Tuesday, November 29, 2005


I'm not gonna wait for the new year to list out my goals. Here they are:
1. Lose ten or fifteen pounds, depending on what the scale says on Friday.
2. Decide that maybe I don't need to lose ten or fifteen pounds, and learn how to love my body right now.
3. Figure out a good middle ground between 1 and 2.
4. Run a half marathon
5. Run a half marathon in under two hours.
6. Learn to drive
7. Cook - craft - write - blog. Which means, specifically:
decorate my house, upholster my old chairs I have sitting around, take pictures, frame pictures or post them on my blog, cook and write about it, create art, and work on maybe maybe writing a book. In short, I used to spend a lot of time just listening to music and making stuff, and I miss it. So I want to do that again.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Shit and Unfair (Warning: Am ungrateful, whiny brat)

It is shit and unfair that I have to pay 14.95 a month out of my own pocket for Weight Watchers online when by losing 60 pounds I have saved my insurance company and the tax payers of American thousands upon thousands of dollars down the road.

It is shit and unfair that no matter how much weight I lose my boobs still require a $40 sports bra, when I simply haven’t got $40 to spend on a sports bra. I simply don’t have it people.

It is also shit and unfair that this running thing has required the purchase of a new watch and $80 shoes every six months and gloves and pants and various other crap because it’s freaking $20 degrees here people and I ran in old Michigan basketball shorts and an Old Navy t shirt as long as I could but they don’t cut when it’s so cold out that I can barely breathe.

It is shit and unfair that it will get so cold and snowy that I will have to do the majority of my first half marathon training inside, on a treadmill.

It is shit and unfair that when you lose weight, enough weight, eventually that too becomes stressful and awful because it’s winter and you just can’t afford to go spend $500 on pants at Banana Republic but meanwhile you own two pairs of pants that fit you and you work somewhere with a dress code.

It is shit and unfair that on a seven hour drive home for the holidays there won’t be one place to eat where the food isn’t vile McDonald’s poison and so you will spend seven hours eating warm old tasting cheese sandwiches cursing the genes that made you fat while your husband eats four cheeseburgers and an order of McNuggets and never gains a pound.

It is shit and unfair that I got handed a genetic makeup which causes me to lie on the couch in a stupor of pain and drugs once a month, when I should be running. I want to run, people! I got my period the first time when I was twelve, on Thanksgiving. So, by my calculations, I’ve experienced chronic debilitating pain at least once a month, for the past 17 years. 204 times. It’s always sucked, but now that it prevents me from running and throws me off my schedule, it really sucks.

And lastly, let me add, that it is shit and unfair that I live here, in Nebraska, where we have no money, and it’s freezing cold, and peppers cost $4 dollars a pound. One pepper can cost you two dollars, people. It’s fucking ridiculously expensive to eat healthy here. When people say that it’s hard to eat right in today’s society, believe them. It’s incredibly hard. It’s harder and shittier and more unfair on this end (the skinnier side) than it was on the fat end, because now I know the difference and I can’t go back.

Someday I would like to live in a world where I can run on a treadmill at work, where my insurance pays for weight watchers, where I can buy cheap produce on the corner, and where I can afford to buy my own damn $40 sports bras. And maybe that’s really the lesson I should be learning here. My goals are no longer to live in a world where I can eat all the cheeseburgers I want and not be fat. My goal is no longer to be tall and blonde and skinny. Those goals are NOT achievable. That body? I’ll never have. But maybe, maybe, someday, I won’t live in Nebraska, peppers won’t cost $4 a pound, and I’ll cross the finish of a half marathon, $40 sports bra and all.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

On Your Marks...

Yesterday was my first day of half marathon training! I'm excited - I love having a goal to work towards.
Today it's snowing. Also exciting. I LOVE the first snow of the year.

Friday, November 11, 2005

From New York Times...

