Saturday, December 25, 2004

Retail Therapy

Well, Northwest Airlines lost our luggage, and all of our Christmas presents, and judging by the efforts of the rinky dink airport, we won't be seeing it for quite some time. And the Thomas Pink shirt I was hoping for never materialized under the tree. I got to hear all about one of Erik's relatives pagan religions, and let me just say that it's not her freakish religious ideas that made me hate her, it was her making fun of one of the sacred two hours of television history, known as the Dawson's/Felicity 2 hours of wonderfullness that is remembered in our house as a special time the likes of which has never been seen again.
I am attempting to make myself feel better by ordering shoes and Banana Republic shirts online. So far it's working! Yeah!
In other news, I started adding up what the airlines would have to reimburse me, if they never find my luggage, and in makeup alone they would owe me $375 dollars. Jesus, that is terrible. Time to do some more shopping.
Merry Christmas to all.

Thursday, December 23, 2004


Time until work ends for the year, YEAH!: 30 minutes
Days until Christmas bullshit is over for another 9 months: 2
Hours until Northwest Airlines forces me to self medicate with a steady supply of Vodka: 5
Hours until Mr. E's mom asks when we're having a baby: 7
Days until I am sitting on the beach pretending I live in California and will never have to leave: 6

I've got my eyes on the prize. It's so close!

Monday, December 20, 2004

God's got a sick sense of humor

I once had a roommate in college who was so obsessed with Depeche Mode that she stole Dave Gahan's mail. And she went back home to LA every time he had to go to court for shit, like getting caught doing speed balls in the bathroom of the Viper Room or whatever else cliched rocker shit he did.

This was the same roommate that said "I wear black on the outside when I feel black on the inside" and when the episode of Party of Five came on where they gave Bailey an intervention for being a boozehound, she went and sat outside in the dark listening to Depeche Mode for like, five hours. Her ex boyfriend had some issues, apparently. We all laughed at her, because we were bitches.

Sister, Sisters

Last night Mr. E finally got home from his epic trip to San Francisco. It was nice to have him back. We were sitting around doing nothing, as we are wont to do, when he divulged the shocking fact that he had never seen White Christmas before. How he has lived all these years without seeing THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIE EVER I am not sure, but I rectified that fact last night. Damn, I love that movie. When Bing Crosby and his partner who's name I can't remember do the Sisters dance with the blue feathered fans and the little sparkly stars on their forehead I started grinning maniacally and I felt happier than I have in months. I think I love that movie only slightly less than my mom does (who got her netflix copy on the SAME DAY I got mine) and my sister, who used to reenact the sisters dance with me. It made me miss them, in a sad but good way. I also love that it takes place in Vermont, at least in theory, because it reminds me of my grandmother, the number one Vermont lover of all time. Seriously, she once brought a Vermont puzzle to Christmas at our house. Shots out to Andrew for helping her put it together! It's cool how watching one movie can make me think of three generations of women in my family, all at the same time.

In other news, I am almost done with my Christmas shopping, which has stretched on beyond the bounds of all reasonableness, considering I got started in October! Whew! Here's my Christmas list, which I am posting here to reassure myself that I did indeed get enough presents for everyone, and that I need to quit FREAKING out about it. God.

Mom - penguin whisk broom for her whisk broom collection, I can't believe I even just typed that, socks from Mr. E (annual Xmas tradition), orange pashmina finally arrived today from Hong Kong and nessitated much too much post office line waiting to retrieve, star candlesticks (annual traditional holiday gift #2), excellent book I have been telling her about, she has been asking me about, and then forgetting about until she asks me about it again, about living in Nebraska, called The Quality of Life Report. I hope it makes her realize how much it sucks here so she can shut up about how I should shut up about living in Nebraska. And a dirty apron from Italy, which is a total regift.

Peter - metroplane graters, which are so awesome anyone would love them, a matching dirty apron, and a book about baseball.

Whitney - ungrateful non present giving shit, is getting William Shatner's new CD, and the DVD of "spock's brain" . He was getting vintage cuff links until he pissed me off, and anyway they haven't come yet, so even if I wanted to give them to him I couldn't.

My cousin Jessica - secret present as she may be reading this.

