams he's adorable

I had a dream last night that Mr. E would not stop going to parties. I think in my dream we must have been in college together, in which case the partying would be pretty accurate. Our friend Tim was calling to find Mr. E, and asked "Is Mr. E there?" and no one knew. Then he asked "Well, is there a tall guy there who keeps giggling and rubbing his stomach?" and the person at the party said "Yeah, we've got him." Also, Mr. E was wearing a flannel. I love that my dreams contain accurate fashion references.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Running Schedule 2005-2006

It's time to set some goals.
I have been wary of getting up early, of paying registration money to run, and of doing short races. I want to push myself, dammit!
But then on a long bike ride yesterday with Mr. E I realized I really do want to run this Frank Lloyd Wright thing, and my mom said she would come and cheer me on, so I'm gonna do it!

Frank Lloyd Wright Run 10 K
October 23, 2005
Chicago
Registration Deadline : October 19th

Beatrice Family YMCA Turkey Trot 5 miles
November 24, 2005
Beatrice, NE
Registration Deadline: November 20th

Holiday Run 5K
December 11th
Lincoln

State Farm Run (Lincoln) 10 Miles
March 2006
Lincoln

Novartis Run 10K
April 2006
Lincoln

Lincoln Half Marathon
May 7, 2006
Lincoln

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Science Chafe

Received via email, from Mr. E, in response to an email in which I referred to him as a "dork" (which he is, btw).



I chafe at being referred to as "dork." I much prefer "Man of Science."

What would it take to walk away?

There is a not small part of me that is sick to my very bones of thinking about food. Of being hungry. Of being cold. Of wanting to lose weight, and being depressed when I don’t. At this point I feel like if I want to lose these last ten pounds, I’m going to have to be hungry a lot of the time. I’m going to have to work really hard. I’m going to fall asleep thinking about chocolate covered pretzels and wake up thinking about chocolate covered pretzels. I don’t know if it’s possible to lose ten pounds without being in this mind set or not. All I know is that I am not ready to give up, and I don’t know any other way, but I don’t like what’s going on in my head right now. The idea of not trying anymore, the idea of just being happy where I am and just focusing on being healthy takes me breath away with fear. Can that be normal? Can that be right? Is it weird that I hate the struggle so much and yet at the same time I need the struggle even more than I hate it? The fact is that for me to walk away at this point would overturn my entire life and would fuck with my entire belief system. I’d have nothing else to think about. If I didn’t feel hungry, I don’t know what I’d feel anymore.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Shots out to Aunt Lee

Here is a hideous photograph of me that was taken by a professional "photographer" at work recently. I say "professional" because hi, could I look more tense and ill at ease? Isn't it part of your job to get a relaxed and friendly looking picture out of your subject, even a recalcitrant and uncomfortable one such as myself? Regardless, this morning I was just wishing that someone at work would just freaking tell me how skinny I am getting, even though I know that is superficial and bad and lame and I must love myself blah blah blah, I just wanted to hear it, ok? I wanted someone to just give in and say "damn, girl, you sure are skinny now!" Was that too much to ask? Perhaps, but just as I was wishing this clearly futile wish someone awesome told me that she could really tell I was running alot more. I translated this in my head to "Damn, girl, you sure are looking skinny." and I was happy. And then when this larger than life pic of me was projected across the whiteboard in an all staff conference, for the first time, in, uh, forever, I thought, wow, I'm skinny now. I might not be hot, I might look pissed off and uncomfortable, but I do not have to feel ashamed, in this moment, of being fat. It was really, um, amazing. I felt free.

Monday, September 19, 2005

I don't know what my problem is. I'm driving myself nuts craving baked goods. Currently I'm obsessing about chocolate cheesecake, pumpkin chocolate spice cupcakes, chocolate muffins, brownies, and blueberry muffins. The really scary thing is that it isn't even close to moon time, so I can't blame that. It must be the fall weather.

I'm not sure how to cope with this. It's driving me nuts because I can't stop thinking about food. I think about food and what I can't eat from about 3 in the afternoon until the time I go to bed at night, at 11 pm. Dinner doesn't alleviate my obsessions, because I don't want to eat chicken and salad and green beans. I want to eat chocolate pumpkin cupcakes!

What I'm going to try to do is to really think it through. To plan a realistic approach. To be brutally honest with myself and what the consequences of letting myself fuck up would be. For example, I'm not making cheesecake because it's expensive and I don't even like cheesecake that much. I'll make pumpkin spice muffins for our Halloween party, next month. I won't make brownies tonight because I wouldn't trust myself around a pan of brownies right now. I really really really want to lose this week. I need to be honest with myself and acknowledge that making brownies right now means I probably wouldn't have a loss on Friday.

What I will do is make fat free blueberry muffins for my office on Wednesday. I might make pumpkin muffins instead. And I'll eat one or two with some nice caffeine free tea and try to move on.

Depending on how my knees feel, I might try to do other forms of cardio on Monday and Friday. Right now I am running five days a week. So I only have two break days, and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be doing NOTHING on those days, or if I should be doing other exercise. I suppose weight lifting couldn't hurt. It's really hard to eat only 20 pts on the two days I don't get activity points, I'll tell you that.

Off to move the weightlifting DVD to the top of my Netflix queue...

Monday, September 12, 2005

100 Diet Tips - Or Miss E needs to eat more veggies

Below are 100 diet tips from here:
http://www.prevention.com/article/0,5778,s1-4-88-279-2208-1-P,00.html

They're ok. A bit repetitive. A lot of them I already do.
I added my comments below each one.
Basically I need to eat more fruits and veggies. Still.
That's really hard to do here. But I shall rededicate myself!


I Can Only Handle One Diet Change Right Now. What Should I Do?
1. Add just one fruit or veggie serving daily. Get comfortable with that, then add an extra serving until you reach 8 to 10 a day.

I definitely need to do better with this.

2. Eat at least two servings of a fruit or veggie at every meal.

We’re up to one at dinner, sometimes two. And fruit with breakfast. But I need to do better at lunch.
I think I could modify this to: include a fruit or veg with every meal, and try for two.

3. Resolve never to supersize your food portions--unless you want to supersize your clothes.
I’ve got this covered.

4. Make eating purposeful, not mindless. Whenever you put food in your mouth, peel it, unwrap it, plate it, and sit. Engage all of the senses in the pleasure of nourishing your body.
I do this most of the time.

5. Start eating a big breakfast. It helps you eat fewer total calories throughout the day.
Hmmm. I don’t do this, but my eating (breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner) works for me.

6. Make sure your plate is half veggies and/or fruit at both lunch and dinner.
I try to do this at dinner. Need to do more at lunch.


