Friday, June 29, 2007

I Don't Know What to Say

Thank you for your words of support.
It will get infinitely better once Mr. E is finished with his big work project and stops going out of town for work.
I guess I was just wondering whether there is a way to change a leopards' spots, so to speak. Is there a way to nicely say "look how clean this house is. You can't know how much it cost me. You have no idea how hard I worked. You can't imagine what it took. So please please please please don't leave your dishes in the sink!." Because I try and it feels like nice doesn't really work and I am starting to feel dish smashingly pissed off about it, I won't lie.
There is always the possibility that I should just chill the fuck out, loosen up, relax, etc. But I have been asked to do that all my life by many many many people, and it hasn't happened yet.
Mostly I just don't want to be crabby, but I don't really know how to uncrab. I don't know people here I can ask to stay with Eli. I don't have friends here. We have lived here for a year and we really don't know anyone, the people we meet...are not like us. Let's just put it that way.
That is one of the reasons we are really hoping to get out of here, but it all takes time. In the meantime I know I should not take it so personally that Mr. E does not notice things like muddy floors, although those are things that send me up the wall.And so I do take it personally. So really my question is...
Can make someone stop being so damned messy and scatterbrained? That is what I need. I can deal with a crying baby who never naps and a dog who never calms down and taking care of both 24-7 while my husband works, but I just need to do it in a clean house and I need my husband to understand that and to work harder than he has ever worked before at not leaving his flip flops lying around every damn day because otherwise dude, I think I will lose my shit.
Lately I have been thinking about how when my mother left me at my father's and moved across the country, about how terrible that was, and how I just...took it. How I never said "I hate this. I don't want you to leave me here. I don't want to get back on that plane and go back to dad's." I never said any of those things. I cried at night and made sure no one heard me. I hid everything. One time my mother said to me "I should have kept you here. I shouldn't have sent you back" and I still wonder. Was it my fault too? Should I have said something? Should I have refused to go back?
So for the rest of my life I think I'll struggle with that. I...go along. I conform. Still, I might be crying in the dark where no one can hear me, but I am, as always, a survivor. I manage and struggle through and in the end things do get better.
But when do you say "enough"? "I can't do this. This is too hard. I'm not getting back on that plane?" That's really hard for me to do. And this whole situation is reminding me of that and I don't know how to say: I need more help. I need more sympathy. I need more understanding. I need you to work so much harder at helping me keep the house clean and I need you to keep the dog away from me and I need you to bring me flowers and I need you listen to me when I am crazy and I need a break and I need to relax and I need to let go and I don't know how."
ANd meanwhile. I must say.
I totally also don't appreciate Mr. E at all, because I am so overwhelmed I can't really get my head above water to appreciate him, if that makes sense. I can't see past the flip flops on the floor. I am forgetting how he rocked the baby to sleep for hours the other night when he WOULD NOT SLEEP, and how he wakes up early and takes him for walks, and how he feeds the dog and pets the cat and loves us all. And also how he is not here because he is working his ass off for his family.
It sucks for him too.
But this is just really hard.

1 comment:

Trixie said...

I don't have any words of wisdom. I wish I did. It DOES suck. Try to be calm. Try to be good to yourself. And if you can...try to look past the flip flops because they aren't worth it. And maybe I am a total asshole, but maybe it's not the flip flops anyway? Who am I? No one. So I don't claim to know it all. But if it's so hard to clean and an endless battle. Maybe it's not so worth it to have every little thing in place. Or. Maybe I am a dumbass. Could be.

Just try to be good to yourself.