Thursday, June 28, 2007

Solo

I find myself in a seriously bad mood of late, and I can't shake it.

I've got a four month old WILL NOT take naps, no matter what I do.

I've a two and half year old dog who still acts like a eight month old puppy and who is always, endlessly, on the verge of losing her shit and who the neighbors actually bring people by to see because every time someone walks by she jumps up and down, up and down, endless times in a row, each time with her head clearing a six foot fence.

I've got a husband who is gone for days and nights at a time at work and this dynamic is really the worst possible scenario for dealing with the two aforementioned beasts. Just when I get used to him being gone he returns. Just when I finally get the floors clean, there's a pair of muddy boots thrown on my living room floor and just when I get all the dishes done there's pizza left out overnight and then he turns around and takes off again and by the way doesn't sweep the floor and doesn't throw out the pizza and also steals the fucking contact solution! What the hell.

I need a break. And when Mr. E gets home I think "Thank god, finally someone to help me." But he's exhausted from working and when he finally does get home he thinks "Thank god, I finally get a break." Then when neither one of us does get a break it just pisses us each of us off, I think.

And I know he tries. I know he does. I know when he said my house was clean before I got home from Michigan that he thought it was clean, but that does not change the fact that no, it wasn't clean, not in my opinion, and so I spent this whole week and weekend trying to catch up and clean and just get half an hour to sweep the floor and feeling like I can't even get time for that in the middle of being thrown up on and feeding the dog and changing the sheets and taking out the trash and sending baby presents and answering email and picking up all the shit that Mr. E just drifts through the house scattering like a fairy, dusting the world with petals and/or his crap.

And now I just can't shake this feeling...it's like I'm always about to cry in the back of my head or right behind my eyes, but I'm so mad and crabby that I can't even cry because that would actually release something in me and there's a part of me that can't stand to let go even that much. You know that feeling?

I am feeling again like i can't catch my breath, like I am never caught up, like I never get a break.

And now I just discovered that Mr. E took the contact solution with him and hi, what the fuck? Get your own goddamned contact solution.

Thank god it's 5:12.

Happy hour indeed.

4 comments:

Chris H said...

OOO BUGGER! You sound like a typical tired, stressed, overworked, pissed off mum of a young baby! And this is your life, sorry to say it but that's just how it goes.... hang in there, it will get better ... talk to his nibs about how you are feeling, cos he can't help if he doesn't know there is a problem... Men are dense that way! I hope you can get some relief before you end up exploding in his face and he has no idea why! Hope you have a relaxing (yeah right!) weekend.

PastaQueen said...

Man, people always say parenting is a tough job but this entry makes me realize it really is a *tough* job. Good luck managing it all! Maybe it helps a little having the blog to express some of your tension? If I lived anywhere near you I'd offer to help out, but the best I can offer is a lame internet hug. *hugs*

Rah said...

Princess, dear, those right-behind-the-eyes tears are a message from your soul. If you are the solo parent/dogkeeper/housekeeper much of the time without any chance to hand off to another person,you need what they call respite care. If you cannot afford to have someone come in, perhaps you can make an arrangement with another mom in the same situation. {When mine were young I had an arrangement with mom of a same-age babe for one morning a week. One of us would keep the other's child, and sometimes I would just go home and sleep the whole 4 hours, but it made the world look brighter and kept me from imploding.]Some churches have a Parents Morning Out for a very minimal fee one morning a week, and you don't have to be a member to participate. But definitely find some help; you deserve better than this!

TB said...

You know I could have written this. You're never alone in any of these feelings.
Why is it I feel like I even HAVE to clean the house while Jeff is gone? I mean really, like I have nothing better to do. But I do it, mostly because I think it makes me feel more in control to have a clean house.
And the not napping? What is UP with these kids? If I could get a solid hour or two throughout the day to breathe, sit down, veg out, things would be so much better.
But on the other hand, I do feel like it gets a little better every week. I don't know if I'm just getting used to it, or if it really is getting better, either way, I feel better about things and I hope that's happening for you too.