Are there Any Easy Tricks to Help Me Cut Calories?
7. Eating out? Halve it, and bag the rest. A typical restaurant entree has 1,000 to 2,000 calories, not even counting the bread, appetizer, beverage, and dessert.
I almost always eat half or less, and then give the other half to Mr. E

8. When dining out, make it automatic: Order one dessert to share.
I almost never order dessert anyway. Usually I’ll eat less dinner and then have dessert, sometimes shared. My rule is that I can only order dessert if I’m not full from dinner.

9. Use a salad plate instead of a dinner plate.
I do this for snacks, not for dinner. I need room for all my veggies!

10. See what you eat. Plate your food instead of eating out of the jar or bag.
I try to do this. When I don’t it’s a disaster.

11. Eat the low-cal items on your plate first, then graduate. Start with salads, veggies, and broth soups, and eat meats and starches last. By the time you get to them, you'll be full enough to be content with smaller portions of the high-calorie choices.
I try to do this also. It helps if you have the veggie when the rest of dinner is still cooking. That makes you more hungry for the only option you have (the veggie)

12. Instead of whole milk, switch to 1 percent. If you drink one 8-oz glass a day, you'll lose 5 lb in a year.
Done.

13. Juice has as many calories, ounce for ounce, as soda. Set a limit of one 8-oz glass of fruit juice a day.
I never drink juice. I don’t drink calories. (See #14)

14. Get calories from foods you chew, not beverages. Have fresh fruit instead of fruit juice.

15. Keep a food journal. It really works wonders.
Done – online (WW)

16. Follow the Chinese saying: "Eat until you are eight-tenths full."
I try to do this, but I often get hungry right away unless I make myself eat until full. But not gross full. Just full.

17. Use mustard instead of mayo.
I don’t really use either that much. I never order mayo out on sandwiches, but I use rf mayo at home sometimes.

18. Eat more soup. The noncreamy ones are filling but low-cal.
Done.

19. Cut back on or cut out caloric drinks such as soda, sweet tea, lemonade, etc. People have lost weight by making just this one change. If you have a 20-oz bottle of Coca-Cola every day, switch to Diet Coke. You should lose 25 lb in a year.
Done

20. Take your lunch to work.
Done – except for Wednesdays.

21. Sit when you eat.
I try to do this.

22. Dilute juice with water.
Ok, this tip is getting annoying. I DON’T DRINK JUICE.

23. Have mostly veggies for lunch.
I won’t be full – so I can have some veggies, but this won’t hold me. I have to have the protein.

24. Eat at home.
Done

25. Limit alcohol to weekends.
Done

How Can I Eat More Veggies?
26. Have a V8 or tomato juice instead of a Diet Coke at 3 pm.
Again, I don’t drink calories ever, so no.

27. Doctor your veggies to make them delicious: Dribble maple syrup over carrots, and sprinkle chopped nuts on green beans.
I sort of do this. I don’t like to add a lot of calories to my veggies.

28. Mix three different cans of beans and some diet Italian dressing. Eat this three-bean salad all week.
I buy this in a can, but also, beans and I are not really friends.

29. Don't forget that vegetable soup counts as a vegetable.
Done

30. Rediscover the sweet potato.
Done

31. Use prebagged baby spinach everywhere: as "lettuce" in sandwiches, heated in soups, wilted in hot pasta, and added to salads.
I do this sometimes, but it’s not my fave. It makes me feel oddly ill sometimes. I once ate it and got sick afterwards and ever since then it’s iffy for me and the fresh spinach.

32. Spend the extra few dollars to buy vegetables that are already washed and cut up.
Done

33. Really hate veggies? Relax. If you love fruits, eat plenty of them; they are just as healthy (especially colorful ones such as oranges, mangoes, and melons).
Done

34. Keep seven bags of your favorite frozen vegetables on hand. Mix any combination, microwave, and top with your favorite low-fat dressing. Enjoy 3 to 4 cups a day. Makes a great quick dinner.
Ick, but ok, I do buy frozen veggies.

Can You Give Me a Mantra that will Help Me Stick to My Diet?
35. "The best portion of high-calorie foods is the smallest one. The best portion of vegetables is the largest one. Period."
Done

36. "I'll ride the wave. My cravings will disappear after 10 minutes if I turn my attention elsewhere."
This doesn’t work for me, but I will wait out a crave, and then give myself one “real” version of it when I have the “room” in my diet. For example, I’ll have a brownie craving for three weeks and then get one at the Borders CafĂ© and eat half.

37. "I want to be around to see my grandchildren, so I can forgo a cookie now."
This confuses me, but ok.

38. "I am a work in progress."
Yeah, I don’t know about this one. I don’t want to always feel like I have something else to fix.

39. "It's more stressful to continue being fat than to stop overeating."
Ok, weird, in my opinion, but maybe that is because I am trying to lose my last ten pounds. Maybe for me it’s “This cookie isn’t going to help me with my goal”.

I Eat Healthy, but I'm Overweight. What Mistakes Could I Be Making without Realizing It?
40. Skipping meals. Many healthy eaters "diet by day and binge by night."
I don’t eat after eight.

41. Don't "graze" yourself fat. You can easily munch 600 calories of pretzels or cereal without realizing it.
I have a hard time with this but the regimented snacks help.

42. Eating pasta like crazy. A serving of pasta is 1 cup, but some people routinely eat 4 cups.
Done

43. Eating supersize bagels of 400 to 500 calories for snacks.
Done

44. Ignoring "Serving Size" on the Nutrition Facts panel.
Done

45. Snacking on bowls of nuts. Nuts are healthy but dense with calories. Put those bowls away, and use nuts as a garnish instead of a snack.
Done (I measure and count nuts)

46. Thinking all energy bars and fruit smoothies are low-cal.
Done

What Can I Eat for a Healthy Low-Cal Dinner if I Don't Want to Cook?
47. A smoothie made with fat-free milk, frozen fruit, and wheat germ.
Ick – no thanks. And again, I don’t drink calories.

48. The smallest fast-food burger (with mustard and ketchup, not mayo) and a no-cal beverage. Then at home, have an apple or baby carrots.
Yeah, I do this. Sometimes you just want a mcdonald’s hamburger.

49. A peanut butter sandwich on whole wheat bread with a glass of 1 percent milk and an apple.
Or I’ll have half a pb and j. Yum.

50. Precooked chicken strips and microwaved frozen broccoli topped with Parmesan cheese.
Ok, ick, but whatever.

51. A healthy frozen entree with a salad and a glass of 1 percent milk.
For lunch this works well. I will add veggies to a Lean Cuisine if I can.