I got Mr. E's sister in the name drawing this year - she's getting a Coach mini skinny, color black, which I think would be very useful for the many many bars she goes to, as she just turned 21, and she's also getting a purse I made her, very nice I must say, and a framed pic that I am giving all the girls and Mr. E's mom, of the four of us ladies.

Mr E.'s sister in law is the other person we got in the name thing, and even though Mr. E got her name, he didn't do anything to help acquire this gift. I'm just saying. Anyway, she's getting a purse I made, which I am nervous about as I am not sure I get her taste, but I thought it was cute and the colors all matched, and an Ann Taylor leather jewelry box, and the picture, framed. I am bitter about her because there was an awesome cashmere wrap on sale at Ann Taylor in HER color, on sale for CHEAP, did I mention it was on sale? I was eyeing it as perfect for her, but didn't buy it in case we didn't draw her name, and of course it sold out the day before we drew her name. next time I will insist on buying such items, and then I will not draw the persons name, and i will have a nice cashmere wrap for myself.

Other cousin - banana republic purse

Other cousin who no one could figure out what to get - my idiot brother ordered her a remote controlled blimp. I had nothing to do with it. Note that it was $70 dollars and I didn't even care because it meant I would not have to go out and figure out what to buy her. It was also pretty awesome when I got an email from her mom asking if I knew anything about a remote controlled flying balloon her daughter had gotten in the mail.

My lovely sistah - Romance perfume (romance as a vague idea of all that is beauteous and wonderful in the world is one of her her all time favorite concepts. She once described her favorite car "a red toyota pickup" as "vewy womantic". And the first three books in the Unfortunate Events series. As it is just now a movie, she will almost certainly read the books.

Friends S & M - white fiesta ware pitcher which S has wanted for a long time as it reminds her of my mom, whom she regards as the ultimate authority in almost everything, apparently, including white pitchers, and a little self esteem kit I made for S, including some compliment stones, the idea of which I ripped off from the Red Envelope catalog and which I have not made yet, a tampon case, for discreetly taking tampons from ones purse into the office bathroom, and which is boy knowing what you are doing proof, according to mr e, and a string bikini top, as her list of "101 in 1001" includes lying on the beach in a string bikini. All in little bags or cases made by me, I should get some pics.

Mr. E's parents - we all chipped in to get his dad netflix for a year and to get his mom the Tiffany's eternal circle that all the girls have.

Mr. E - this was difficult. Because we have no money and because we were going to get mini IPOD's for each other, so I hadn't done any work on his presents, and because his bday is four days later so I have to get him bday AND xmas presents. Remind me NOT to have my own kids be born in the last two weeks of December! Then we decided that we could not afford to shell out $500 for mini IPOD's, and I also heard that the free IPOD thing, while a pain in the ass for which you need to know five people, is supposedly not a scam, so I might try to do that later this year. Anyway, the point is that now I am stressed out about his gifts, and think that this might not be enough stuff, but as I feel that way about everyone, I am sure to be found running around buying shitloads of crap no one wants at the mall every night this week. Regardless, Mr. E is getting the Nirvana box set, some random CD I found that I think he'll like, a black leather kenneth cole messenger bag so he doesn't have to bring his scrappy nylon one from the GAP to any interviews, and a stainless steel fossil watch which I love as I find them HOT on guys but which he may very well hate, and a navy blue wool sweater from J Crew, although now that i think about it I have never gotten any kind of confirmation from them and i don't recall being charged for it, so I'm not so sure about that one.

I also plan to engineer a necklace, a scarf, and some undies being purchased for me tonight at the mall, so I thought it was only fair to include those on the list of presents.


Saturday, December 18, 2004

Yes, I am Pheobe Cates in this scenario.

Every year we try to get together, somewhere on the globe, with all of our old friends for New Year's. As awesome as it is to see everyone, nothing is more of a pain in the ass than trying to get a shitload of people to agree on doing one thing, even for just one night. This year it seems like more than ever everyone has their own agenda. We're meeting up in San Francisco, and people want to go to Alcatraz and Muir Woods and crappy ass Sausalito. To which I say "meeehhhh, not so much, thank you." It's just like in that movie "Shag". One girl wants to marry a rich senator, and one girl wants to win the Shag contest, and one girl will do anything in her power to get away from home and make it in Hollywood. Then there's the girl who just wants to stay home, and hang out with her friends, and make out with a cute boy on someone else's yacht. That's me, this New Year's. My whole agenda can be summed up in these final words I leave you, from, of course, "Shag the Movie":

"This was our last weekend together, and we didn't feel like going to Fort Sumter and touring goddamn colonial homes! We wanted to go to the beach! And meet boys! And go to wild parties! And dance!"

