I have long held a deep seated fear of becoming ordinary.
Back in the day before we got married sometimes Mr. E and I would talk about why the idea of marriage and living out our days in Michigan and living an ordinary life just like his brothers and sisters and every else in his family freaked me out so much and all I could say was "don't you sometimes see us just lining up to be exactly like your aunts and uncles a generation later? Do you really want to be just like they were, only a generation removed? And doesn't that give you the creeps?"
And one of the reasons I didn't want to have a baby for a long time was that it seemed like something that such ordinary boring people would do. It seemed like something that EVERYONE did. It seemed to lack imagination and I really didn't want to be like everyone else, popping out kids and blogging about their poops and taking them to see "The Little Mermaid 4: The Awakening".
And for some reason I was also hesitant to mention here that that last week I emailed my father and a very tentative and slight olive branch has been extended. And I think it was because it just felt like a cop out to me. Like, everyone hates their parents but most poeple try to get along with them anyway and I was the one who had drawn the line in the sand and NEVER talked to my father, unlike EVERYONE else.
But somehow along the way ordinary snuck up on me - maybe it's just a part of getting older or maybe I just don't have time to care anymore. Now I find myself WISHING and HOPING that we turn out JUST LIKE Mr. E's big group of aunts and uncles, who seriously exemplify raising a village together and who love each other like crazy and who have been through it all together and have become this amazing tight knit group of people where for example the divorced aunts are still just as much as part of the family as anyone else, if not more so.
And the thing with my father has actually turned out kind of nice, I have to admit. He has been, I don't know, friendly. It feels sort of...good not to be all consumed with hating his guts and drawing lines in the sand and not speaking and announcing how long it's been since such and such where my father was concerned.
And as for having a baby. I am sure it is such an ordinary experience, it is one that everyone who has children goes through, I know. But to me it feels unique, like the most singular experience of my life. The other day we fed Eli "solid food" for the first time and he gummed around some oatmeal flakes and breastmilk and rubbed it all over everything and Mr. E took pictures like the loser first time lamer parents that we totally are, and people, it was amazing. And it felt as though we had discovered the moon or climbed the Eiffel Tower or performed some other outrageously wondrous and amazing feat.
Feeding the baby. Who knew it would be so special.
4 comments:
Awww man, you are just too bloody cute for words, really!!!! Just wait till the baby gets teeth, has his first hair cut, walks for the first time, talks for the first time, waves and points, blah blah blah.... can't wait to hear all about it and see all about it.... just so cute really. It is amazing how one's life and expectations change when we introduce our first born into the equation eh??? It's neat! It's been 28 years since I had my firstborn, but I can still remember those special feelings, and they keep happening with each successive baby too! We still get a real kick out of silly wee things Brylee and Griffin do and they are now 5 and 6 years old.
I wrestle with those ideas too, not wanting to be ordinary, not wanting to go along with what it seems like culture has programmed us to do. But as you said, ordinary can creep up on you, and hey, be a pleasant experience. I think as I get older I realize that true happiness and peace are so difficult to achieve, and so much more important. As someone who's been following your story, I am glad that things seem to be going in a positive direction with your dad. More positive = more peace = more happiness.
As a kid I remember thinking the life goals of going to college, getting a job, buying a house and having kids seemed rather dull too. But when I met people who didn't have stable families and didn't finish high school and didn't have all these things I took for granted, I realized how precious they really can be.
I hope you get what you want out of the situation with your dad. I know how difficult that can be.
Yesterday, Myles reached out for a toy for the first time. You would have thought he was doing street magic or something for as excited as Jeff and I got.
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