Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Mocha Rewards

I'm having a really hard time focusing right now. I have ten pounds left to go. Part of me thinks maybe trying to lose weight while training for a half marathon is just too hard. Part of me is scared shitless that I'll never be happy at any weight. Part of me is scared shitless that I'm still fat and I just don't know it. And another part of just wants to be done with this and is terrified that I'll be doing this stupid diet forever and also part of my is very very tired of being hungry and thinking about food all the time. And the final part of me worries that my boring boring job is making me fat because I just sit here all the time and think about how much I want a mocha with whipped cream from Starbucks. Mostly I know that I could be trying harder. I've been cheating a lot and bullshitting myself about it and I haven't been counting points AT ALL.

I started ww two years ago on Valentine's Day. Always good to start things on holidays, then you are more likely to remember them. I'd really like to be done, or damn near done, on February 14th of this year. Depending on the scale, and on any given day, that's about eight pounds in five weeks. Which is totally doable, I think, if I can just get on a roll.

So my new goal is to not cheat, to not have any treats, to not have any extras I don't count, and to count EVERYTHING, ALL DAY LONG. If I do this for one week, from today until next Tuesday, I can have my tall nonfat mocha with whipped cream.

The problem is I really want my mocha right now.

Am bitter.

However, so far it's working. I have tracked every point today and I didn't cheat by not tracking my stupid clementine like I usually do. What can I say, I am going to be a star at maintenance. However I just have to make sure I don't think maintenance is easier than THIS because THIS IS MAINTENANCE. Clementines for a treat. How depressing is that?


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