Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Love Yourself Today

I have a terrible memory - in certain ways. I can remember faces from years ago, even faces I've only seen once. But if you ask me how long I've worked somewhere, or how long I've been married, or how old I am, my mind comes up blank. So holidays are really useful for me to use as milestones, to remember certain things by. I guess it's a way to look back.

I remember a Valentine's Day my first year in college. It was early morning, a gorgeous morning, only possible in February in California. I was up early for some reason and I was standing out on the balcony of my dorm, looking down on campus, and I saw a boy walk by. A boy who had liked me a lot, and who I had not liked, at all, and whom I had rebuffed, several times. And he was carrying a huge armload of flowers. For someone else. I didn't even want to be that someone else, his someone else. But in that moment, I knew that there was no one out there carrying a huge armload of flowers for me, and something dropped out of me, right out of my heart, in that second.

Two years ago I had just started Weight Watchers the week before Valentine's Day, and naive little me was expecting big results. I had a closet full of fancy lovely clothes I hadn't been able to fit into in ages, but I'd been doing Weight Watchers for A FULL WEEK. And working really hard at it. So surely something ought to fit. But no. Nothing fit. I threw on the same pair of crappy elastic waisted black Old Navy pants I'd been wearing for a year, and bitched my way out of the house. I still remember Mr. E asking me what was wrong, and after I told him, him telling me in the sweetest voice that he thought I looked really nice. Although to be honest it wasn't WHAT he what he said that stuck with me. It was how he said it. So lovingly and so surprised, almost, that I would think so many bad things about myself, that I couldn't see myself the way he saw me. It gave me hope.

And here we are, two years later. I've lost almost 60 pounds since then. I'm 4-5 pounds from my goal weight (115 pounds). I'm going to go stuff myself with sushi and be happy that I don't have to do dishes tonight, and then I'm going to run three miles and think back on that girl who was disgusted with herself two years ago and I'm going to tell myself "Self, today is valentine's day. Try to love yourself, today, just a little. You deserve it."

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