Tuesday, December 13, 2005


(For those of you not in Weight Watchers, NSV stands for Non Scale Victory. It means you didn't lose weight, but something else good happened)

For awhile now, since I've had anywhere from the last 5-15 pounds to lose, the weight has come off SLOWWWWWWLY, to say the least. My last weight update I was at 128, I don't remember when that was, but I do know I was wearing shorts in my picture, and now I'm at 122, and it's snowing. So that gives you some idea. Six pounds lost isn't bad, obviously, but the more interesting thing to note is that my clothes size has gotten much much smaller, even when the scale hasn't gone down at all. Obviously due to having more muscle, less fat, running, etc.

So I'm in a weird place, right now. I'm not at my goal weight, but I've grown out of all my clothes, I can't afford to replace them, I can't find clothes small enough in some stores in the mall, and I still don't feel skinny.

I don't know if it's because the scale says 122 instead of 115, I don't know if it's because of my body dysmorphicness, or because I have unrealistic expectations, or because I sometimes think I'm "skinny fat person" with no muscle definition and my arms don't look like what I thought they should look like when I was "done", I don't know.

WhenI started this, I said all the time "I just want to be able to wear size 6 Gap jeans". Ok, that's done. I can do that. Those jeans are TOO BIG for me now, and I still don't feel happy. I justify it by saying that the jeans I am talking about were the jeans I wore in 1992 and there has been rampant size inflation since then, but the reality is that I'm about to have to start buying size 2's in some stores and I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the person who can't find pants SMALL enough.

What prompted all this thinking is that this weekend I finally bought new jeans. They are a size 4 Petite from American Eagle. I never thought I'd see the day. I never even dared to think of it. To be honest with you. I never ever did. Even though when I started this, it was partially because I couldn't find jeans big enough to fit me in a size 16 at Old Navy. In a lot of ways, a size 4 at American Eagle is a HUGE NSV for me. But in other ways, I still feel like a failure. I'm still not happy with how I look. And more importantly, I'm still not happy with how I see myself.

It's so screwed up that I could weigh 180 pounds and think I looked pretty good, and two years later weigh 122 and think I look like crap. I wish I knew how to fix it, but I don't.

But what I am going to say is that I really don't want to outgrow my size 4 jeans. I don't want to be too fat to wear them, and I don't want to be too small to wear them. So I am still going for 115, and if it makes my size four jeans a little looser, that's ok, but if it means I have to go look for size 2's, I need to stop where I am, and learn to wrap my brain around the number on the scale, and the size I am. And a little more resistance training wouldn't hurt. I do think I would feel better about myself if I were a larger number on the scale but had some more definition.

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