Learning to Fly

I have been avoiding my sad little blog, but I promise it's not because I've gained weight.
In fact I am at the lowest weight I've been since I started all this. I don't really know what to say because it's not through any hurculean efforts on my part, it's just because I feel sick all the time. My running has been pathetic. I know everyone is complaining that their part of the country is hot as hell, but I might win, I really might. It was averaging 115 degrees here for almost two weeks, people. It was 117 one day last week. Most of the time I can take it as long as it's say, around 100, but 117 degrees is not a temperature anyone shold be running in, and combine that with the general feeling of puke and that's really enough to do in anyone's half marathon training.

So, no, I haven't deserted my blog because I got fat.
In the immortal words of Romy and Michelle, "I'm not fat, I'm pregnant, you half wit."

I haven't said anything before now because I was hoping to tell someone in person who I think reads this blog but she won't call me back :)

And it was probably starting to be really obvious what with all the whining about feeling pukey and I didn't know what to say since I AM sick as a dog and it is totally because of morning sickness and Mr. E and I are going to have a baby and so I'm not really supposed to be losing weight, I'm actually supposed to be gaining it. So understandably the weight loss blog became sort of hard to update.

I am probably banned from perfect mom hood forever but I will say it is really hard to get used to my stomach getting fatter after two plus years of weight loss, after two plus years of staring down at my tummy and sucking it in on the scale now I'm supposed to just let go of all that and not care that my stomach is getting fatter. I've started making weird bargains where I say "Ok, my stomach can get fatter but can my legs and arms stay skinny and can the rest of me not get all puffy please?" I'd like to be one of those all over skinny pregnant ladies with just a big tummy, but I sincerely doubt that's going to happen.

Supposedly it's very normal to freak out right about now about getting fat, as your stomach gets larger every day - and you don't look pregnant, you just look bloated or like you're starting to gain weight and get a little fat. However, I am also well and truly fed up with the crappy body image all these women in my life, that I love, seem to have, with the fact that they all seem to hate their bodies so much they feel as they aren't even worthy of basic things like love and affection. And at the risk of sounding preachy if this is a girl in my getting fat stomach I want her to love herself so much more than any of us do right now, I want her to feel beautiful and confident every moment of her life, and so for her, for all of our someday future daughters, I'm determined to let go, determined to stop hating my body, to love it, even as it gets fatter, even as things expand beyond my control.