There's something so satisfying about any quote that ends in "And dance!" I hope that if I gaze misty eyed over my right shoulder and dramatically utter "And Dance!" enough times, we will indeed end up dancing on New Year's, instead of sitting around the Playstation swilling Alize.

Friday, December 17, 2004

Got the stupid Christmas cards out, so now it's time to stress about my New Year's Outfit!

I am so specific when it comes to clothes, I always have these preconceived notions in my head of what to wear, and I can never find anything that matches my vision. Until a year later, when it's all over the place. I should totally be a fashion designer.
Anyway, I either want to wear some winter white tuxedo pants, like these:

with a gold sequined spaghetti strap tank, which used to be on the J Crew website but has apparently sold out even though it was $200 dollars for a tank top for christ's sake,

with some gold shoes? Maybe? Or maybe boots. I have throw the boots in there, because I need an excuse to go shopping for some new boots.

Or I want to wear a sassy spaghetti strap flowy dress, like this...
but not black, pink, and red dotted please.

Where will I find these imaginary clothes? On sale to fit my imaginary budget? In San Francisco, hopefully, as the backup options I will be packing with me just in case are looking bleak.
All I know is that I don't want to spend this New Year's looking NICE, in a safe little black strapless something or other from Bland Taylor. This year I want to look HOT.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

And in its assembled state...I am a bit concerned I look freakishly like Laci Peterson. It's kind of weirding me out.  Posted by Hello

The Christmas card, finally!  Posted by Hello

Christmas Blah

I think Christmas is starting to get to me. My to do list never gets any shorter. And every year I think this will be the year that I start shopping in October and finish before Thanksgiving, and it never happens. This year I gave myself permission to NOT make sugar cookies and NOT have a tree and NOT send Christmas cards. We don't have a tree, thank god, but last night I spent hours making Christmas cards and it sucked and it's not even half done and now I need more stamps and oh my god cutting vellum is horrible. I'm going to try to finish that tonight. In my imaginary "I love Christmas world" I pictured myself basking in a holiday glow while cherrily and lovingly assembling Christmas cards, thinking happy thoughts about those I was sending them to, while humming "white christmas" under my breath and drinking a steaming mug of hot cocoa. In reality I drank half of a light Rolling Rock, swore at the cat and my friends who insist on moving every five days and don't give me their new addresses, and cursed vellum to high heaven, and since we only have basic cable I was forced to watch this super super creepy episode of Seventh Heaven where one of the kids is in mad trouble for having sex, like, BEFORE MARRIAGE. He was clearly doomed to hell and it was super traumatic and awful. His parents are such cretans! I guess they are really just characters on a tv show, so the writers are cretans. I hope never again to hear the expression "more than the average relationship with Christ" in this lifetime. Then I watched the Home Shopping Network for hours just so there wasn't dead silence, and I must say, I think Suzanne Somers might not be all there. But I bet she's super rich, due to her selling boodles of butt ugly jewelry and some weird fake sugar product. Freaky.
Mr. E is going to get back from his conference and find a little ball of hysterical stress where his wife once was. The thing is, I do this to myself. As if I needed to MAKE Christmas cards! Why could I not just BUY Christmas cards, like the rest of the world? I must love stress. That's the only thing I can conclude.
At the very least, I hope I look back on this week and congratulate myself on how much I accomplished on my to do list. I don't think anyone else is going to even realize it, much less give me any kind of kudos. FYI, I hate the word Kudos, because it reminds me of the gross candy bar/granola bar. Which is it, anyway? Decide, you Kudos freaks.
Meanwhile, I thought I would post my to do list, so I can get a mental handle on it.