52. Scramble eggs in a nonstick skillet. Pop some asparagus in the microwave, and add whole wheat toast. If your cholesterol levels are normal, you can have seven eggs a week!
I make egg white omelets with peppers and then low fat cheese and whole wheat toast. Yum.

53. A bag of frozen vegetables heated in the microwave, topped with 2 tablespoons of Parmesan cheese and 2 tablespoons of chopped nuts.
Again, ick

54. Prebagged salad topped with canned tuna, grape tomatoes, shredded reduced-fat cheese, and low-cal Italian dressing.
Hmm, sounds gross, but I could eat more tuna with veggies, or hummus with veggies, on pitas.

55. Keep lean sandwich fixings on hand: whole wheat bread, sliced turkey, reduced-fat cheese, tomatoes, mustard with horseradish.
We have super gross lunchmeat here, but we try. The rest of this we have, yes

56. Heat up a can of good soup.
Ok, done

57. Cereal, fruit, and fat-free milk makes a good meal anytime.
Done

58. Try a veggie sandwich from Subway.
Done, gotta get the roast beef, way more filling and lasting

59. Precut fruit for a salad and add yogurt.
Do, and also I add granola

What's Your Best Advice for Avoiding those Extra Holiday Pounds?
60. Don't tell yourself, "It's okay, it's the holidays." That opens the door to 6 weeks of splurging.
Will try this year. Last year, not so great.
But this year I have my new “don’t eat to make it better” life philosophy.

61. Remember, EAT before you meet. Have this small meal before you go to any parties: a hardboiled Egg, Apple, and a Thirst quencher (water, seltzer, diet soda, tea).
Done. And also, don’t break the seal.

62. As obvious as it sounds, don't stand near the food at parties. Make the effort, and you'll find you eat less.
Done.

63. At a buffet? Eating a little of everything guarantees high calories. Decide on three or four things, only one of which is high in calories. Save that for last so there's less chance of overeating.
I would just probably not eat. Or eat veggies and fruit only, and only one plate, and then drink a lot of water.

64. For the duration of the holidays, wear your snuggest clothes that don't allow much room for expansion. Wearing sweats is out until January.
Good idea! Will do. I try to do this all the time anyway. My clothes give me good indicators of my progress.

65. Give it away! After company leaves, give away leftover food to neighbors, doormen, or delivery people, or take it to work the next day.
Done

66. Walk around the mall three times before you start shopping.
Well, I mainly window shop anyway, and this seems like a waste of time, but maybe.

67. Make exercise a nonnegotiable priority.
Done.

68. Dance to music with your family in your home. One dietitian reported that when she asks her patients to do this, initially they just smile, but once they've done it, they say it is one of the easiest ways to involve the whole family in exercise.
Done – Gravey loves to dance to Shakira.

How Can I Control a Raging Sweet Tooth?
69. Once in a while, have a lean, mean salad for lunch or dinner, and save the meal's calories for a full dessert.
Done

70. Are you the kind of person who does better if you make up your mind to do without sweets and just not have them around? Or are you going to do better if you have a limited amount of sweets every day? One RD reported that most of her clients pick the latter and find they can avoid bingeing after a few days.
Done – no sweets period works best for me.

71. If your family thinks they need a very sweet treat every night, try to strike a balance between offering healthy choices but allowing them some "free will." Compromise with low-fat ice cream and fruit, or sometimes just fruit with a dollop of whipped cream.
Too bad for them. Erik eats chips, that’s cool with me.

72. Try 2 weeks without sweets. It's amazing how your cravings vanish.
I’ve got to get back on this wagon.

73. Eat more fruit. A person who gets enough fruit in his diet doesn't have a raging sweet tooth.
I need to eat more fruit, yes.

74. Eat your sweets, just eat them smart! Carve out about 150 calories per day for your favorite sweet. That amounts to about an ounce of chocolate, half a modest slice of cake, or 1/2 cup of regular ice cream.
If I have the calories, and a craving, I will eat a little something, yes.

75. Try these smart little sweets: sugar-free hot cocoa, frozen red grapes, fudgsicles, sugar-free gum, Nutri-Grain chocolate fudge twists, Tootsie Rolls, and hard candy.
Yeah, not a fan of this suggestion. I gotta have a tiny bit of the real stuff or nothing.

How Can I Conquer My Downfall: Bingeing at Night?
76. Eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The large majority of people who struggle with night eating are those who skip meals or don't eat balanced meals during the day. This is a major setup for overeating at night.
Done

77. Eat your evening meal in the kitchen or dining room, sitting down at the table.
Done

78. Drink cold unsweetened raspberry tea. It tastes great and keeps your mouth busy.
Water, but ok.

79. Change your nighttime schedule. It will take effort, but it will pay off. You need something that will occupy your mind and hands.
Done – but coming up on fall, we need to watch less tv. Maybe we can play more tennis?

80. If you're eating at night due to emotions, you need to focus on getting in touch with what's going on and taking care of yourself in a way that really works. Find a nonfood method of coping with your stress.Need to do. And I need a winter hobby. Crafting here I come.

81. Put a sign on the kitchen and refrigerator doors: "Closed after Dinner."
Ok, that’s just weird.

82. Brush your teeth right after dinner to remind you: No more food.
That’s a good one.

83. Eat without engaging in any other simultaneous activity. No reading, watching TV, or sitting at the computer.
I try to do this all the time, it’s hard sometimes. But most the time I follow this.

84. Eating late at night won't itself cause weight gain. It's how many calories--not when you eat them--that counts.
I don’t believe this, but ok. 8 is still my cut off.

How Can I Reap Added Health Benefits from My Dieting?
85. Fat-free isn't always your best bet. Research has found that none of the lycopene or alpha- or beta-carotene that fight cancer and heart disease is absorbed from salads with fat-free dressing. Only slightly more is absorbed with reduced-fat dressing; the most is absorbed with full-fat dressing. But remember, use your dressing in moderate amounts.
Done

86. Skipping breakfast will leave you tired and craving naughty foods by midmorning. To fill up healthfully and tastefully, try this sweet, fruity breakfast full of antioxidants. In a blender, process 1 c nonfat plain or vanilla yogurt, 1 1/3 c frozen strawberries (no added sugar), 1 peeled kiwi, and 1 peeled banana. Pulse until mixture is milkshake consistency. Makes one 2-cup serving; 348 calories and 1.5 fat grams.
Done – I always eat breakfast.