While reading this lengthy article today (part of it is below) I recognized myself in the description of the blood sugar crash. It happened to me the other day. I wish I had spent more time thinking about what I had eaten prior to the crashing. I guess it's time to start. Although for the most part, I do think I eat very much like the diet described here (towards the bottom). I do count calories, but I also eat lots of protein, lots of veggies, don't worry much about fat, and I choose carbs last. And when I do I try to choose whole grains.

In my opinion this is the only way to eat, but I only achieved it through trial and error. Essentially it ended up being the only way I could eat my allotted calories AND get full.

Don't get me wrong, I do eat junk too. But my point is that I no longer believe a bagel is better for me than peanut butter. In fact, I do remember that I ate a tablespoon of peanut butter afterwards and felt better right away.

Note to self: Listen up! This is you!

David Ludwig, the Harvard endocrinologist, says that it's the direct effect of insulin on blood sugar that does the trick. He notes that when diabetics get too much insulin, their blood sugar drops and they get ravenously hungry. They gain weight because they eat more, and the insulin promotes fat deposition. The same happens with lab animals. This, he says, is effectively what happens when we eat carbohydrates -- in particular sugar and starches like potatoes and rice, or anything made from flour, like a slice of white bread. These are known in the jargon as high-glycemic-index carbohydrates, which means they are absorbed quickly into the blood. As a result, they cause a spike of blood sugar and a surge of insulin within minutes. The resulting rush of insulin stores the blood sugar away and a few hours later, your blood sugar is lower than it was before you ate. As Ludwig explains, your body effectively thinks it has run out of fuel, but the insulin is still high enough to prevent you from burning your own fat. The result is hunger and a craving for more carbohydrates. It's another vicious circle, and another situation ripe for obesity.
The gist of the glycemic-index idea is that the longer it takes the carbohydrates to be digested, the lesser the impact on blood sugar and insulin and the healthier the food. Those foods with the highest rating on the glycemic index are some simple sugars, starches and anything made from flour. Green vegetables, beans and whole grains cause a much slower rise in blood sugar because they have fiber, a nondigestible carbohydrate, which slows down digestion and lowers the glycemic index. Protein and fat serve the same purpose, which implies that eating fat can be beneficial, a notion that is still unacceptable.

At Ludwig's pediatric obesity clinic, he has been prescribing low-glycemic-index diets to children and adolescents for five years now. He does not recommend the Atkins diet because he says he believes such a very low carbohydrate approach is unnecessarily restrictive; instead, he tells his patients to effectively replace refined carbohydrates and starches with vegetables, legumes and fruit. This makes a low-glycemic-index diet consistent with dietary common sense, albeit in a higher-fat kind of way. His clinic now has a nine-month waiting list.

From Mr. E. It made me giggle. Hee.

1. What time did you get up this morning?

2. Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds, duh.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?

4. What is your favorite TV show?
The Redshoe Diaries, on Skinemax.

5. What did you have for breakfast?
Kisses from my schnound.

6. What is your middle name?
"long-dong of the law"

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Japanese? Maybe...

8. What foods do you dislike?
Anything in the gourd family, along with selected tubers.

9. Your favorite Potato chip?
Beef Jerkey Chips. Technically, not a potato, but still a chip.

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
Either Beulah: The coast is never clear, or The New Pornographers: Twin Cinema

11. What kind of car do you drive?
A 98 jetta.

12. Favorite sandwich?
knuckle. No, just kidding ha ha I'm funny! a provalone and tomato on rye.

13. What elements in people do you despise?
Lithium, barium, and especially zinc.

14. Favorite item of clothing?
My T-shirt that says "Accordian players squeeze better." And no, I'm not making that up.

15. Where in the world on vacation would you go?
Iceland, Alaska, New Zealand, Australia, and of course, Funkytown.

16. What color is your bathroom?
The off-white of your typical rental house.

17. Favorite brand of clothing?
International Male.

18. Where would you want to retire to?
I dunno... but I plan on retiring to the bathroom for quite a while this evening.

19. Favorite time of day?
The Gloaming. That's "Twilight" for all you ignorami out there.

20. Where were you born?
Escanaba, in the moonlight. Yes, really.

21. Favorite sport to watch?
Hardcore pornography. It is too a sport!!! No, just kidding. How about curling?

22. Who do you least expect to send this back?
all of the above

23. Person you expect to send it back first?
No one?

24. What laundry detergent do you use?
I don't remember such inanities. It's generic, hypoallergenic, dye and perfume free (gotta save the lil' swimmers, you know -- too much estrogenators are bad for the reproductive system).