So here it is...Ms. E's crazy crazy over achieving neurotic to do list:
-Finish Xmas cards and take and post pics
-buy more stamps
-mail out Ebay crap
-buy boxes and ribbon at Walgreens since the boxes I bought there yesterday are awful!
-mail presents
-get addresses
- work
-clean bathroom
-give myself a pedicure during Gilmore Girls
-deposit money order
-take pics, write descriptions, and post crap on Ebay
-start my ebay store? Or post purses on buy it now.
-Finish sil's purse. (might help if I started it).
-Balance checkbook
-take pic next to red hot dogs (eeeew!)
-frost work cupcakes
-make pins

And that's it, until I think of more! Jesus.

Monday, December 13, 2004

I'm having some trouble designing my Christmas cards this year. I thought maybe I'd just email everyone this picture with the message 'Hope you're living the High Life". I am a classy lady.  Posted by Hello

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

101 in 1001 - or a list of things I couldn't get done till I lived to be 101 and made one hundred and one billion dollars

101 in 1001
1. Get my hair colored by a really expensive really good salon.
2. Travel to Greece, Australia, Japan, Egypt, Israel, or India
3. Attend a home Portland Trailblazers game and sit ON THE FLOOR.
3. Grand Canyon – raft or canyoneer
4. Finish my novel and get it published
5. Get my drivers license.
6. Finish school.
7. Quit biting my nails
8. Own a Thomas Pink shirt and cufflinks.
9. Sell a purse on Ebay.
10. Lose another 20 pounds.
11. Take a class in something – painting, photography, pottery.
12. Spend a night in an expensive hotel room in a foreign city with Erik and never leave the room.
13. Go to Vegas.
14. Go to Mardi Gras.
15. Visit Portland and or move to the West Coast.
16. Lie in the sand on Hermosa beach and eat and Abba Zabba.
17. Visit the rollerskating museum in Lincoln, Nebraska.
18. Go to a rodeo.
19. Write a romance novel.
20. Email Morgan
21. See the Rucker Park tournament.
22. Buy pointy toed shoes and wear them.
23. Mount and frame prints of pics I’ve taken.
24. Wedding Photo Album.
25. Learn to silk screen.
26. Teach myself Photoshop.
27. Make a turducken
28. Dress like a grown up at least half the time
29. Sew myself a dress, with a zipper.
30. Go to estate sales
31. Make a rag rug
32. Kentucky Derby – no cheap seats for me!
33. Buy a flat iron
34. Get a treadmill and use it every day
35. Buy a decent mattress
36. Start a garden from seeds
37. Cross country ski Or snowshoe
38. Learn to wear a funky color eyeshadow (hi, Mac counter, please help me)
39. Recap a show for TWOP
40. Take Erik to the OPERA
41. Hang glide in the Maze
42. Post on my blog every day
43. Have SOMETHING published
44. Buy all new everyday dishes – good bye IKEA.
45. Get really good at subtly breaking v. v. sturdy IKEA dishes
46. Figure out that twangy song I hear all over town but don’t know the name of
47. Do something with my wedding dress
48. Buy a dress that’s not “me” (strapless, knee length, boring) and wear it out on the town
49. Wear winter white
50. Memorize poems
51. Drive down Highway 101 in a convertible playing “California” by Phantom Planet.
52. Drive Route 66
53. Take a road trip just to eat pie (see #53)
54. Annex Canexico
55. Make a frito pie on the radiator of my car (see #54)
56. Own a pick up truck (old), a Dodge Dart (old), and a Mercedes Station Wagon (old).
57. Get a hound dog. Name it Blue.
58. Live in a house with a wrap around porch, a balcony, AND a laundry chute.
59. Buy a super super super expensive bra.
60. Learn to do something to my car that the average person can’t do. Checking the oil doesn’t count, I know how to do that.
61. Learn how to lay bricks. Build something out of bricks.
62. Buy all the children’s books I remember from when I was a kid.
63. Visit Elvis’s birthplace
64. Throw a one food only party, for people who appreciate it.
65. Throw a grown up cocktail party with pitchers of martinis.
66. Volunteer
67. Learn to make better pie crust. Get Mrs. Pepper’s pie recipe.
68. Make a “craft” room.
69. Open my own store.
70. Figure out what color my parachute is.
71. Visit the desert.
72. Read the Lindbergh biography
73. Take a picture of that crazy church in Lincoln that looks like a bowling alley
74. Be more chill.
75. Plant a tree. On Arbor Day. In the state where Arbor Day was invented.
76. See the sandhill crane migration.
77. See an African Safari, although the other animals are just for show, so this number is really: See my spirit animal (the elephant) up close in the wild.
78. Have some kids, and name them something worthy of them. (see Frances, Charlotte, and James).
79. Walk over burning coals, just to see if it really doesn’t hurt.
80. Catch a delicious bass.
81. Have my wisdom teeth pulled.
82. Have some hair somewhere permanently lasered off.
83. Boob lift.
84. Buy the most expensive purse I can afford. At a store.
85. Go to the Smithsonian.
86. See an iceberg
87. See the pyramids
88. Protest something.
89. Wash my car, in front of my house, wearing cut offs.
90. Find a good sugar cookie recipe, and make it.
91. Make stickers
92. Start my own business
93. Program my cell phone
94. Buy a TIVO
95. Ice climb
96. Rock climb
97. Paint something HUGE – not like a house, like a large canvas.
98. Restore furniture.
99. Use my Palm Pilot
100. Read all the books on my Amazon wish list.
101. Do something for Mr. E that I don’t want to do.