87. If you're famished by 4 p.m. and have no alternative but an office vending machine, reach for the nuts--. The same goes if your only choices are what's available in the hotel minibar.
Done

88. Next time you're feeling wiped out in late afternoon, forgo that cup of coffee and reach for a cup of yogurt instead. The combination of protein, carbohydrate, and fat in an 8-ounce serving of low-fat yogurt will give you a sense of fullness and well-being that coffee can't match, as well as some vital nutrients. If you haven't eaten in 3 to 4 hours, your blood glucose levels are probably dropping, so eating a small amount of nutrient-rich food will give your brain and your body a boost.
Done

89. Making just a few changes to your pantry shelves can get you a lot closer to your weight loss goals. Here's what to do: If you use corn and peanut oil, replace it with olive oil. Same goes for breads--go for whole wheat. Trade in those fatty cold cuts like salami and bologna and replace them canned tuna, sliced turkey breast, and lean roast beef. Change from drinking whole milk to fat-free milk or low-fat soy milk. This is hard for a lot of people so try transitioning down to 2 percent and then 1 percent before you go fat-free.
Done

90. Nothing's less appetizing than a crisper drawer full of mushy vegetables. Frozen vegetables store much better, plus they may have greater nutritional value than fresh. Food suppliers typically freeze veggies just a few hours after harvest, locking in the nutrients. Fresh veggies, on the other hand, often spend days in the back of a truck before they reach your supermarket.
Done

91. Worried about the trans-fat content in your peanut butter? Good news: In a test done on Skippy, JIF, Peter Pan, and a supermarket brand, the levels of trans fats per 2-tablespoon serving were far lower than 0.5 gram--low enough that under proposed laws, the brands can legally claim zero trans fats on the label. They also contained only 1 gram more sugar than natural brands--not a significant difference.
Done

Eating Less Isn't Enough--What Exercising Tips Will Help Me Shed Pounds?
92. Overeating is not the result of exercise. Vigorous exercise won't stimulate you to overeat. It's just the opposite. Exercise at any level helps curb your appetite immediately following the workout.
Done – and true.

93. When you're exercising, you shouldn't wait for thirst to strike before you take a drink. By the time you feel thirsty, you're already dehydrated. Try this: Drink at least 16 ounces of water, sports drinks, or juices two hours before you exercise. Then drink 8 ounces an hour before and another 4 to 8 ounces every 15 to 20 minutes during your workout. Finish with at least 16 ounces after you're done exercising.
Done

94. Tune in to an audio book while you walk. It'll keep you going longer and looking forward to the next walk--and the next chapter! Check your local library for a great selection. Look for a whodunit; you might walk so far you'll need to take a cab home!
Boring, but I do watch tv. I should look into audiobooks. Or I can download TAL.

95. Think yoga's too serene to burn calories? Think again. You can burn 250 to 350 calories during an hour-long class (that's as much as you'd burn from an hour of walking)! Plus, you'll improve muscle strength, flexibility, and endurance.
Eh. Maybe sometimes. But not enough cardio for me, personally.

96. Drinking too few can hamper your weight loss efforts. That's because dehydration can slow your metabolism by 3 percent, or about 45 fewer calories burned a day, which in a year could mean weighing 5 pounds more. The key to water isn't how much you drink, it's how frequently you drink it. Small amounts sipped often work better than 8 ounces gulped down at once.
Done

How Can I Manage My Emotional Eating and Get the Support I Need?
97. A registered dietitian (RD) can help you find healthy ways to manage your weight with food. To find one in your area who consults with private clients call (800) 366-1655.
Eh

98. The best place to drop pounds may be your own house of worship. Researchers set up healthy eating and exercise programs in 16 Baltimore churches. More than 500 women participated and after a year the most successful lost an average of 20 lb. Weight loss programs based on faith are so successful because there's a built-in community component that people can feel comfortable with.
Eh, no thanks

99. Here's another reason to keep level-headed all the time: Pennsylvania State University research has found that women less able to cope with stress--shown by blood pressure and heart rate elevations--ate twice as many fatty snacks as stress-resistant women did, even after the stress stopped (in this case, 25 minutes of periodic jackhammer-level noise and an unsolvable maze).
Done

100. Sitting at a computer may help you slim down. When researchers at Brown University School of Medicine put 92 people on online weight loss programs for a year, those who received weekly e-mail counseling shed 5 1/2 more pounds than those who got none. Counselors provided weekly feedback on diet and exercise logs, answered questions, and cheered them on. Most major online diet programs offer many of these features.
Done

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Is it neurotic...

to add something you've already done to your "To Do" list, just so you can cross it off?
Just checking.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

VooDoo

“When you wake up in the morning, Pooh,” said Piglet at last, “what’s the first thing you say to yourself?”
“What’s for breakfast?” said Pooh.
“What do you say, Piglet?”
“I say, I wonder what’s going to happen exciting today?” said Piglet.
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
“It’s the same thing,” he said.

AA Milne, Winnie the Pooh

I always thought I ate because I loved food, and because when I got bored, food was my entertainment. Duh! Doesn’t everyone love food? I knew I didn’t need to do a lot of psychological work in this area. After all, I already had this problem solved. I was a bored eater. I just needed a hobby or something to keep my hands busy so they didn’t have time to shove Doritos in my mouth. I definitely did NOT need to do a lot of work thinking about what was wrong in my head that made me eat because I had it all figured out already.

Looking back I’d tell anyone who tells me they eat because they like food or food is love or they eat when they get bored that they’re just bullshitting themselves with easy answers, because there’s a simple easy fast answer, and underneath that bullshit fake answer is the REAL answer.

My real answer came to me after I’d already done a lot of the work on the outside of me. I was well into running and not watching so much tv and not spending all my weekends on the couch. I knew how many pts were in 22 peanuts and what kind of oatmeal had the most fiber and would make me the most full. I’d given away my size 12 jeans and was wondering if my winter pants were going to fit. And I still thought of myself as a bored eater who needed distraction from eating if I had any chance of losing the last 20 pounds to make it to my goal.

But that was a lie I was telling myself so I didn’t have to change anything else. I didn’t want to get too close to the pretend world I was living in inside my head. That seemed like SO much work, to figure out what was really wrong, why I was really fat.

But one night I was watching a travel show on PBS, and they were visiting New Orleans. Somewhere I have never been but always wanted to go. The host went to the bayou and interviewed an old Creole woman about voodoo. She explained that voodoo was actually misinterpreted all the time, and it wasn’t in fact about sticking pins in a doll to try to cause someone else pain. It was, in fact, simply a way of identifying your own issues, the things that other people did that bothered YOU, because, after all, and here she paused, “YOU CAN ONLY EVER CHANGE YOUR SELF.” That moment, that sentence, that idea, pretty much changed everything in my world for me. In a split second, I realized what a complete waste of time my control freak existence had become. Why why why was I spending so much time worrying about everyone else all the time? Why not just worry about me? After all, you can only ever change yourself.

