Friday, November 04, 2005

Let me tell you a secret

This is really hard for me to admit, for some weird reason. I think because it makes me sound crazy and out of control, and because it pisses me off that I do it, and so I hate admitting it. It scares me that my brain is doing this crazy off kilter thing and it feels so...awful.

But here it is. I think about food ALL THE TIME. ALL THE TIME. All day long, hundreds upon hundreds upon millions of times a day. It never goes away. It never stops. It's scary, actually.

The voice in my head is a panicky loop of food I can't eat but can't stop thinking about.

dove chocolate, mini donuts, pumpkin spice lattes, cheese and crackers, movie popcorn, cinammon oatmeal, caramel apples, funnel cakes, oatmeal raisin cookies, pumpkin pie, brownies, bagels, ranch dressing, hamburgers, french fries, bacon, ribs, daiquiris, pumpkin seeds, ham, lemon cake, nachos, chocolate chips, granola bars.

It never ends. It's like the sound track to my life.

And it's really really really hard to think about food all the time and at the same time to never be able to eat any of it.

Sometimes it gets to you.

1 comment:

Portuguese Washwoman said...

Oh, I understand. I really, really do. Have you talked to anyone about this? I had a therapist who did a lot to help me notice my patterns and learn to try to subvert them. Good luck!