25. Coke or Pepsi?
Fresca! No, pepsi.

26. Are you a morning person or night owl?
Night owl.

27. What size shoe do you wear?
It depends. New balance = 13. Reebok = 14. Nike = 15 or higher. And, no, I'm not making that up.

28. Do you own any pets?
Annabelle, my dog. She's a schnound (Schnauzer-hound) and Gravey the cat. And, of course, my trouser snake.

29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone?
No. I live in NE. Nothing's exciting here... except for... no, nothing. sorry.

30. What did you want to be when you were little?
Someone who looks at rocks or studies animals.

31. Favorite Candy Bar?
Nut logs.

32. What is your best childhood memory?
One time, my parents spent the whole day with just me. We went out to dinner, they bought me a toy at the toy store, and then when we came home they read me a story before tucking me into bed, where I dreampt of a future full of possibilities and promise.

That, or the time I got my picture taken with Spiderman at the mall.

33. What are the different jobs you have had in your life?
Janitor, park ranger, research assistant, graduate teaching assistant, research scientist, and "Elizabeth's man-bitch."

34. What colour underwear are you wearing?
Wearing underwear???

35. Nicknames:
Chief, Boss.

36. Piercing?

37. Eye colour?

38. Ever been to Africa?
No. But I've touched the rains...

39. Ever been toilet papering?

40. Love someone so much it made you cry?
God, I hate this question. What does it even mean. ANd it's always on these things. Let's just answer sure. Usually, when I got the restraining order mandating a minimum 1-mile separation between me and my love.

41. Been in a car accident?
Several, but never when I was driving.

42. Croutons or bacon bits?

43. Favourite day of the week?
Sunday, cuz that's my fun day. Not another have to run day.

44. Favourite restaurant?
Piezanos pizza.

45. Favourite flower?
The trillium.

46. Favorite ice cream?
Breyers strawberry

47. Disney or Warner Brothers?
WB -- for having such an awesome Tuesday thru Thursday line up of Gilmore Girls, Everwood, and one other show.

48. Favorite fast food restaurant?
McDonalds. "Now with less semen!"

49. What color is your bedroom carpet?
Schnound puke.

50. How many times did you fail your driver's test?

51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail?
Mr. Ugambe Smith, Former assistant to the president of the Peoples republic of the Congo, offering me a chance to help him launder 26 million dollars.

52. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
The Apple Store

53. What do you do most often when you are bored?

54. Bedtime?
When my wife tells me it's time.

55. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire?

56. Last person you went to dinner with?
Well, two of Elizabeth's co workers. It was traumatic on numerous levels.

58. What are you listening to right now?
Head like a hole, by NIN

59. What is your favorite colour?

60. Lake, ocean or river?
Lake. Duh.

61. How many tattoos do you have?

62. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Egg, because if you wanna get scientific, dinosaurs laid eggs long before any chickens came into existence. <-- yes, but then, it's parents had to have had sex, so, one of them "came" first. Usually the guy...

63. How many people are you sending this Email to?

64. Time you finished this email?
11:48 am

Is it wrong...

that the Christmas stuff at Starbucks makes me so darn happy? Something about those red cups makes me want to do a little dance. And I don't even LIKE Christmas.