I am the ultimate control freak. I worry all the time about what people might do or say or what someone might try to make me do. It’s really who I am. I never ever thought before that this might be a fruitless endeavor. That I might be wasting my time trying to make other people do what I want. And honestly, when I began trying to change myself, that is when the real change in my life began, but it didn’t happen overnight. And this was not the end of the lesson.

When times got tough for me, I reverted back to trying to make other people do what I wanted them to do. I began to worry again about how someone else would screw everything up for me. I freaked out whenever I thought someone might try to make me do something I didn’t want to do. Sometimes I remembered my new mantra (You can only ever change yourself), sometimes I didn’t. But mostly, I did. And the more I focused on changing myself, the more I felt like I was the one in control. See what I did there? I shifted the control. I couldn’t control other people. Instead, I’d control me. As long as someone was in control, and that someone was me, I felt ok.

One night after dinner, I was talking to Mr. E about a trip that I was about to take that I knew was going to be really stressful for me. It was going to be a lot of family time. This particular group of people is a group that I don’t get a long with all the time. We’re all really bossy and we like to get our own way. And travel is really stressful for me anyway. I thought this would be a great time to try out my new way of thinking in a practical setting. I kept saying over and over to Mr. E “How can I make sure I have a good time? What can I do to make sure it’s a fun non stressful trip for me? How can I ensure that it’s a good trip for me?”

And then, something snapped.

And I realized. I didn’t have to have a good trip. It wasn’t about me. I was going on this trip because my mom and my sister wanted me there. And I might not have a good time. And that was ok. I would have a good time, some other time, during me time. Mr. E and I would have fun some other time. This particular family trip wasn’t about my good time. It was about doing something nice for someone else, so that they could have a good time. I might have to do some stuff I didn’t want to do. I might not have a good time. And that was OK.

Wow.

Something was lifted off me in that moment. I finally figured it out. I didn’t need to control my mom to make sure I had fun. I didn’t need to control my sister to make sure I had fun. I didn’t need to control me to make sure I had fun, and I didn’t need to control the food I ate that weekend to make sure I had fun. I could just not have fun.

So that’s my reason, right there. I used food as a safety net, to pull a good time out of times that weren’t so good. I craved a fancy breakfast when I was traveling because I thought I was owed a fantastic experience every time I traveled, because I didn’t have fun when I traveled and life owed me fun, dammit! I needed brownies to redeem disappointing family vacations, and I ate chocolate donuts in the car over Christmas break at my mom’s because I wanted something to make it better and I couldn’t do it myself so maybe the donuts could.

The real secret here? That weekend I was so nervous about? I ate oatmeal for breakfast and salad for dinner, and I did a bunch of stuff I didn’t want to do, and I didn’t tell anyone what to do or try to make anyone do what I wanted them to do. And I had a really really really good time.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Stoner Cat

Lately my cat Gravey has been hitting the catnip hard. Here is after one of his marathon sessions...


Tuesday, August 23, 2005

I read a lot of diet blogs. These people are all going through the same things I am, and it helps to know that we're all in the same boat, and to touch base with everyone's struggles and triumphs. I love looking at progress pictures and seeing someone shrink before my very eyes as the months go by and the pounds fade away. Following someone else's journey makes me feel less alone.

Lately in the diet blogging world I've noticed that you're not supposed to say that you wanted to lose weight so you could fit into cute new clothes. It's not as cool to be excited about wearing a pair of size four pants as it is to be able to run farther and faster or to lift more. We're all just supposed to be in for the sake of being healthy and loving ourselves and wanting a great glowing sense of fitness or something.

And while I understand and admire that sentiment, I really do, I have to admit, that even though I love the fact that I can run five miles without stopping, I would be lying if I said I didn't also care about the size 4 pants I've got hanging in my closet that actually fit me. A lot.

For me, it's like this. The other day, I tried on an outfit I wore to a fancy Christmas party years ago. When I was at my largest, I KNEW I would never wear that outfit again. It might as well have been hanging on a distant shelf marked "Not For You, Fatty" instead of in the back of my closet. The only reason I kept it because it was really expensive, and I just couldn't justify getting rid of it. And also because I think I wanted to hold on the feeling of being the girl who put on that outfit and wore the hell out of it and just felt FABULOUS. Even if I didn't have that feeling anymore, ever, maybe that Christmas dress reminded me that once, I had known what it felt like to look GOOD, and to feel great. It reminded of what it was like to really love how I looked.

And now, that same outfit is too big. And I'm not sure what to think about that fact. It makes me proud of how far I have come, but it makes me sad that I was so firmly convinced I couldn't do something, when obviously I could. I did. And it makes me feel a little disoriented, to be honest. I feel like I missed out.
The damn dress still doesn't fit, but now it's too big, and I still can't let it go.

If only I could somehow get that girl back, the one who felt beautiful, no matter what size, maybe I could let the dress go.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Redemption

When Russell Baker took over from Alistair Cooke as the host of Masterpiece Theater, my mother wrote him a letter informing him of the enormous responsibility he had now been given. She needed to let him that in her opinion, Masterpiece Theater, and her weekly Sunday night viewing of it, was no ordinary hour of television. Rather, it was a sacrosanct hour, sacred. It was, for my mother, no less than a shot at redemption. Redemption for chores not completed, homework not started until too late, errands not run, recycling overlooked, trash never taken to the curb. By Sunday night, we were sure to have failed at something, and she felt was Russell's job,nay, his duty, to make that ok. (He never wrote her back, and I don't think she ever forgave him for that).

I think fondly of those Sunday nights at my house, my mom with one eye on the tv while she polished everyone's school shoes and idly drank a glass of wine, Alistair or Russell crisply chiming in in the background, knowing I was too tired to finish my homework but not wanting to go to bed. Now, in my own house, with my own tiny family, and no shoes to polish, I have my own form of redemption, a reward for running early and far, and it's an hour of Gray's Anatomy, accompanied by a footrub, a bowl of sugar free jello, and a cup of decaf tea. If things get really crazy, I might just paint all ten of my toes in the shocking hues of OPI's Far East Fuschia. But while I do it, I'll think of my mom, and be redeemed.

5 Miles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This morning I got up at 7:30, sucked down a Power bar, and went on my five mile run. I really really really did not want to do it, and in fact I was a little nervous that I COULDN'T do it. But I did it anyway, and even though parts of it really sucked, I am so so so proud of myself. I can't help thinking about that first day I started running two years ago and how hard it was and how I was convinced that I just couldn't do it. I wasn't the sort of person who COULD run and so I'd have to just do Pilates or something.
Well, it took two years, and endless quantities of bitching, and moaning, and planning, and working, and begging runinng shoes off richer members of my family, and figuring out what to eat and when to run and where to go and two Pilates tapes later, here I am. I am a RUNNER. WOO HOO!