Monday, November 22, 2004

My Thanksgiving Freak Out/To Do List

1. Clean
2. Do Laundry including comforter that was clean until
Mr. E spilled beer on
3. Make up guest beds
4. Buy fabric and make orange table runner because I clearly need another project right now
5. Buy and hollow out mini pumpkins for my obsessive MS centerpieces
6. Buy kosher salt for brine
7. Clean out and bleach container for brining turkey
8. Begin brining turkey at 10 am Wednesday morning
9. Go to grocery store for thanksgiving food, snack food, and any other
food like lunchmeat and cereal
10. Pick up rental equipment
11. Move old bookshelves onto sidewalk with "free" sign and hope to god someone takes them away. Free bookshelves anyone?
12. Stop at thrift store (not open till Tuesday) and find chair please god let us find a chair
13. Do dishes so we will have enough clean glasses for many many servings of gin
14. Buy trash cans, serving dish, and something elseI am forgetting at Target
15. Clean out "ebay room" so mom doesn't figure out we are trying to sell everything she ever gave me
16. Find flowers and berries
17. Buy shampoo, etc at Walgreens
18. Wrap Xmas presents cleverly w/out having any Xmas wrap so can send home with parents
19. Find mold for orange juice ring for punch
20. Create Large wall decor, no idea what
21. Move red desk to downstairs hallway
22. Pay cell phone bill (damn Nebraska cell phone taxes)
23. Freak the fuck out because my parents want to
get here at 5 pm.
24. Discourage parents from arriving at 5 pm

Monday, September 27, 2004

My Philosophy On Life (as explained by Axl Rose)

"I realize I make exactly the same scream whether a great white is attacking me or there's a piece of seaweed brushing my leg"

Why yes, I do have an intense and alarming fear of fish, thanks for asking. No, shockingly, I don't think it's super awesome when I'm swimming along in the ocean and I see a bunch of dolphins. And yes, I know they aren't really fish. And for the love of gawd, don't tell me once I get in there that I should shuffle my feet so I don't get bit by a sting ray. Thanks - The Management

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Movies I Don't Like but Watch Anyway

First of all, Garden State? Not that great. I felt like I wanted to like it, because I like Zach Braff or however you spell it, and Natalie Portman is super cute and all, and I'll be honest with you, I'm always a fan of two cute people getting it on in the movies. But the Portster super super super got on my nerves, and I felt like I was waiting for some plot development that never happened. I'd see if again, but only if I'd never seen it to begin with. As in, I'm glad I saw it, but I wouldn't rent it again.

Other random movies I have seen during the last month otherwise known as the hell dimension that is living in Lincoln Nebraska with no TV whatsoever because you cannot afford cable. Jesus, has it ever sucked. And so, my life has become movies and tennis. Both of which you can do for free, or actually for $22 a month from netflix.

