Today was not a good day.
Eli is going through some horrible phase or growth spurt or something and all he does is eat and cry. Eat and cry, all day long.
It was ninety six degrees today.
I thought I hated breastfeeding before.
Breastfeeding in seventy degree heat was nothing compared to breastfeeding in ninety six degree heat.
Today was the kind of day where I hauled a screaming three month old around the house on my hip and tried to pick up all the shit my husband just leaves casually all over the house with one hand so that the house wouldn't be a total disaster when his brother showed up and after awhile it really started to piss me off that all this shit was all over the house and I had a vision of myself taking a hammer and just hauling off and breaking all his crap he leaves all over everywhere into a million pieces and the thought of that didn't even make me feel better, it just made me madder.
I pulled a load of laundry out of the dryer and found it covered in red ink splotches from a red pen someone had left in their pants.
My child was still screaming and I had to just leave him in his crib and walk away. I didn't know what else to do. I just couldn't take it anymore.
I started to feel guilty because Mr. E is so stressed out at work right now and he still had to pick up the dog from the kennel and his brother from the airport and groceries from Trader Joe's and then I felt angry again because it's not my stupid dog. I wasn't the one who wanted the stupid dog. Then I pictured Mr. E with his second wife as they gazed lovingly at each other across the top of seven golden retrievers and Mr. E said "my first wife hated dogs".
Eli was still screaming in his crib and I pulled the stained laundry out of the dryer and then I had to walk away and I called my mom and she didn't answer her phone so I sat there listening to her voice mail as tears streamed down my face and I thought "everyone says it gets better, but can six months or one year really be THAT much better? How much better is better, actually?"
And then I went and got Eli and he ate again and then fell asleep on me since that's the only way he can sleep, ever, and I thought how much better I would feel if I could eat all the granola bars in the kitchen or all the Junior Mints in the freezer or all the skittles in the world, and somehow there's no worse feeling in the world than being fat, feeling fat, looking down at your fat arm, and wanting to eat crap, and knowing you can't, because you're fat, fat, fat. It's just very stressful and awful to feel fat and to want to eat and to have to tell yourself you can't because you are fat.
Today was just one of those days.
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2 comments:
Oh Elizabeth, I'm so sorry. I hope today is better for you and I totally understand. If you ever need to vent, please send me a note.
This comment is a couple days late, but I just read your post and I had to tell you that I know what you're feeling and it really will pass. I have a 5 yr old and a 3 yr old and there are still days that you feel overwhelmed, too fat, etc., etc. and I've had to sit in my closet and cry sometimes, but it really will pass (it comes and goes) and then you get the joy from your kids as they get older. Feeling so alone and overwhelmed and wanting to eat the feelings away is so normal and I wish I could give you advice about how to make it better, but I can't. I can tell you that it really does get better. I know you don't want to buy clothes for the size you are now - and I felt the same way - but when I finally did buy a few things that fit and made me feel good about myself - it just helped with all the other emotions too. Because if you don't feel like you look good or "presentable" then you want to hide in the house (or at least I did) and getting out of the house if you can - can help your mood immensely. It can get lonely and stressful being at home with only the baby. HANG IN THERE! You can do this!
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