In other news, when I was done with my run, I came home and baked this for Mr. E:

Thursday, August 18, 2005

The Latest Addition to the Family



And my official aproximately 128 pounds picture.
13 to go!

I absolutely adore my new table. But holy crap, it's HUGE! When we bought it they asked us if we had a large family. I just laughed.

Friday, August 12, 2005

The Good, the Bad, and the Just Plain Annoying

I was all set to write this big post about how I’ve become such a better person lately through my karmic realizations about life and how I’ve let go of trying to control everyone else and blah blah blah wonderfulcakes but then this morning just GOT TO ME.

The good, followed by the bad:

G: I lost another two pounds, yeah!
B: My “new” pants are already too big, and have the worst ass gap in the back ever. I could fit a small ham in there. My thighs are totally out of proportion with my waist, so this always happens, but for some reason it annoys the shit out of me.

G: I did my three mile run last night, and it was totally doable, even though I had psyched myself out about it ahead of time way more than was necessary.

B: Because it was super late when I started, I ignored every cell phone call I got, and all the people I felt like I needed to talk to. It sucks even more because my step dad is in the hospital right now, and even though I talked to my mom about it, I should also have talked to him and my brother and my cousin and let everyone know how he was doing, but I just wasn’t up to it. I feel like I’ve been a very bad friend lately, not returning phone calls, not making an effort. I know I have to concentrate on ME for a change, because if I don’t make my running a priority, it doesn’t happen. But being selfish makes me feel really really guilty sometimes.

G: It’s FRIDAY!
B: We have NO money, and there aren’t any good movies out right now. Should be a fun weekend!

G: I am actually looking forward to my four mile run on Sunday. I definitely plan to eat some bacon afterwards.
B: It’s still hot as hell and humid here, which means I will have to get up at the ass crack on Sunday to do my four mile run, if I want to run outside, which I pretty much have to, because hi, even though Netflix says the DVD of Laguna Beach is close captioned, well, they LIED to me, people. LIED.

G: Everyone at work loved my cupcakes.
B: This caused me to let my anti social guard down and put me in a happy friendly mood, wherein I got suckered into agreeing to go to a work party. I know I am going to regret this decision.

G: My outfit is very French! At least in my mind.
B: My cute shoes are giving me terrible blisters and I have a mosquito bite on my FOREHEAD, and my skin is totally broken out. Crazy me, I always just assumed that eventually I’d stop having crappy skin, like, someday, and uh, hi, could that start NOW please? Jesus. I’m going to be the only 40 year old on earth with acne. Enough for Christ’s sake!

The just plain annoying:
What is with everyone on Ebay lately? I have had two auctions canceled in the past three days because the bidders fucked up somehow. How is that my problem? It’s a total pain in the ass for me. It just doesn’t seem like it should be that complicated. Don’t bid on something you don’t want! If you do bid on something, freaking pay for it! God.

I suspect that it is CRAZY of me to be annoyed by this, but the very loud breathing person who sits across from me at work is eating food out of her backpack, which is sitting on the floor, one tiny piece at a time, all sneaky like. Just plop your M and M’s down on your desk and eat them, for christ’s sake! Don’t fish them out of your bag one at a time, look around the room, and then stick it furtively in your mouth. No one cares WHAT you eating, for god’s sake. Unless it’s, like, 400 oxycontins or something, why are you TRYING TO HIDE YOUR FOOD? It’s driving me NUTS.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Ditching Skinny

3 entries found for skinny.
skin·ny ( P ) Pronunciation Key (skn)
adj. skin·ni·er, skin·ni·est
Very thin. See Synonyms at lean2.
Of, relating to, or resembling skin.

n. Slang
Inside information; the real facts: learned the skinny on their falling-out.

skinni·ness n.

skinny

adj : having unattractive thinness; "a child with skinny freckled legs"; "a long scrawny neck" [syn: scraggy, scrawny, underweight, weedy] n : confidential information about a topic or person; "he wanted the inside skinny on the new partner"


When I first started trying to lose weight, I told myself over and over that I didn't want to be skinny. I loved my curves, dammit! I still wanted to look like a woman when I was done losing weight, and not like a little girl. And I wanted to avoid getting back on the anorexia train to skeletonville. But the more and more weight I lost, and the closer I got to my goal, the more and more unsatisfied I became. I started to hate the curves I had been so proud of before. I started to CRAVE skinny. Maybe part of me had been afraid to begin with such a lofty goal, so when I actually did start to lose weight, when it turned out I wasn't a complete failure and I COULD do it, maybe that was when I started to let myself dream the skinny dream.

Skinny is such a loaded word. It conjures up images of perfection. To me it sounds clean, and neat, and crisp. Ironically, I can practically taste skinny in my mouth. It tastes like apples, or clean snow, or sugar free strawberry popsicles. Clean, pure, but with a tart edge. Snappy and precise. All the things that being fat means you are not.

If you let skinny get ahold of you, you can lose sight of all the other reasons you wanted to lose weight to begin with. I'm toying with the idea of banishing skinny from my vocabulary forever. If you read the definition of it from the dictionary, it doesn't sound like such a great thing to be. And the truth is, unless I stop eating all together and really go off the rails to a place I never want to be again, I'm just never going to be Nicole Richie skinny. And I shouldn't want to be. The reality is that skinny is a pipe dream for me, and dieting makes me feel like maybe that dream could be achieved. It is really really hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I'll never ever be tall and thin and blond, with those ridiculously long coltish preadolescent legs and short shorts and a swinging ponytail and perfect skin and blue eyes and a tan. That's not the body I got. I'm 5'2". That's just not my reality. But that's partially why it seems all the more wonderful to me. And it's hard to let that skinny fantasy die. It's hard to let go of the idea that if I work hard enough I could at least get CLOSE to that ideal. I know I need to learn to love myself. But sometimes I get so tired of having to love the body I got.

I think it's ok to want to be normal. But I've come far enough to know that wanting to be so skinny that my bones stick out and people comment on it isn't right, isn't normal. Some days, that doesn't stop me from wanting it. Maybe if I banish skinny from my vocabulary, I can stop thinking of it as something so desirable. I'm just sort of confused as to what to replace it with. Saying "I just want to be small" feels wrong as well. As if I'm giving into pressure to be cuter, and younger, and to take up less space in the universe. And saying "I just want to be healthy" sounds like a failure to me.

