Wednesday, September 05, 2007

The Lupine Lady

“What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life?
The world would split open.”
-Muriel Rukeyser
I've have been in such a terrible mood lately. I have blamed it on PMS and exhaustion and my messy husband and baby jail and not being able to afford pedicures and a lack of Coffee Heath Bar ice cream availability in my life and I've blamed my thighs and my mother and my father and my in laws. And now I've run out of cliches to blame my irritation on.
Although I do really really wish my child would stop screaming his fool head off and go to freaking sleep already and I think it's safe to say that the screaming and lack of sleeping on his part and mine isn't exactly improving my mood. Not right at this minute anyway.
I feel like I am sinking under a sea of lies.
Because of all the emotional abuse heaped on me as a child I became a survivor at an early age. I will get along with you no matter what. I will lie my ass off and pretend to like you and laugh at your jokes and smile and nod my head and agree with you no matter what, all the while thinking the most terrible things about you. As long as you know me, I will always be one step ahead of you, gauging whether or not you like me, if I have offended you, if you don't like something I said, always calculating, checking, smoothing over, watching for an explosion, working to make sure one doesn't happen.
And so I never tell the truth about anything. I think the people who really know me can tell when I'm lying and they probably see through me better than I realize, but I never ever tell people what I really think of them if it's something negative.
Is that normal? Is that just being nice? Does everyone just go along with things they think are total bullshit, just for the sake of getting along?
Mr. E and I said that September should be the month of truth but I honestly don't think my life could handle it. I don't think my blog could handle it. I don't know if I could handle it.
Because the truth is ugly. (I had it all spelled out here and then I couldn't do it.)
I would much rather focus on the positive.


PastaQueen said...

I avoid confrontational situations if at all possible, so if I disagree with someone and it's not all that important I tend to just be quiet or say, "Oh." With my close friends though, I would feel okay telling them something negative about themselves if I thought our friendship could handle it. I think I'm slowly getting over the need for everyone to like me, though it's still a trait that persists.

bazu said...

I think to a certain extent, we all put on masks for social niceties, very few people could get away with always telling everyone exactly how they felt. I'm very hot-tempered, but as I've grown older, I realize that holding something in can be healing just as often as it can be damaging. So I don't think you're necessarily on a bad track, or doing harm.
But then again, I'm just a reader of your blog, not someone who knows you well at all, so what do I know?

Rev said...

Man, this is exactly what got me into analysis. *g* I was raised to be "nice" past the point of common sense, and I am SLOOOWLY learning how to ste up and talk about what I *really* feel, but it is not an easy journey.

Why not try just one truth today, rather than total truth? Just be entirely honest about one thing and see where that goes. The good news is that it's a sort of addictive feeling--like sweeping some of the dust off and seeing your own reflection for the first time.

crankybee said...

What's the worse that could happen if you were honest with yourself for starters? Maybe that's what you should start by considering. It's scary, it's hard, but it's worth it. I'm assumming you and your husband love each other (it sounds like you do, and he encouraged 'honesty September') so your marriage will be OK.

Do you want to be this unhappy for the rest of your life? I'm thinking not.

You ask "Does everyone just go along with things they think are total bullshit, just for the sake of getting along?" and I'm here to say no. I don't. And there may be things that are not great in my life but overall I am happy.

My name is Rima. said...

Dude. I don't know what to say, yet I'm compelled to leave a comment. Because I like you and I am one of those people who wants to make everyone feel better.

I hope you don't mind the assvice, but sometimes it really helps to say it or write it out (anywhere). I spilled some beans I was totally ashamed of on my blog not long ago, and it helped. Incredibly supportive comments from people like you helped, too!