Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Shit and Unfair (Warning: Am ungrateful, whiny brat)

It is shit and unfair that I have to pay 14.95 a month out of my own pocket for Weight Watchers online when by losing 60 pounds I have saved my insurance company and the tax payers of American thousands upon thousands of dollars down the road.

It is shit and unfair that no matter how much weight I lose my boobs still require a $40 sports bra, when I simply haven’t got $40 to spend on a sports bra. I simply don’t have it people.

It is also shit and unfair that this running thing has required the purchase of a new watch and $80 shoes every six months and gloves and pants and various other crap because it’s freaking $20 degrees here people and I ran in old Michigan basketball shorts and an Old Navy t shirt as long as I could but they don’t cut when it’s so cold out that I can barely breathe.

It is shit and unfair that it will get so cold and snowy that I will have to do the majority of my first half marathon training inside, on a treadmill.

It is shit and unfair that when you lose weight, enough weight, eventually that too becomes stressful and awful because it’s winter and you just can’t afford to go spend $500 on pants at Banana Republic but meanwhile you own two pairs of pants that fit you and you work somewhere with a dress code.

It is shit and unfair that on a seven hour drive home for the holidays there won’t be one place to eat where the food isn’t vile McDonald’s poison and so you will spend seven hours eating warm old tasting cheese sandwiches cursing the genes that made you fat while your husband eats four cheeseburgers and an order of McNuggets and never gains a pound.

It is shit and unfair that I got handed a genetic makeup which causes me to lie on the couch in a stupor of pain and drugs once a month, when I should be running. I want to run, people! I got my period the first time when I was twelve, on Thanksgiving. So, by my calculations, I’ve experienced chronic debilitating pain at least once a month, for the past 17 years. 204 times. It’s always sucked, but now that it prevents me from running and throws me off my schedule, it really sucks.

And lastly, let me add, that it is shit and unfair that I live here, in Nebraska, where we have no money, and it’s freezing cold, and peppers cost $4 dollars a pound. One pepper can cost you two dollars, people. It’s fucking ridiculously expensive to eat healthy here. When people say that it’s hard to eat right in today’s society, believe them. It’s incredibly hard. It’s harder and shittier and more unfair on this end (the skinnier side) than it was on the fat end, because now I know the difference and I can’t go back.

Someday I would like to live in a world where I can run on a treadmill at work, where my insurance pays for weight watchers, where I can buy cheap produce on the corner, and where I can afford to buy my own damn $40 sports bras. And maybe that’s really the lesson I should be learning here. My goals are no longer to live in a world where I can eat all the cheeseburgers I want and not be fat. My goal is no longer to be tall and blonde and skinny. Those goals are NOT achievable. That body? I’ll never have. But maybe, maybe, someday, I won’t live in Nebraska, peppers won’t cost $4 a pound, and I’ll cross the finish of a half marathon, $40 sports bra and all.

1 comment:

Portuguese Washwoman said...

As a person who has worn her Enell bra down to threads and simply can't replace it, all I can say is: Comrade! I actually inventoried my fridge, freezer and cabinets this weekend and studied cookbooks and Google Recipe looking for eats that only require things like ancient canned pumpkin and assorted beans, because the Christmas season is upon us and I can't afford a shopping bill. Hell, I can't afford to shop period.

I raise my bag of lentils in salute.