I suppose this is like anything else. You learn to love yourself, for who you are, one day at a time. So I practise. I will say it right here. I am NOT skinny. And that is ok. Even more, that might be GOOD.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Best Invention Ever

The mango pitter!
Awesome. I love mangoes but I hate trying to get that gross pit out.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

In His Honor

In the first hours after he learned that his son was dead, Paul wrote a short statement.

"I hope people forgive me for what I have to say," he began. "I just don't care anymore."

He listed who he blamed for Augie's death.

"I hold the Bush administration responsible, from the president through the secretaries of state and defense and all those who have had a hand in starting this war.

"I also hold every Democrat in Congress who voted to authorize this misadventure as accomplices."

His son, he wrote, "died doing his duty. So have some 1,800 other Americans.

"Augie did his duty at every turn, from being an emergency medical technician while still in high school, a lifeguard, a Boy Scout, an active church member, and, of course, as a Marine. For all this, we consider him a hero.

"To honor him, I no longer can sit still, just keeping quiet and being politically correct."

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

The City That Never Sleeps and Also Has $5 Pashminas For Sale on the Street

We got back from New York yesterday night. Even though it was a bitch to get home (from Newark to Lincoln took 13 hours!!!!) it was totally freaking worth it. I always forget just how cool New York is. There are so many people everywhere you go that it gives you this weird kind of freedom to just be yourself. You just don't matter that much. And no one cares that much about you no matter what you're wearing or how fat you feel.

Some highlights:





We went to Coney Island and saw the Hot Dog Eating Contest Winners Billboard.
I adore hot dogs as they are the world's most perfect and delicious food. Let me tell you there was something super cool about the larger than life hot dog eating contest billboard. Someday I hope to see the actual contest itself.




I only ate one, but it was so damn good I could almost imagine eating 50.





We rode the Cyclone and the Wonder Wheel. The Wonder Wheel scared the crap out me, but I managed to take this semi cool picture when I didn't have my eyes closed and my fingernails digging into Mr. E's leg.


We bought fake purses in Chinatown. My sister in law had the whole operation scoped so I knew what to expect when they led me around the block to some weird Chinese medical center and down in the basement they had a secret room. Even though my new fake Coach smells weird and is only kind of cute, I would have bought it anyway for the experience. I kept thinking the cops were going to burst in.

We canoed the Gowanus Canal, and the guide told me and Mr. E that we should enter paddling competitions because of what awesome paddlers we were. I did feel stronger and so much more in shape than I have in like, ever, but I also think our guide may have been insane. No one has ever complemented me on an athletic activity, like, ever.

We took a trip uptown and visited Zabar's, one of my favorite places in the world.
Notable purchases: Three different kinds of knishes, a chocolate petit four, some of the most delicious cheese ever called "English Huntsman", and a huge pile of prosciuotto that Mr. E snarfed in about ten minutes. We didn't know remember where Zabar's was, but Mr. E called my mom and she gave him spot on directions. I thought that was pretty cool, especially because in the course of giving directions she managed to get in a derogatory comment about native New Yorkers (our hosts) who didn't know where Zabar's was. Hee.

We also ate some kick ass sushi, some terrible thai food, some ok dim sum, some awesome Korean barbeque, and some delicious cheesecake.

I also got the worst hangover ever. On the plus side, all that barfing is probably the only thing that kept me from gaining forty pounds over the last five days.

Suck it string cheese

I am completely sick of all the crap I have been eating lately. I told Mr. E that if I saw another piece of beef jerky or a Nutrigrain bar or a piece of cheese I might barf. Yesterday at the airport it seemed like every person on earth got to eat fries and mcdonald's and sugary coke and sandwiches and brownies and every other delicious but horrible treat out there. So now I'm trying to shake up my food routine, save money (because we are poor from buying fake purses in New York) and cook stuff that is healthy and that Mr. E likes. And that is filling. And that uses lots of fresh veggies and tastes exciting and if you fail to plan blah blah blah.
Here is my menu for the week. These are just dinners because I am too lazy to type the rest of it out. Mr. E, don't say I never did anything for you.

Enchilada chicken, cheddar stuffed anaheim peppers, tortillas
Steak, sweet potato fries, green beans
Chicken fingers breaded in wheat germ, marinara sauce, whole wheat pasta, veggie 2
Chicken gumbo and rice
Brocolli and garlic stuffed shells, salad
Asian Night: grilled veggie potstickers, sesame ginger chicken salad
Pork tenderloin, twice baked potatoes, spinach
turkey burgers or chili, salad, mango salsa

Yum. Now I'm getting hungry.

It's right around the corner...

It is two months and three days until my birthday.
That means

1. I have two months and three days to lose 11-15 pounds, which means I better start hauling some serious ass, and
2. It’s time to start making a birthday list! All year long I think of stuff I really want and then I can never remember it when it’s birthday time. So this year I’m starting early.


Elizabeth’s Favorite Things or A List of What I Really Want for My Birthday:

1. a pair of Frye campus boots
2. a really good sports bra
3. a running watch
4. new running shoes
5. amazon.com gift certificates or books
6. a messenger bag

I think that’s it. I think I’ll ask Mr. E for the running watch and my mom for the boots. No one else really buys me birthday presents :(

Monday, July 25, 2005

Favorite Books List

I've been reading a lot of stuff lately in the blog world about favorite books, etc, and I realized that I needed one spot where I could write down all my faves and my recommendations because I have the world's worst memory and I can never remember all of them. Even still this won't be a very complete list but here's what I've come up with so far:
(Disclaimer: a lot of these are "kids books", since those are and always will be some of favorite books of all time)

Jane Eyre
The Saturdays, Elizabeth Enright
The Shoes Books
Careless Love, The Unmaking of Elvis Presley
Children of the River
First they Killed My Father
Angus, Thongs, and Full Front Snogging
Nickel and Dimed
A Tale of Time City
Dangerous Angels, Francesca Lia Block
Speak
Hard Love
Skipped Parts, Social Blunders, Sorrow Floats, all by Tim Sandlin
Catcher in the Rye
The Great Gatsby
Sloppy Firsts
Second Helpings
Anne of Green Gables, etc.
Little House Books
Betsy Tacy and Tib Books
Cheaper by the Dozen
There Are No Children Here
The Only Alien on the Planet
any book by Sarah Dessen
Walk Two Moons
Charlotte's Web
Stuart Little
The Trumpet of the Swan
Caddie Woodlawn
The Sun Also Rises
Little Women
Gone With the Wind
Brideshead Revisited
Goodbye Columbus
A Tree Grows In Brooklyn
The Bell Jar
All of A Kind Family

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Fashionista Freak Out

Life requires special outfits, in my opinion. It just does. Sure, you could play tennis in old Michigan basketball shorts and a tank top you bought in the little girls section at Old Navy three years ago, but it's just not gonna be the same as striding onto the court wearing a sassy navy and white tennis dress that shows off your perfect tan AND that can hold balls in the built in underwear. You gotta get the tennis dress, or the new strapless dress for your best friends wedding, or that hot brown bikini you've been wanting for three months that goes on sale right before you go to mexico. You just can't wear your old speedo on vacation!

