Thursday, January 11, 2007

Inspirational

Ya'all, I am going to tell you a bad secret. Get ready.

(I know everyone means well. I really really do.)

But the whole "oh my god you're pregnant how do you feel what do you look like send us a picture of your stomach" thing is starting to really really really get on my nerves. And also? I find it kind of creepy.

First of all? I know I'm pregnant, ok? But honestly? It's just not something I think about all that much. It's certainly not something I want to define me. I don't wish to be thought of as your "pregnant daughter in law" or "your pregnant friend." I am your daughter in law, I am your friend. Who happens to be pregnant. Who won't be pregnant soon, and who has a lot more on her mind than just babies and stomachs and stretch marks. Let's talk about Battlestar Galactica or something.

And also? It's kind of...personal. I don't know. I just don't really feel like being pregnant is this shared thing. I think it's kind of my deal with Mr. E and the baby and we're sort of doing our own little thing and I know it sounds selfish but I can't help it. It's an insular experience, it just is.

To be really honest I'm also kind of terrified. I cope with this terror by thinking about other things. And that's my coping strategy and if it involves NOT taking pictures of my stomach every two weeks...well, it's my stomach, you know? How about you take a picture of your stomach and send it to me? Not so much? Ok then.

It is inevitable that this little bug takes over our lives. I know that. But right now I am holding onto my own life as much as I can, and that means that if I choose to be ME first and foremost, and pregnant as an afterthought, that's my own choice, my own right, and whether you agree with it or not doesn't really matter. I know that there is a whole other pregnancy out there, one where you only eat organic and you're an earth mother and you don't buy ANYTHING for the baby and you run forty miles the day you deliver and a mother wolf licks the baby off when it enters the world and you grill your placenta and all that, but I'm not having that pregnancy, and it's not because I haven't heard about it and I need you to tell me about it. It's because I'm just not that into being pregnant. I would rather eat M and M's than organic sprouts. I don't want to take pictures of myself naked in the moonlight. I don't want you to kiss my stomach. I like to shop. I'm a little crabby. I'd like a wolf free birth.

Last night we had childbirth class and the nurse teaching us told us that back in the day they just gassed women right when they came in and then when you woke up the next day they handed you a baby. Is it wrong that I thought that sounded pretty damn good?

I know this sounds like nothing more than a long bitchy rant, but really it is just a very long introduction to something more. Because I still think it's creepy when people ask for pictures of my stomach, don't get me wrong. I'd still rather talk about Battlestar Galactica or Britney Spears than birthing class. But admitting that I am terrified about this whole deal has helped me to realize that the most important thing here is that I AM NOT ALONE.

And I didn't really think much about that until the nurse at the doctor's office told us that Mr. E was "inspirational" for coming to EVERY APPOINTMENT and then he went with me to boob class and was the only guy there and then he looked up the Blade Runner soundtrack on Itunes because it's the music he's always found most relaxing and then I realized, that yes, I am going to do this hard thing, this thing only I can do. I am going to give birth and be in labor and be a mom, but through the whole thing I'm going to have Mr. E right there by my side, and there's never been anything, ANYTHING, that I haven't been able to do when he's been there to help me. And when I get scared and when I get lost and when I am in pain and when I am sad I can tell him, and he'll know what to do, or we'll figure it out together. I really believe that, and that's how I know that everything is going to be ok.

Being pregnant hasn't changed who I am, even though sometimes everyone acts like it should. I never wanted to eat organic peanut butter. I NEVER wanted to send you pictures of my stomach! Why would I now? I mean, yes, I'm pregnant, but I am also the girl laughing at the childbirth video from 1972, who is horrified and making faces at all the pregnant PDA going on in the room. I'll always be that girl. But lucky for me, Mr. E is laughing too, right there along side me.

3 comments:

Felonee said...

Good for you! It is your pregnancy and your body, and you have a right for it to be as private or public as you want it to be!

I was terrified at the thought of childbirth, but my doctor told me on my very first appointment that I was going to have to have a c-section (we have babies that do not turn in my family), and that he wasn't even going to go through the pretense of making me try it the "normal way". Bless his heart, I kept him because of that :)

PastasQueen said...

So, do you think Starbuck is a Cylon?

crankybee said...

My SIL is having twins. And she is sooooo sick of people rabbiting on about it, and telling her "WOA! You don't know what you're in for!" (No shit - really? Do you have twins? No? Then you don't know what I'm in for either) I feel exactly the same as you - when I'm pregnant I refuse to become public property, and will tell people upfront to keep their opinions and horror stories to themselves. When people ask me now "When are you having children?" I reply "That's too personal a question for you to be asking" Just because I'm 32 and engaged, doesn't give people the right to comment! LOrd! Now you're started me off on a rant! LOL!