Mississippi Masala - Overall, quite good. For some reason, the DVD sound was weird, and it made it hard to get into the movie. Worth it just to check out a young Denzel, and an Indian wedding. Mr. E and I have a goal to get ourselves invited to an Indian wedding. But since none of our friends will get married, ever, dammit, it might be a while.

The Parent Trap (remake) - Placed on the Netflix queue as a request from Mr. E, it remains one of our favorites movies, ever. Ordinarily, I hate remakes, but this one just might beat out the original. Marred only by the fact that ms. lindsey lohan has gotten kind of scary lately. Also, I realized while watching it that I had never see the non tv version before. Sadly, I kind of like the version with the cuts. It seemed like all the rest of it was kind of pointless extras.

The Bridges of Madison County, 1995 - not nearly as good as I had remembered it from the first time I saw it, which is too bad, because Mr. E poo pooed this choice A LOT, and I was all set for him to eat his words, but no, it was pretty bad. I cried through the first five minutes, and the last five minutes, but laughed the whole rest of the time, pretty much every time clint was on screen, I was in hysterics.

In America, 2002 - This movie was really really good, but suffered from that thing I get where i get too nervous that something bad will happen to the people in the movie and I can't really enjoy myself. That happened to me in Pieces of April too.

Once Upon a Time in Mexico, 2003 - I think I fell asleep in this, but Mr. E said it reminded him of how saucy Selma Hayek is.

Signs, 2002 - I wouldn't watch this, because I have a deep loathing of M. Knight Whatever
My Life Without Me, 2003 - I loved this, it was very melodramatic, right up my alley, and mark ruffalo was yummy.

Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, 1966 - We didn't make it for longer than five minutes into this, it was just too boring and weird.

The City of Lost Children, 1995 - I thought I would hate this, and I actually really liked it. It's become one of my favorite movies I've seen in a long time, for the costumes alone.

13 Going on 30, 2004 - one of the least bad romantic comedies I've seen lately, but Jennifer Garner's freakish muscles kind of scared me at times.

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, 2004 - Horrible, Terrible, No Good, Very Bad. Ick. And I think it's taken from a book I really liked, which makes it all the worse. Could only have been worse had it starred Hillary Duff.

Also, I would just like to say, that according to Netflix, based on my last few movie selections, they'd like to recommend to me:

Bratz: The Video: Starrin' & Stylin'

Uh, What the Hell? I might need to revise my taste in movies.

In Which I Resolve Not to Completely Waste the Next Year of My Life even I do live in Godforsaken Nebraska

So here's where I resolve to actually do something with the coming year. The year I am forced to languish in Nebraska waiting for Mr. E to get his Post Doc and write some more fabu papers on lakes so we can move somewhere less sucky. First I'd like to say that I've already been here a month, and even though the year long countdown didn't start until the first of September, I've already done a ton of shit. Unless you think about how I didn't have a job this whole time. Then it really kind of seems sad that this is all I've done. Anyway, since we moved to this vile wasteland, I have:

-made 200 programs for my sister in law's wedding
-lost another 8 pounds for a total of 20.
-made some kick ass chili lime pork salad
-talked to my best friend Sara for nine bazillion hours on the phone
-cultivated the best tan I've had since I was nine and lived in California for the summer
-developed a renewed appreciation for cocktail hour
-hauled my ass back to Michigan, slipped on a yellow bridesmaids dress, put a big smile on my face, and lived to tell the tale,
-gone on job interviews which I hate so much I want to puke
-remembered how to make a necklace out of old magazines
-played a crapload of tennis
-practised the wedding cake I'm making for Sara's wedding
-made myself a denim skirt out an old pair of too big American Eagle jeans
-and started this here blog.
-Oh, and guilted Mr. E into getting me Netflix after which I watched ninety billion romantic comedies starring Julia Stiles.
-And I've boozed it up quite a bit.

So, that's not too bad! Here's my resolutions for the next year, so far:
-continue to entertain myself without TV for as long as humanly possible, or until missing the OC breaks my resolve
-get a job
-teach myself Photoshop
-get a library card
-find the laundromat
-get the cat neutered
-and get my drivers license.
More on that later.
For now, let's just say that I would have a ton of pictures on here, but I can't figure out the stupid picture adder thingee. I might have to make an emergency phone call to my brother.