And most of the time I pretend I'm not American Eagle's bitch and I just wear what I like. Although I find myself with weird clothing cravings that must be implanted into my brain at night by aliens, or Teen People or Jessica Simpson's dad or something. This spring I just had to have a gauzy green skirt. Three days later everyone else had one too. Weird. My most sincere hope is that somehow most of the time I have a style that is uniquely me and which doesn't just yell out "messy"! I once knew this girl that I hated for a long time and then she told me that I always had cute clothes and in my mind right at that moment I forgave for every wrong, ever, right there on the spot. The point is that overally I'm usually pretty happy with what I've cobbled together from the sale rack at the Gap and Ebay or whatever.

But then we went camping with Mr. E's sisters a few weeks ago and I realized I just don't own anywhere NEAR enough tank tops and my jeans are totally uncool and why don't I have Jessica Simpson headscarves and huge sunglasses and a tan the color of toasted almonds? I felt an overwhelming desire to buy yoga sweatpants and fleece jackets. My fashions were inadequate.

Next week we're going to New York City, the fashion Big Time, and I am only too aware that my closet is not up to the task. It's made worse by the fact that Mr. E's super cool freakishly trendy and up to the minute girl friends will be there. I am sure that one of them will be wearing a t shirt with a robot barfing on a dog or something with some jeans made of barbed wire or god knows what. Although she is the girl who tried to get me to read David Sedaris ten years after everyone else had discovered him, and I also take some satisfaction in knowing that at our wedding Mr. E made her wear what all the other bridesmaids were wearing even though she didn't want too because she was just TOO skinny to wear that and the best part is that by the way he also called her a sweater monkey. Awesome.

The point is that I have compiled a list.

What Every Reasonable Person Can Expect to Bring on A Trip to New York City in order to not look like a lamer Tourist from Nebraska or Other Midwestern States:

-one pair of cool black pants (don't have, am afraid may be hopeless, will hope for Target miracle)
-hot new jeans (don't have and won't be buying till reach goal weight as reward/threat to prevent getting fat again, will have to make do with sub par stretch American Eagle jeans).
-slutty yet classy black shirt (don't have, will obtain, thank you Anthropologie sale)
-one black cami with bra in it (don't have, will atttempt to obtain, curses to all stores who only carried this one item when I was fat and couldn't wear it and now are all "huh? What is this cami with bra you speak of?")
-one black tight ribbed tank top (don't have, will obtain)

it's not looking good on the jeans or pants front but will hope for Miracle of the Black Pants. Is too late to hope for Miracle of $25 Ebay Citizens of Humanity Jeans.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Bye bye Fat Girl

I am 11 pounds from my goal weight.
It has taken me forever to get here. And it has been incredibly hard work. It has been confusing and stressful and depressing and demeaning. I screamed and cried and raged, all about how it was too hard and no one could expect me to do this and it wasn't working.
But I sucked it up, and I worked harder. Harder than I ever thought I could. Harder than I thought I should have had to. I worked when I thought it wasn't fair, and I couldn't do it.

And it was all worth it.

Because somewhere back there in my past is a girl who couldn't run for a even minute, who felt embarrassed by the size of her ass and the number on a tag at Old Navy, a girl who felt overly full and sick after every meal she ate, who would try to change the subject every time someone talked about size or diets, who thought eating a whole box of reduced fat triscuits was healthy, who ate dinner every night in front of the tv and who didn't have time for exercise, a girl who though that the people at J Crew were just bitches who didn't make clothes in her size. And you know what?

I don't miss that girl.

I hope she never comes back.

Right now I'm running away from her as fast as I can.

Sometime soon I'm gonna have to stop running and get to know the new me, Not Fat Girl. We're gonna be together for a long time. I think I'm gonna like her better. I'm working on loving her, but we're not there yet.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Big Love

Two years ago today Mr. E and I were getting married. Right now! How crazy that was.
It seems like it's been forever and at the same time it seems like barely any time has gone by. I still remember how happy I was on that day and yet I'm even happier today. I might not like living in Nebraska but I can honestly say that to be with my soulmate it's all worth it.

I've always agreed that it's pointless to talk about love. If you are really in love it's so profound you can't describe it worth a damn anyway. But to Mr. E I would like to say:
I love you more than I ever thought possible. More than the French Maid loves Batman, more than Samantha loves Jake Ryan, more than Jaws loves to eat people, more than Ben loves Matt, more than Romy loves Michelle. Maybe even more than...gasp...Tom Cruise loves Katie Holmes.
Now that's some big love.

Happy Anniversary Petsy.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Vacay

We just got back from Fourth of July weekend and I felt really pissed off to be at work. I just wasn't in the mood. Of course I think I am about to have my moon time so that could be the reason everyone was irritating the shit out of me, but whatever, this weekend was NOT relaxing. During the last 20 minutes of the day one of my co workers had a loud and annoying phone conversation in which she stated "Karl Rove is a genius" at least four times. Yeah, a genius or SATAN, I can't decide either.

The point is that Mr. E both decided "oh fuck it" and in a rare mood of spontaneity not often seen in our household other than in the sale shoe area in Target, we are going on a vacation this week! Woo hoo! We cashed in our chips (metaphorically, in actuallity they were our vouchers on NW that we got for giving up our seats) and we will be joining Mr. E and his family on a camping trip in the wild blue wonder. Woo hoo! I could not be more excited. I hope that doesn't mean I will be disappointed.

In other news, that means I only have two days to pack and also to lose five pounds. Maybe if I could actually do number two every once in a while that would help. Note to intestines "POO!". Thank you.

Boringly enough, I will now make a list of things I should remember on my camping trip, otherwise known as Operation Delicate Balance, Or How Not to Get Fat OR Crabby on Family Camping trips:

-Running stuff including IPOD, headphones, shoes, washcloths, socks, shorts, sports bra, and tank top.
-Instant oatmeal
-Coffee and travel french press?
-some kind of oatmeal or pria bars
-gum
-peanut m and m's
-fruit
-beef jerkey?
-cheerios or some other snack like that
-cheese sticks

I should be fine. I just need to remember that I live and die by my morning and afternoon snack.