In my book...

if you drink flavored coffee and describe yourself to others as a "coffee snob", what you ACTUALLY are is an asshole. If you do it while eating an overripe banana, you're a double asshole. And also, shut up.
Thank you.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005


The other day Mr. E and I were walking into the mall because I had become obsessed with this corduroy jacket I had tried on at American Eagle and so after thinking about how cute it was and how much it would make me look like a Harvard undergrad I had to back and buy it and as we were walking in I caught sight of myself in the window of a restaurant. And in that instance of seeing and recognizing the me that I am now I was overcome with this feeling that I think has been creeping up on me for some time. Instead of being proud of myself for losing 60 pounds, I'm mad at myself for letting my weight get so out of hand that I had to expend such an enormous effort, such an enormous amount of energy, simply to get myself back to "normal", back to a reasonable center. In some sense my achievement is only admirable if you know what I weighed before. I've worked SO SO SO hard, and my reward is to be REGULAR.
Sometimes I wonder what I could have accomplished if only I hadn't had sixty pounds to lose. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be proud of correcting something that I fucked up so totally and completely in the first place. And sometimes I feel like I'm going to wake up one morning and be fat all over again - as if all of this has been a dream. I feel totally insecure in my size 4'ness.
I know time will heal a lot of this. But the me now needs to think harder about if I want to be proud of losing sixty pounds because I want people to give me accolades and tell me I'm skinny, or I want to be proud of the fact that I can run seven miles and I have leg muscles now and I eat healthy and I'm not ashamed of what I look like anymore.

Motivational Quotes

Sometimes this is the only thing that gets me through that shitty second mile on my way to finishing seven:

It's always too early to quit.

AND one I coined myself:

It's not easy. But it is POSSIBLE.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Let me tell you a secret

This is really hard for me to admit, for some weird reason. I think because it makes me sound crazy and out of control, and because it pisses me off that I do it, and so I hate admitting it. It scares me that my brain is doing this crazy off kilter thing and it feels so...awful.

But here it is. I think about food ALL THE TIME. ALL THE TIME. All day long, hundreds upon hundreds upon millions of times a day. It never goes away. It never stops. It's scary, actually.

The voice in my head is a panicky loop of food I can't eat but can't stop thinking about.

dove chocolate, mini donuts, pumpkin spice lattes, cheese and crackers, movie popcorn, cinammon oatmeal, caramel apples, funnel cakes, oatmeal raisin cookies, pumpkin pie, brownies, bagels, ranch dressing, hamburgers, french fries, bacon, ribs, daiquiris, pumpkin seeds, ham, lemon cake, nachos, chocolate chips, granola bars.

It never ends. It's like the sound track to my life.

And it's really really really hard to think about food all the time and at the same time to never be able to eat any of it.

Sometimes it gets to you.


I haven't taken a pic yet but this morning the scale said 122. The thing that scares me is that it seems so arbitrary. In my mind I didn't eat any better for the past three weeks than I did for the past three months. I mean, there was even a Little Debbie incident. My running has been great, but the past two weeks have consisted of nothing but trying to do my best, without counting points, because of my mom's wedding and Mr. E's grandma's funeral and the 50 hours we were in the car because of the two. What I'd like to do is to try to remember what I did that led to this - so it doesn't seem like something arbitrary that just happens, but rather something I can control. I want to know that my actions led to that three pound loss, so I don't start thinking I can slack off again. So here's what I've been doing, and what I need to remember to do:

1. I've done great with my running.
2. I need to start more cross training and strength training.
3. I need to count all my points, all the way through dinner.
4. I've been eating a lot more fruits and vegetables for snacks and a lot less carbs.
5. We went grocery shopping and I stuck to my resolution not to buy crap.
6. I didn't buy any crap at Walgreens either.
7. I've been chewing tons of gum.
8. And I'm going to try to leave Starbucks for special movie treats. Damn that pumpkin spice latte.
9. We're going to try walking to the store instead of driving as much as possible.
10. No booze - pretty much. I did have some JD at Mr. E's parents but I consider that medicinal.
11. I need to drink more water.
12. And I need to focus on including even more veggies with dinner.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

In other News...

I ran a 10K. (The Frank Lloyd Wright Races, in Chicago). My time sucked and the race was really crappily organized, but I finished, and I ran the whole way. It was not a great run, but I'm happy I did it.

Finally Legal

My mom and step dad got married two weekends ago.
Some of my favorite pics:
Ok, blogger sucks and won't upload pics.
I'll try later.