Wednesday, April 05, 2006

No Man's Land

Here is a secret for you. Right now I’m not counting points. I’m just eating what feels healthy and trying to eat only when I’m hungry. I’m not eating extensive amounts of crap, but I’m not subsisting on carrot sticks either. I’m sure I could eat healthier, and I definitely drank my money’s worth while I was in New York, but hey, it was my best friends bachelor party and that martini was totally worth it. I puked it all up the next morning anyway. (Not on purpose, btw, just due to the hangover from hell.)

It’s totally possible that I’ve gained weight in the last week, especially since we were on vacation and eating out a lot, but I don’t know if I have, since I haven’t weighed myself since before we left.

And for the first time in a long time, I feel free.

I’m still thinking about all of this. About how free and light I feel, and how much better I feel about my body right now. Last night I looked at myself in the mirror and for the first time in a long time I liked what I saw. I ate a healthy smallish dinner and had a cupcake and I wasn’t tempted to graze on crap all night long. I actually feel so much better about food and my body and my mental state in general right now that it’s a little bit confusing.

I’m torn. I might decide that this was just a brief vacation from counting points and that I’m going to weigh myself this Friday and start back trying to force myself to 115 pounds by counting every carrot stick, but I also might decide that I wanna go on feeling free and eating what feels right and learning how to trust myself. I don’t know yet. I only know that I feel better than I have in a long time, but I’m still scared of gaining weight. The truth is, sometimes I’d rather be thin than happy.

That’s pretty fucked up.

But I suspect there IS a middle ground - something between obsessive counting and total freedom, and even though I have never been good at that type of balance, I think I owe to myself to look for it. At the same time though, I don’t know if I’m ready to do that work. Total freedom feels really good and really safe. It’s not a lot of work and also? I know that if I fuck it up and gain weight and want to bail out of trying to be healthy and happy and eating normally and having a normal relationship with food and my body, obsessive counting 115 craving Elizabeth is right there waiting to take over.

The middle ground is no man’s land. I don’t know how to do that. So it scares me.

1 comment:

LME said...

It's a good thing, that middle ground. I've always had trouble with it, because I tend to overdo portions. But all that counting and stuff with WW. I dunno. I think it makes you focus too much on food.

Hope you can make it work for you, because I really think it's ultimately the best way.